Passive-aggressive In-laws

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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91.1 
Well, it’s the holiday season. Up until 1998, it was not a stressful time for me, mainly because my family never celebrated Christmas. Anyhow, here’s to some fun.

Drew and I just got married on November 3rd, by the way. So, I now refer to his parents as my In-laws.

Year One (1998): My first Christmas with his folks. They had asked him what I like/want. He said “Anything except clothes.” They bought me clothes. I smiled, thanked them, we had a nice time. They had fresh flowers, which I was allergic to, and those had to be removed. His aunt was sick, and I tended to her a bit…bringing her tea and honey, since the rest of his family seemed content to leave her suffering in a corner chair. I went home, donated them to goodwill. S’okay. I don’t need for material goods, and they must have gotten confused.

Year Two (1999): This time, we stay in their home (last year was a hotel). They told us what they wanted. Once again, Drew told them they could get me anything except clothing. We get there…flowers again. Out they go. Huzzah. Christmas morning…they got me clothing. WOOL clothing, which they may or may not have remembered I was allergic to. (This, by the way, is why I don’t want people buying me clothes. Between my ‘hard-to-fit stocky petiteness’ and my allergies to various fabrics, it’s very difficult). I make a mental note to visit the goodwill when we get home. I do just that.

Intermission: January 2000. I come down with what I think is the flu, but over the course of the year winds up being Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Within 8 months, I’m practically decimated. Can’t move, can’t tie my shoes, Drew has to feed me. I gained quite a bit of weight from the inactivity. His parents have never quite understood sickness.

Year Three (2000): I am too sick to go anywhere. I stay home while Drew goes to his family. Once again, they send me allergenic clothes. I’m too sick to go to the good will. I have the wool sweaters in a box in the closet. They never used or acknowledged the gift we sent. Drew asked if they’d gotten it. They said yes, it was a nice book and they had put it on the bookshelf. (We got them and Entertainment Book…the one with coupons for eating out, doing things, seeing shows). I sigh, and just don’t bother with it.

Year Four coming (2001): This year, I am well enough to travel, and we’re going down to them, again. They ask Drew what I would like. He tells them a few books. They tell him they want to get me clothes. Now, I’m stressing, but I guess I can do the goodwill thing again. I just wish they’d stop purposely getting me specifically what they’re asked not to. Well, it’ll be a nice chance to try out my acting skills, I suppose. The grand part is his mom wants perfume. If I get it, she’ll spray it on, and then I’ll get sick (allergic to fragrances). I’ll probably just get her whatever I feel like, and tell them that my allergies to fragrances prevent me from going into perfume stores or counters.
The other fun thing is they told Drew to have me bring workout clothes because they’re going to take us to the gym to work out. Mind you, this is no good for me. My latest blood test came back, showing I have no Natural Killer cells in my blood. When I’m around other people, I get sick. I have no immune system defenses because of CFS, plus I am supposed to rest, reduce stress and exercise lightly by walking a short distance (this, I have done.) I’m trying not to pre-worry about them guilting me into a gym. I was actually planning slow beach walks, if the pain is not too bad. (They live on a barrier island.)
So. How do I handle this? I could:

  1. Do unto them as they do unto me. (Not a very nice thing, but human)
  2. Grin and bear it. Self-medicate, if need be.

Talking with them has not helped.

I will have to go through this for every single year that I remain married to Drew. Yay. Hopefully, my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome won’t stay this bad forever.

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First, I must give you a gentle hug, Ellis.
{{{{{{Ellis}}}}}}

Now, I have a feeling that my mother-in-law knows or perhaps taught your in-laws this masterful manipulation known as passive-aggressive. I decided long ago that she is such a master at it, she must have written the book. I won’t regale you with my tales of horror, not wishing to scare you. However, I must add that you seem to be getting off fairly lightly so far. I know, bear with me, dear. I have been married to the same wonderful man for going on 23 yrs now. It is doable. Not always easy, but doable. At least you don’t live half a mile away from said mom-in-law. :eek:

Actually, I am leaning just a bit towards a combination of both 1. and 2. Hopefully Drew will be willing to help you out with what would be least appreciated by them, and get that for their gift. It may only take once to get your message across to them, it may take several years. Some free advice which has occasionally worked for me <not always, unfortunately, but better than 60-70% of the time, not bad odds considering>. Have dear hubby Drew inform them that you’d love nothing better than to be given clothes this year, and that you’re really looking forward to going to the gym with them. <It’s called reverse psychology by some of my family members.> Then, when you get there, inform them that due to doctor’s restraints <I mean, who can argue with your doctor?> you will most regretfully be unable to join them at said gym, but that you will gladly stay at the house and fix a meal or have cool drinks ready or whatever seems to fit what you can do and the time of their expected return. You will in all likelihood find they have bought you anything but more clothing, since that is of course the one thing you requested, and if not, as you say, there’s always Good Will. I hope this helps you, and tomorrow I may be able to offer some more advice. Or, feel free to email me. Take care, and I truly hope that your CFS is on the mend permanently.

