If that person is making such information available with their dating profile, then the person knows other people are going to look at it. The point that others in this thread are making is that they would pay various services to look up background information on potential dates without that person being aware that they’re being investigated. Technically, there shouldn’t be a way to do a credit check without the inquiry being noted on the person’s credit record, but inquiries into criminal background, or home ownership and other information that is available through public records searches can be done without the other person being aware of it. The fact that it can be done legally doesn’t make it any less creepy. Which is why I gave the example of sitting on your street and watching your comings and goings. Anyone parked on your street can find that out just by being observant. But it’s still creepy.
My sisters both live in a small town where its pretty much impossible to hide things. So you know everyone’s past, know if you want to get involved with someone. I suppose when they get new people in town, those people could TRY to hide information, but even then it would be hard. Its a fascinating place to visit.
I’m a big fan of pre-nups because I see them as a chance to lay out your current financial state - not because they split up the goodies in case of a divorce. I’ve seen too many people “not mention” their $100k worth of student loan debt for their Russian Literature undergrad degree and their $40k worth of credit card debt, now tied up in a collection of Coach handbags. And I think that conversation probably should happen long before you get to the pre-nup. Not sure I’d be hiring Price Waterhouse for an audit until the sixth or seventh date, though. Certainly not the first date.
Well, now this makes so much sense, there’s no reason for me to post now.
But I would add maybe a 1.5) you don’t feel that I’m trustworthy enough to tell the truth if you were to ask me, in which case, why are you going out with someone you have reason to believe is a liar?
You know, I’m not sure its “the truth” as much as its
- Sometimes people “forget” things…(“Student loan debt! I thought you were asking about credit cards!”)
- Or they underestimate things or feel disclosures aren’t material (“It was only a few cards with a few hundred dollars each on them.”)
- Or they genuinely feel they’ve turned over a new leaf (“But I haven’t been a lazy slacker sponging off my parents in months!”)
And sometimes, even if I trust you to tell the truth, I’ve been proven to have misplaced my trust. If you aren’t lying, you have nothing to loose. This doesn’t speak ill of you, it speaks to my own ability to trust my own judgment.
And this makes it okay to invade another person’s privacy because… :dubious:
But you’d still ask before doing something like this, right? And if the person refused to let you do such digging or was offended by it, then you have no need to go any further with the relationship. Right?
Except my trust in the person.
And what the hell would I want with someone so ‘unsure of their own judgment’ that they’re not sure they wanna date me until they clear it with Experian? :dubious:
Maybe with good credit [del]she luv you long time, Sail-a![/del] she’d feel safe enough to invest in a meaningful relationship.
Maybe nothing…what would I want with you if you aren’t going to allow me to question my own judgment and assure me when I’m uncertain?
That and the “If you’re not lying, you have nothing to loose” logic is the same messy thinking that follows the idea that: “If you’re an innocent person you have nothing to hide! So it shouldn’t bother you if the police are allowed to search your home on a whim without a warrant and watch you 24/7 with cameras, right?”
As someone stated above, “dating” is the screening process by which you evaluate potential long-time partners. By the time my partner and I started talking about finances I had already met her friends, family, co-workers, and the people around her all seemed to be upstanding individuals, not a shady one in the lot, and her integrity was not in question. I have seen how she moves in the world, how she makes choices. I’ve observed her diplomacy, I’ve seen how she reacts to various temptations (chocolate is a weakness, to be sure), and I’ve been able to gauge first-hand whether she is responsible in general and get an idea of how she spends (carefully or not).
If I had such poor faith in my own ability to assess my would-be partner’s trustworthiness, I believe I’d refrain from dating until I had enough confidence in myself that I didn’t need Equifax to validate my opinion. If I was the one subjected to a credit check, the dating relationship wold end forthwith. It would be an unspeakably rude invasion of privacy. And in case anyone is wondering, I have nothing to hide.
Next up: DNA testing potential partner’s to find out if they may develop an expensive long-term illness! Gattica, here we come!
Reassuring yourself when you’re uncertain is fine, as long as it doesn’t violate generally respected norms of privacy and confidentiality. You are allowed to question your own judgment. Everybody does and they need to find ways to reassure themselves. But not everybody takes the step of violating a person’s trust and confidentiality. I don’t read my date’s mail, I wouldn’t read my date’s diary, I wouldn’t do a credit check, I wouldn’t snoop through medical records, and I wouldn’t follow them. That would be beyond the pale and crossing a line into unacceptable (and IMHO disturbing) behaviour.
