Ok dopers, I need some honest input here. If you don’t like sex talk, please stop reading.
I’ve been seeing a great girl for about a week. She’s a small woman, about 5’1" tall. Last night we had sex for the second time. It was really good, passionate and exciting (at least for me). After the deed was done. We were toweling off, cuddling, and doing those typical post-sex things when she said something that really upset me …I think. Out of the blue she said, “You know, I’m really glad that you don’t have a huge dick. A huge dick can be painful during intercourse.”
Now, I’m a reasonable man. I don’t live in a dream world. I know I’m not well-hung; I never tried to convince myself that I was. But, I didn’t ask, “Hey, what do you think of my dick?” She just said it.
So my question to my fellow dopers (especially female dopers) is, why would a woman say this? Is it an oh-so subtle way of telling me I’m not big enough for her? Is she mocking me? Should I take what she said at face value? I only ask because, in my experience, a woman rarely says what she really means. Or am I just an idiot for letting this bother me?
Wow. I’m a guy, and I have to say, this is WAY out of line, IMO. It’s sort of the equivalent of, “Gee, I’m sure glad you’ve got small breasts, 'cause I don’t like 'em big.” Would I ever say this to a woman? Hell no. This could be an innocent mistake by her, but for me it’d raise a red flag. I’d talk to her about it, just to see where she was coming from, and let her know you didn’t appreciate it.
IANAFemale, but I wouldn’t get bummed by this. By definition, most of us guys are average - no problem there (I was going to say ‘no biggie’ but decided it wasn’t quite appropriate ).
Do you have any idea how it was for her? No presumptions here, but it’s at least possible that she enjoyed it - after all, this was the second time, right? Seems to me if you both enjoyed it, you’re looking for problems where there probably aren’t any. In any event, why don’t you ask her? I suspect a lot of women don’t understand some men’s fixation with size.
You’re dealing with a specific women, and a specific issue, and then generalise about most/all of the women in your experience. Dangerous game, buddy. In my experience women are different.
Bottom line? Talk to her. Get to know her a bit better so that you can judge whether the remarks were your worst nightmare, or post-coital bonding in which she is pleased that Mr Happy didn’t cause her pain.
I am also a small woman of 5’1. Although I have never had sex, I have thought about it plenty. I know that I would not want a guy with a huge dick. It would be extremely painful. IMO, I think she meant it as a compliment, but phrased it very poorly. She should have said something like, “You’re just the right size for me.” Would you be offended by that?
From a womans point of view, I would hazard this guess:
She is a small woman (5’1"). I’ll bet her last boyfriend was hung like Mr. Ed and she never could enjoy intercourse because of it. She is probably genuinely happy to have found a boyfriend with a “compatible” penis and couldn’t think of a tactful way to show her joy (what would be a tactful way to express that?)
I would say that she was satisfied with the encounter and glad she didn’t have to suffer through someones too large for her penis pounding away at her insides. She may also have a tipped uterus, which can be REALLY painful when having intercourse with a “large” man. Don’t take it as an insult- more is not always (or usually) prefered, despite what pornos and magazines say. I would not be insulted if someone said “I’m glad you don’t have huge boobs because they really get in the way during sex” because I don’t think smaller boobs are a bad thing. Similarly, she probably does not think that a not huge penis is a bad thing, therefore she’s glad you don’t have one.
short female responding (don’t know that height has anything to do with it, but…) take it at face value - she said she was glad, I see no reason to suspect that she wasn’t being totally truthful. I suspect that she’s just not aware of how that would sound to a guy. (preview added - ditto Zette remarks about a tipped uterus. Forgot that aspect, trust me, not only size but certain positions can be very painful under those circumstances).
Actually Zette, she did say something about having an ‘inverted’ uterus or something. I didn’t really know anything about that condition, and I didn’t want to post that, because I couldn’t remember exactly and didn’t want to look stupid.
I think my fear of this could stem from a particularly evil bitch I used to sleep with. She was my first and was significantly older. She used to talk about how “big” her ex-boyfriend was and how good it felt. It didn’t do much for my self-esteem, let me tell you.
After her, I was with a girl closer to my age. She ALSO remarked that her last bf was really big and it hurt her and she was glad that I wasn’t so big. I just assumed she felt sorry for me and was trying to boost my ego.