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Hoo-boy, do I know where you’re coming from, both of you. Perhaps your MIL’s learned their craft at the feet of mine ?

I live five minutes away from the Evil Mother-in-law.[sup]TM[/sup]

I won’t start, because I could fill an entire thread just about her. There are two things that have to be achieved, to make life around this person liveable.

  1. Get your SO on board. Don’t ever use him as a pawn, but make sure he knows exactly where you are coming from, and is firmly in your court. Never push him to this, though, as this is unfair.

  2. Cultivate unconcern. Until you truly don’t care anymore, pretend that none of her barbs, rudeness or insults have actually been noticed by you. She is after a reaction, and by being nice (sometimes sickly-sweet nice is called for) you are disarming her.

Other good hints include counting to ten quietly and breathing deeply. (but don’t be obvious, or she will know she got to you) If a decision needs to be made about something, make a point of saying that the TWO of you haven’t discussed it yet, otherwise the decision will be made her way ten times out of ten.

Bitter, much ? hehehe.

I have to ask… was the wedding planning as much fun as I’m imagining ? :stuck_out_tongue:

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Oh, it was.

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=94152

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You know what? If you get clothes again from them, which means they have bought you something specifically requested NOT to be a gift, which even makes you ill, then I think you have a moral obligation to actually tell them face to face your problem with this.

For example: “Thank you for these clothes. It’s a kind gift, however I think there’s been a miscommunication here. I am VERY unwilling to accept clothes as a gift, partly because they never fit me properly, but more importantly because I am allergic to wool products. So thank you, and I am sorry for the confusion, but please no more clothes in the future.”

If you and Drew have a kid, which grows up with your allergies, or even life-threatening peanut-type allergies, what would you do if year-after-year they continued to give it nut-based sweets/candy for Christmas and Birthdays?

You would tell them (politely or otherwise) to please the hell STOP!!!

6

Well, my MIL isn’t anywhere near as bad as yours, but she, too, is a master of passive-aggressiveness.

The only thing that has worked is to tell her, straight out, and in no uncertain terms, what you need.

An example: My MIL would always bug me about my weight. Every time she’d see me, she’d “compliment” me on my “weight loss.” Yeah right. I never lost any weight–it was just an excuse for her to say something about it. She would always make sure to tell me what foods were low-fat, etc.

So, this wasn’t life-threatening, but it sure was annoying.

Finally, one day, I looked her straight in the eye and said “My weight is none of your business. Please do not ever mention it again.” And she hasn’t.

Good luck, and hang in there.

p.s. Zette’s idea of saying “doctor’s orders” is a good one.

7

How about asking for the receipts for the clothes, saying that, since you’re unable to use them, you might exchange them for something you can use. And just say no to exercise, foods, whatever. If they aren’t good for you, don’t even be polite about it. A simple, “I’m sorry, but I can’t do/eat that” should be sufficient. I don’t have food allergies, but you know what? One of the best things about being an adult is deciding for yourself what you want to wear or eat. I’m polite about it, but I certainly don’t let anyone pressure me.

StG

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St. Germain: I hate to say it, but if you don’t have any allergies or intolerances, then it might be very very hard for you to understand what Ellis is going through. She can stand up for herself, but if her in-laws are committed to undermining her, they will find a way to succeed.

People, especially people like her in-laws, have a tendency to think that you’re making things up, or that “a little bit won’t hurt.” They sometimes even knowingly give the allergic person the problem substance and then claim ignorance. “Oh, I didn’t know that peanut oil is the same as peanuts.”

An example from my own life: I have a bad reaction to the cleaner called Simple Green. Insta-migraine. I was renting a room from a woman who used it as a cleaner. I asked her to use something else for the duration and explained my problem. She agreed. A couple of days later, I walked into the kitchen and was immediately assaulted by the smell of Simple Green, and the accompanying headache. I asked her if she had used it. She said yes, but figured that if I wasn’t around while she was actually spraying the stuff that I wouldn’t get a reaction. Well, guess again. Anyway, she stopped using it altogether while I was staying there. She wasn’t trying to be mean or anything–she just didn’t understand.

9

First, you have my sympathies and my understanding. My blood pressure jumps by 30 points from the week before Thanksgiving till December 26th. Why you ask, my mother.

My parents are and have been doing their best (worst) to undermine my wife. The worst part of it was for the first six years of our marriage I wouldn’t acknowledge it. Now that I understand the problem and have tried to address it, it may be too late.

