Screening is a process that goes on throughout the dating process. When I first started dating Mrs. Slug, certain things come up in conversation. I wasn’t handling it like an interview process. But certain things come up. You try and find out if she was religious. I wasn’t and that could have been a deal breaker. Down the road, we talked about other things and found out that she didn’t want children. That was another point for her. She wanted to know what I did for a living. What’s my place like?
But I wasn’t handing out questionnaires and running credit checks on dates. I don’t think I would have Mrs. Slug today if I had. If a woman has a problem of falling completely head over heels for men (or vice versa) who are bad for them on a semi regular basis, I might recommend a little self-evaluation there.
Yes, because I do it all the time, on every one I meet. I’ve never actually done one on anyone. But after reading the thread and having had the life experiences I’ve had, I’ve come to the conclusion that, as I said, “I don’t think it’s a bad idea”. How you translated that into “constant background checks” says something about your level of insecurity imho. Sorry about that.
I’m sorry, but I disagree. The time to check out whether or not someone is reasonably responsible, is LONG before you get to the “let’s move in together” phase. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache with a couple of relationships had I done some good pre-screening. Back in my day there weren’t so many options for researching someone’s background though, and no internet so all I had to go on was dating. If I had it to do over again, and especially with the options available now, I’d definitely consider it.
Good grief, you’re very angry about this. This is just IMHO you know? At any rate, did you see where I said that a credit check was some sort of fail safe guaranteeing a perfect relationship? I didn’t. I merely said I thought that this wasn’t a bad idea, and posted a few reasons why.
And…nowhere in my thread did I say that what I think is a “Not bad idea” should then be applied across the board for every other person dating out there. Relax, no one is trying to get your bone.
Bah, I was going to type up a longer response, but it’s just not worth it. Many other people already said my reasons for why credit and background checks for a first date is a bad idea, so I’m not going to repeat them. Treating a first date like a job interview and as someone not to be trusted until proven otherwise is not a good way to treat other people.
I would continue on with this, but I’m going to need to see some kind of ID.
Really, we’re just talking about matters of degree here. People who do online dating are screening before they go out on a date. I met my husband of seven years online - sure, I screened him, and he screened me - we knew we were compatible in most of the major points before we even met. If I had a legal credit check available on him before we met - I probably would have taken a peek at that, too. Why ignore important information?
I think an important factor in determining whether or not I’d want to date you is whether you are digging into my personal information without having the balls to ask me. But I don’t get to make that call because you won’t tell me you’re doing it. So you’re putting me at a distinct disadvantage through dishonesty before we’ve even had a first date.
That’s understandable. I think what I was trying to say,( only badly :)), is that in a way that is what people would be trying to do if they had the chance to know a little something about the other person’s financial habits.
For example, my son’s father. Had I known what a sketchy employment history he had much sooner in the relationship (he’d been working at his company for over three years, so on the surface, he looked pretty solid work-wise) there are a lot of decisions I would have made differently.
Not necessarily ones that would have resulted in us not dating, but certainly ones that would have kept me on guard against his tendency to opt out of work at any opportunity. But I was denied critical, need to know information. I think people who are for (or somewhat for) this option (if it ever becomes available) feel the same way you do when you say “you’re putting me at a distinct disadvantage…”.
In my example of online dating, why would I ask you? I don’t even know you. I’m just considering your profile as a potential for someone who is compatible enough for me to get to know, just like I considered whether or not someone smokes, drinks, or wants kids. These are all personal things, too.
Yes, and how do you find out those personal things? Hire a PI or ask the potential date?
I have an idea. For those who say it’s only right that they get to know these things before a date, so long as you tell the person you’re going on the date with, “By the way, I will be running a full background check on you including financials” then I don’t have any problem with it. After all, by not telling them you are denying them critical, need-to-know information and the ability to see if you are compatible enough for them to get to know.
So, put it on the dating profile and let the potential date decide if it’s something they want to be subjected to.
