-sigh- THAT would be a hijack so huge, I’d be locked up for it. Another day, another thread. 
Carry on !
Hmm. Interesting. I’m exactly the opposite - somehow, in my youthful tomboyish activities, I managed to either tear or stretch my hymen prematurely. When I first finally had penetrative sex (with a jerk who didn’t deserve it; thus, I consider my virginity to have been lost with the very nice gentleman I first had oral sex with), I kept expecting (a) that it would hurt, and (b) for there to be some blood. Neither happened. At the time, I wondered if the guy in question had a smaller-than-average dick; I later discovered that he was in fact average girth and somewhat longer than average.
Cartooniverse, if I may ask, have you and your lady tried using a sexual lubricant? It probably won’t fix the problem entirely, but it might make things more bearable. Most drugstores seem to carry them these days, right next to the condoms.
Let’s just say I have a deep and healthy relationship with the Astroglide line of products.
Okay, back to tiny penises !!! 
I have to wonder what lead to this zombie…
You’re competing with men one third your size. And losing.
No need to embarrass this zombie about his shortcomings. Closed.