If I am going to marry you, and be subject to community property laws, I’m not sure that I’m violating respected norms of privacy and confidentiality.
I’m not talking about dating here. I’m talking about sitting down and doing a serious financial review at whatever point things get serious.
I don’t think anyone in the thread is worried about doing a serious financial review at whatever point things get serious. We’re talking about going behind someone’s back and looking up the credit rating of a date.
And my point is that at that point, it’s probably too late - you’re hooked. Your pheromones are calling to each other, saying, “Hellooooooo! Let’s be together forever!”
I feel like I should clarify at this point that I have only been talking about legal type snooping; I wouldn’t do illegal searches on anyone, for any reason. I wouldn’t even know how to go about that. Maybe I’ve been missing the point of this whole discussion.
I think what others – including me – are trying to say in response to that is that just because a method of investigation you might choose is legal doesn’t mean it isn’t inappropriate and creepy. I’ve tried to give some examples of other ways of snooping into someone’s private life that would be legal, while still being creepy (going through someone’s trash is another one I’d failed to mention earlier). I’m still not sure whether you think that’s appropriate or not.
I am posting just to point out that a credit score doesn’t tell the whole story of a person’s finances. A person can have a crappy credit score and still have a great net worth. Particularly the self-employed or those who own their own business. Periodic cash flow problems can result in a bad credit rating in spite of a solid net worth.
Or a person could own a piece of real estate worth millions and still have a bad credit rating because of low personal income. (A condition known among rural folk as being “land poor.”)
“Legal” is not the same thing as “ethical”. And honestly, if you’re* the kind of person who is ruled by your hormones to the exclusion of good sense, that’s a failing on your part, and you should see to that. “I just can’t help myself” is not a better excuse for snooping than it is for lying.
*universal “you”
It’s an awfully common failing, though. 
I’m feeling quite old in this thread. I guess I’m just old-fashioned then. The subject of children (which thank goodness is no longer an issue at my age), is another thing which I certainly would NOT be bringing up in the first couple of dates. Seriously, do you want the man to leave skidmarks? 
AT any rate, sure you can ask. Where did I say you couldn’t? But in the first few dates, people (Of both sexes) have a tendency to gloss over etc. Asking may or may not get you the complete answers, or in some cases HONEST ones.
Also PLEASE note that I have said that a “bad” credit history isn’t necessarily a deal breaker. FWIW I DID ask and talk about money with my son’s father (example I gave earlier). Again, from the data that was available at the time I was dating him, it all looked good on paper.
That’s just an example, since that’s all water LONG since passed under the bridge, but that is where knowing some history would have come in handy. Not so much the credit rating itself, as others have mentioned that doesn’t tell a person ANYTHING. More what I would have liked (looking back) is a history that showed the person’s modus operendi re: jobs, job and spending history. If a person’s credit rating is low because they’ve got a mortgage and other legitimate debt that’s one thing, but if they’ve got several cards closed for non-payment, or a history of “get rich quick” schemes, that’s need-to-know. And it’s not something that a person is likely going to disclose in the first few dates.
Well, that IS dating to one degree or another. No one goes on the first few dates and spills their guts about every single private detail of their lives. And frankly there are secrets that one never tells their SO. Are you of the same opinion about all screening of prospective dates? Other screening is “secretive” as well. Or do you tell every single person on eharmony “oh hey, I just wanted to let you know, that I’m not going to answer your post because I looked you up online and you’re married” or “I won’t be meeting you because I just found out that you are a smoker even though your profile says you’re not”?
One glosses over, puts the best foot forward and outright hides certain facts about oneself.
This option isn’t available or legal currently as far as I know. And I don’t say that I absolutely would use it if it were. What I do think is that harsh as it would be, it would be helpful, possibly crucial, in many instances. As far as I’m concerned, it’s screening, just as other methods are screening.
It would be invasive, but wouldn’t it also be invasive to ASK (on a first date) the sorts of things available on a credit check type background check? Are you really going to ask your date "so, how long have you been at your job? Do you job hop? Have you had long periods of joblessness? etc? Or do you want to date someone for several weeks so that you can diplomatically spread the information finding out over a “proper” amount of time, only to finally find out that this person has financial (or other) deal-breakers?
Are you of the same opinion when it comes to other background checks? Do you tell your date (on the first date) “by the way, since I don’t know you, I did (or am going to do) a criminal background check on you to make sure you weren’t a rapist, child molester, convict, con artist”?