Ahem. I, uhm, have a friend who does this. No, “friend” is not code-speak for “me.” My friend is kind of stalkerish, and while I don’t think she’s checked anyone’s credit report yet, I’m sure she would if she could. She kind of, um, utilizes some of the resources she has at work to find out information about boys she’s dating. She doesn’t even tell them she’s doing this, she just does then kind of uses the information in her evaluation process. Once I guess she slipped (?) and mentioned that she had the same name of his ex wife. Of course, he was taken aback because he never told her that he had an ex wife. His divorce proceedings, among other information, is just stuff she happened upon during her little background investigation. Not surprisingly, he was turned off by that and doesn’t speak to her anymore.
This is actually a loose transcript of a conversation we had:
*Her: When I told him that I looked him up, he didn’t seem to like that.
Me: Umm…
Her: I dunno, I just want to make sure people aren’t crazy.
Me: If you can’t tell if people are crazy without looking into their background information…
Her: My last boyfriend was just such a nut, and hid so much from me.
Me: You really have to find a way to trust people without…
Her: I tried to explain to him that my last boyfriend was a psycho who cheated on me, and was married when we met, and–
Me: --You told him all that? This was your second time talking to him, right?
Her: I just wanted to explain why I did it. He doesn’t answer when I call anymore. You think I should call him?
Me: I thought he didn’t answer your calls.
Her: He doesn’t. Maybe I should leave a message and explain.
Me: Don’t.
Her: I don’t want him to think I’m crazy.
Me: (To the bartender) Can you make my next round a double? *
Wait…what? You’re making a determination about whether or not you’re willing to go out on a first date with someone, and in addition to knowing whether they smoke or drink or want kids, you believe that knowing they have a clean (enough) credit report is an important factor? For whether you will consider meeting the person, or even contacting them a first time?
Would you be afraid to ask your potential date if he had kids if for some reason that info wasn’t on his profile? Would it be appropriate for me to sit half a block away from your house and observe your comings and goings for a week to get an idea about your habits? It might be important to me to not get involved with someone who keeps late hours, so this would be a way for me to find out. I mean, sure, I could just ask you, and choose whether or not to believe your response. But checking up on you surreptitiously is the only way to be sure…
Well, it’s something I would like to know. I feel like I’m missing something in this conversation - of course I would like to know if a potential mate has a bad credit rating. Doesn’t everyone want to know that?
There are things you ask, and things you find out before dating starts. I would put credit rating in the latter category, ideally. Like I said before though, I wouldn’t be doing that illegally or anything; I would look at it if it was available to me (for example, if it was supplied with a dating profile or something).
This discussion is mostly moot anyway, isn’t it? You can’t actually look up someone’s credit rating without them knowing, can you?
Well, it’s really a smart aleck reference to a BAD bad scifi movie. But my main point was that a person you are dating can tell you anything, spin their lives and experiences anyway they want. Not necessarily doing it on purpose either. In the normaly dating realm, let’s take me and my ex for example.
A reasonable scenario which played out was that we did the whole “what do you do” thing, etc. As we dated, I learned where he worked and how long he’d been there. He learned my “stats” as well. What neither of us did was keep grilling each other about how long that job lasted, what was the one before it, did they leave on good terms etc.
I realize that all of that is more of a job history than any kind of credit history, but I think that a person’s credit history can parallel what’s going on regarding how ambitious and hard working they are, or aren’t and provide information that way.
Sorry, I never give a short answer, at least hardly ever Lastly “who denied me information”? Well Both myself, because come on, you just don’t Grill your boyfriend or girlfriend about these things, and by him, since he didn’t voluntarily provide information he knew would be critical to a potential partner making their own dating decisions. I hope that makes sense.
But if you do a secret investigation of him, you are not voluntarily providing information you knew would be critical to a potential partner making their own dating decisions.
In order to avoid being deceived, you deceive. (That is, by secretly running a background check. If it isn’t secret, it isn’t deceptive.)