But this new girl… I really like. So I don’t want to have a false understanding of what’s really going on.
I agree that she meant it as a compliment (“you fit me perfectly”) but worded it rather poorly. Speaking as a smaller gal (in all… er… dimensions) there is such a thing as too much. Much as you might have been lead to believe the opposite!! I think a lot of girls have trouble understanding the whole penis size thing and thus are not as sensitive as they might be. A parallel to this would be a man who said something complimentary about a woman being hippy/curvy/not a stick figure. They might mean it quite sincerely but (some) women find it hard to take this at face value since media, etc. portrays men as desiring only skin-n-bones type women. (she might think: “Does he think I’m fat? Was that a backhanded insult??”) The whole “women want a huge dick thing” is just as overblown.
Anyway, good sex starts with openness, you might want to discuss this with her.
Take it at face value. The way I read it, she blurted out an honest thought at a time when she was feeling relaxed, happy, and comfortable. It wasn’t the most tactful thing in the world, but I honestly don’t think she meant it to be hurtful. Moreover, my guess is that she will be mentally replaying that sentence over and over, grimacing every time. Lord knows I’ve said a few things that I’d take back, even though I said them without malice, and often intending for the opposite effect than what they had.
From a girly perspective, I had a boyfriend who was very large, and sex, though I craved it as much as him, was painful every time. The combo of birth control pills, which reduce natural lube, and his size made literally tore me up. There were times where I’d sit in the bathroom afterward and be borderline crying from the pain. The man I married is smaller, and the first time I had sex with him I remember the rush of joy and relief I felt when he entered and it felt good. I didn’t even realize until that point that I’d developed a habit with my ex-boyfriend of tensing up and mentally preparing for pain.
Anyway, it sounds like you are with a genuinely good person who blurted out something out. No hidden agendas, so try not to put too much thought into it.
Yet another small Doper with a too well-hung ex and a perfectly proportioned current. I tend to agree with the others who advised you to take your girlfriend’s comment at face value. Of course, only you (and her) know the tone in which she made her observation, which would give a lot of insight into what she actually meant.
For instance this …
<looking down disdainfully at your penis> “I’m glad you don’t have a …* huge* penis like my ex.” <unsatisfied sigh>
… is quiet different to this …
<smiling at you after wonderful, hot, passionate sex> “I’m so glad that you don’t have a huge penis like my ex.” <painful grimace that changes to a content smile when she sees your face>
Really big dicks do hurt. I prefer an average sized one, myself. And, if you were freakishly small, I very much doubt your girlfriend would have mentioned it at all. So, I’m going to guess that:
You’re projecting your feelings about your skanky and horrible first girlfriend onto this new one. Let it go, guy. Her problems were obviously many, and none of them had anything to do with the size of your dick.
Your new girl was paying you a (rather ineptly worded) compliment. Take it at face value. I’m also betting that she knew she worded it ineptly. Right now, on some other message board, she’s probably moaning, “Man! You won’t believe the stupid thing I said to my new guy last night! I’m such an idiot! And I really like him, too!”
Your best bet at the time would have been to laugh it off and tease her a little about the goofy way she put it. As in, “Geez, Honey. Thanks a LOT!” Then she would probably have giggled a bit and elaborated: “No, no! I didn’t mean it the way it sounded! My last boyfriend was freakishly large. It always hurt too much for me to enjoy it. You fit me just right. I can’t believe how much better it is with you.” Then, you’d have a little private joke to share.
Ahhh…I may have hit the uterus right on the head! (Ladies, cringe now!)
More info: http://www.dyspareunia.org/html/tipped_uterus.htm
“Most women with a tipped uterus do not experience any problems. However, some women experience pain during sexual intercourse. This happens when the penis hits the cervix or uterus during sex. This condition is known as collision dyspareunia.”
In other words, OUCH! HOLY SMOKES! THAT REALLY HURTS!
Problem is, you don’t know when it will occur- sometimes all is going great, then whammo! Instant agony.
As a free tip, I’ll tell ya this: If you’re even average sized, be VERY careful having intercourse from behind. For some reason, that can really hit the wrong places for women with a tipped uterus.
Another petite female checking in here.
I agree with Chum’s response, and I’m only two inches taller than she is. Granted, your lady might have phrased it better, but I really don’t think she meant it in a hurtful way. I think she was expressing relief that she wasn’t in pain.