I would guess that Christmas is not the only time when things like you described happen. If so then your problem is bigger than the holidays. The most important thing you need to do in my mind is to get your SO to see the problem for what it is, quickly. Then you must present a united front and be totally honest. Tell them what you feel and why. Resist being bated into presenting a grocery list of grievances. (That’s the great part of being passive aggressive it’s hard to pinpoint and sounds odd when you confront someone) Just offer the most relevant examples, like you did here.

It will be tough. There is never a good time to do this. During holidays you think, “I don’t want to start a fight and ruin the holidays”. During the rest of the year when things are smooth (possibly due to limited contact) you think, “I don’t want to rock the boat and bring this up out of the blue”.

Remember your SO has to open his mouth, they’re his parents. If he doesn’t or doesn’t do it forcefully, they will blame you.

The alterative is say nothing and “self medicate”. My wife has a friend who says, “Around my in laws I keep my glass full and my mouth shut.” Of course the more times you fill your glass the harder it becomes to keep your mouth shut.

10

God, is this thread therapeutic or what! Wow.

I thought only my husband’s family could be this passive-aggressive and weird. They don’t believe in allergies, either! My reaction to their cats (yes, every one of 'em has at least 1. Usually 2. And carpeting, which really holds in the cat-particles.) must be all in my head! Esp. the asthma attacks I have after I leave their houses. It’s enough to make me want to hold out until I have an attack there and get carted off in an amulance, just to see their faces. (ok, I’m not really going to do that. Tempting, though.)

As several people have already mentioned, I could go on and on! But I won’t. Christ, we should start a support group, though. If only for the holiday season.

And again, the husband’s job (unfortunately) is to “handle” them. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

11

Wow, I never realized how many people were in the same boat.

Anyhow, my husband was not only aware of their proclivities, but had pre-warned me. We have tried the direct route, explaining it in clear English. It doesn’t work.

I thought and I thought and thought. Then, one word came to my mind:

eBay

Hence, I found what they want, very cheap, on eBay. Anything they give to me this year will be auctioned off on eBay, since we could use the money. (I can’t work because of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). The clothing happens to be quite nice, and someone, somewhere, will love it.

My hubby has promised me that he will not let them nag me about how “if only I would exercise/work/<do whatever>, I’d feel better.” (This doesn’t work for CFIDS, and actually, before I got sick, I used to run 3-4 times a week).

Anyhow, thank you all. Just knowing I’m not alone makes a big difference. If something funny happens, I’ll let you know how it went. :wink:

12

Why on earth are you traveling during the holidays???

Even if your in-laws were the sweetest people on earth you’d still have to fight your way through airports or sit in a closed car for hours.

For heaven’s sake you’re sick! Two years ago Mrs. Kunilou made the obligatory holiday trip home even though she was feeling really bad. When she got home, she went to the doctor and found out she had pneumonia. Last year she was equally stressed and run down, and I put my foot down and said no traveling. She missed her parents, but she thanked me.

Send your husband off to spend the holidays with his family and stay home and enjoy a few days of peace and quiet. And if his parents get on your case, keep repeating “I don’t feel well enough to travel, or enjoy your company this year. Thanks for caring.”

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Goo, absobloominlutely. Those are necessary survival skills. I, too, live a mere 5 minutes away by car. And, no, it most definitely was not my idea to live that close. Hubby is fully aware, finally, of all her shenanigans, but is too reluctant to actually say anything to her about it.

Istara, that is easier said than done with people like this, I’m sorry to say. It often only works if you get in their face and get ugly about it. It’s easier, unless there is a real health danger there, to just shut up and donate to goodwill or whatever.

I’m very glad to hear that that has worked for you, Green Bean. That doesn’t work with my MIL, unfortunately. And while I’m not Zette, thank you. :wink: I’ve had to use that a time or two, and it’s one of the few things that’s actually worked with mine.

Jimson Jim, thank you. I’ve been married for almost 23 yrs, and hubby remained for the most part clueless until the last 5 yrs or so. Mostly due to her remarkable aptitude for being so-sweet-butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-her-mouth whenever anyone else was around, to some major backstabbing if we were alone. But she’s been slipping up, and I just sit back and am giving her enough rope to hang herself with our kids too, and her only son. She’s a wonderful, loving, generous person with almost everyone but her DIL (me) and her SIL (her oldest dau’s hubby). But, hubby won’t say anything, and I get blamed for everything anyway.

Hello, brickieee, yes, it sure is turning into that. I can certainly understand the temptation to do that. As for your last sentence: AMEN!

You’re quite welcome, Ellis. I hope some of this helps. And I think the eBay idea is a great one. Do let us know how it goes, and give your hubby a big hug and kiss for seeing his parent’s games.

14

Oops. I didn’t see your post, kunilou. Excellent point. Stay home, Ellis!