BTW, although there are both large and small instruments for pelvic exams, not every examiner seems to realize that with some of us petite gals cannot, ahem, accommodate the large ones without a great deal of distress. It’s simple physics.
(Well, things were already graphic, so I figured the above paragraph was okay.)
By the way, height and vaginal size really don’t have anything to do with each other. A petite little woman may or may not have a petite little hoo-hah - and a tall girl may very well have a petite little hoo-hah as well.
And please, aoty, don’t let one prior rotten relationship color all future relationships. Women aren’t all like that - just as men are all [sub](thank god!)[/sub]different.
Hehehehe… I’m sorry but using “hoo-hah” as a euphemism for vagina never fails to make me giggle uncontrolably… hehehe…
ahem
I basically agree with everyone else. The most important is whether she is enjoying sex with you. Unless she has given a lot of signs that she is unhappy or disintrested, you should take her statement at face value.
Take it at face----she is glad, your penis is good, she liked it and was cuddling with you contentedly. We are a sum of our experiences, so it’s difficult not to let our past color our present. BUT don’t. It seems she likes your penis and what you do with it.
My guess?
She was happy, satiated and comfortable enough that she blurted out a simple truth. You gave her pleasure instead of pain.
There are a few genuinely warped people of both genders who delight in shattering egos. But MOST humans are vulnerable, bumbling, while wishing to be close.
But vulnerabilities vary, y’know?
Amazing the baggage people can tote while naked.
Could be you were worrying about equipment size while she was worrying about frigidity because it had hurt.
If nothing else, there are plenty more (ahem!) tedious problems to address through talking, experimentation, etc.
Almost Dutch Uncle*,
Veb
With apologies to Coldy, who’s actually Dutch. And male.
This reminds me of when a buddy of mine told his new girlfriend how much he liked her fat ass. (This guy has never been known for tact) He MEANT he liked the nice, feminine shape of her well-rounded posterior and it really turned him on. That’s not what she heard, of course. The good news is that they got it all sorted out and have been happily married for a number of years.
I think your girlfriend was just relaxed and uninhibited and blurted out what was on her mind without running through the Tact-Ful-Meter first.
You’re not an idiot for letting the woman’s comment bother you, just normal. Men do obsess about penis size, at least from a woman’s viewpoint. The truth is, though, that beyond a certain size a penis really can be too big and it really can be painful during sex. Meanwhile, the guys who sport baseball bats between their legs can’t seem to understand that not all women think more is better and they just can’t slam away into a small girl and expect her to enjoy.
I’m assuming you’re a guy of average dimensions, which means should be able to please just about any woman. Didn’t you say she was the second woman to comment on the comfortable size of your penis? Maybe you’re a good lover who is able to give pleasure to women who have been subjected to inept lovemaking by men who think penis size is all and forget about the other fun stuff you can do during sex.
If it really bothers you ask her what exactly she meant by this, but I suspect it was a really awkward, backward compliment
Three women have said you have a smaller penis than X. Well, ok. It just might be true. You just might have a small penis.
Get over it.
There is nothing you can do about it anyway. So deal.
Accept the fact that you are never going to be able to stun a woman solely based on penis size. You, my man, are actually going to have to rely on something else than a large penis to prove yourself in bed. You have a choice: focus on your strengths, or focus on your weaknesses. Which do you choose? The “I’ll slam her hoo-ha like a jackhammer hoping it will impress her with my manliness (even though I have a small dick).” or the “I’ll use a combination of penis, hands and tongue on her whole body, creating a total sensation that’ll blow her away (which is probably what she would rather have anyway).”
LINLAP (life is not like a porno) OK? Really. It isn’t. You have a small penis. It’s OK. Really, it is. And if you think having a small penis destroys a relationship, just wait til you see the results of insecurity and ego at play in the bedroom. Why did you focus on the penis size part of the sentence and not the pain part? Didn’t what she essentially say mean “If you had a bigger penis, it would have hurt me?” What do you want to give her? Pleasure or pain?
Take it for what it was, and don’t mention it again. I bet the last thing she wants to do in a new relationship is deal with a man who is insecure with his penis. It turns a night of good sex into a problem that needn’t exist. “Oh great, I had a good time, told him so, and now I have to deal with this? Lovely.”
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