If you don’t mind sharing, how did you find this out about yourself? Did someone tell you to STFU or did something just “click” in your head one day?
I think there must be one of these non-stop chatterboxes in every workplace. In my case, it’s a bloke. We don’t work in an office so I can manage to get away from him but, as well as talking non-stop without seeming to take a breath (someone else might be able to make a conversational contribution were he to do that), he talks LOUDLY. We work in a children’s hospital and he has no idea of an ‘indoor voice’ which is generally OK in the daytime - the patients make a fair amount of noise themselves - but he doesn’t tone it down a notch at night, even when he’s been asked a thousand times to do so.
Lucky for me, being a shift worker, I don’t have to work with him very often.
It is *exhausting *to talk to this woman. Any sign of interest and she will be back at your desk 20x more. Ironically she complains about how much *her *boss talks! But no matter how many subtle and not-so-subtle hints I give she’s back at it.
I’m not ready to be direct because I was just direct with her about another issue not too long ago - a food issue. This woman *constantly *bugs people about food. For example, one day she offered to buy everyone cupcakes. I am not on a “diet” but I do watch what I eat and I have developed two cardinal rules that help: never eat anything at the workplace you do not bring yourself, and all snacks you do bring to the workplace should be healthy. At home, if I want to eat a cupcake, that’s different.
So she goes from office to office asking what kind of cupcake they want. I am already cringing because I know what’s coming. She comes to my area - and I don’t have an office, just an open area.
“Mika, what kind of cupcake do you want?”
I smile and say, “Oh, no thank you, I don’t really want one, but thanks so much for offering.”
And then it starts! “Oh, you’re a party pooper! Mika’s a party pooper!”
As she goes back to her office. “Are you sure?”
As she leaves the office. “I could still get you one!”
As she comes back with the fucking cupcakes, “Are you sure you don’t want one? Haaaave ooooone!” In a sing-song tone. That’s four times in one day she’s bothered me about the cupcakes.
This is every fucking time she brings any food to the office, which is at least once a week. I decided I had to say something about it. Last week it was just her and me (shudder) in the office for three days. On the first day she offered to buy me lunch the next day, and I smiled and said, “No thank you.” Immediately she follows up with, “Are you sure? How about the next day?”
I looked her in the eye and said, “[Boss], I’d appreciate it if you didn’t pressure me about food.” She said “Ok,” I said thanks, and we moved on. I’m not sure if the lesson has sunk in yet, it’s only been a week, but let that one sink in and maybe we’ll try the next.
I came, I saw, I laughed. Yes, very true, and I love the old-style word natterer. Sometimes I sense a little bit of uncertainty on her part but her way of dealing with uncertainty is to plunge on with whatever is in her head at that moment.
That’s another thing. I…have a little less respect for people who cannot stand to be alone with their thoughts, ever. Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living, and I truly believe that. How can you be anyone, do anything in life, if you do not examine the thoughts in your own head? I certainly do have intrusive thoughts when I am silent, but I also have pleasant thoughts. And when I was younger I was a bit of a natterer out of nervousness. I have put my foot in my mouth enough times that I now think once, twice, three times before speaking. It’s made of me a quiet, introspective person, and I rather like the woman I’ve become, and am becoming. But it’s like these people never look inside.
She’s not over 50 - I think she’s about ten years older than me which would put her within three or four years close to it, though. Oh, and to make everything even nummier her husband watches Fox news exclusively, daily, and believes everything it says. :eek:
I love being inside my own head. I was the only kid at home, so I grew up used to playing on my own and amusing myself.
There’s a natterer at my work too. Sixty-something dude who has never been in a LTR or had kids. Work is his social life! He’s coming up for retirement soon but people say he will never retire because the workplace is his life. He treats all the coworkers’ kids as nieces and nephews and is the resident office husband.
Oh man every workplace seems to have one of these flap-jaws. The one at my work is a female in her 30s, and none of the usual cues seem to work with her. I can ignore her completely, and she still blathers on endlessly. I had to work our check in/sorter with her once, and she didn’t shut up for the entire hour I was with her. I ignored her as much as possible (some communication is necessary to operate this complex machine) and refused to engage in conversation with her, but she wouldn’t shut up. I even tried to avoid her by staying on the opposite side of the machine from her, but at one point she was acutally chasing me around the sorter, all the while spewing inanities.
She is single, lonely, socially inept, and a clueless bore. Other than that, she’s all right.
Oh, Jesus. That’s awful. Okay, plan B. Offer to make her a coffee and slip a couple of Valium in there. At the very least, if it doesn’t shut her up, it’ll definitely make what she says a little more “interesting”.
In all seriousness, is everyone else as annoyed by her? If so, I’d put in an anonymous complaint to her boss. I know it’s not an ideal solution but I can’t think of anything else. Well…there is a plan C, but it involves fake alibis and digging holes in the desert, so we’ll hold off on that one for now 
In my mother and aunt’s cases, a big factor is that both of them are the kind of person who needs to vocalize their thoughts; some people need to think in silence and then talk, they think while talking. I think out loud a small part of the time and it’s always “light” stuff: when they need to think about anything even slightly complicated, proccess anything that’s happened to them, it’s out loud.
At one point I mentioned to my mother that she’d already told me that particular story three times in the same call, and I didn’t give a shit the first time. She said she wasn’t telling me so I’d know, she was telling me because she needed to tell someone and I was the one person she could tell while being sure the story wouldn’t get back to the people she was talking about.
We established a protocol, still valid to this day, where when she starts telling me some hyperdetailed story I don’t give a shit about I can ask “do you want me to know or do you need to tell?” and if it’s the second I go into automated “u-hu” mode (or not even that); when she wants me to actually pay attention she says my name.
If the food experiment works, maybe that would too, Anaamika.
Is the Valium for her or for me?! This morning she is complaining how much her boss talks! After today I have off until the new year, so I keep telling myself, just make it through today, just one day.
We have the exact behavior in our office during meetings-- complete with acronyms and prolonged explanation about absolutely non-critical information, which none of us have any reason to know. I actually find it a bit rude in this case, since the person ignores an obvious pattern and just bogarts the meeting.
Luckily, our boss has gotten good about it, since he doesn’t like to hear it, either. We’ve since seen a reduction in the amount of meetings (they aren’t really meetings, more like a forum for this person to ramble), or tells the person to “meet later” to speak one on one, instead of holding everyone else hostage.
They rarely meet later, but I don’t think the person has caught on.
jayrey,
Your post is hilarious!
She is boring and tedious, but also distracting. Not much use in focusing on the first two: she will be hurt and offended, there will be negative repercussions for you, and she probably isn’t able to “get interesting” even if motivated to do so.
The distraction aspect is the important one here. As your boss, she surely wants you to complete some sort of tasks. Blame yourself for being unable to stay on track while interrupted, rather than the inane content of the interruption, or use the term “we” when you really mean her.
“I’m never going to get this work done if ‘we’ get started chatting again!,” for example.
While obviously you should not have to listen to any of her yammering ever, maybe isolating it to certain times would be better than nothing. “Oh, tell me at lunch, I need to get these things filed and I’m so bad at multitasking!” Then engage in a bit of active listening while she yammers for twenty minutes at lunch so she feels heard. It sounds like she is needling you because she knows you don’t like it, and thinks she will win you over if she is persistent enough, or that you deserve to be punished for not liking chatter. If you fake a little enthusiasm, she might think she has won and leave you alone.
“Yum, cupcakes! Make mine chocolate!” and then putting it in your desk drawer to dispose of later could have prevented three extra cupcake mentions.
Here’s a suggestion, hope this helps.
Sometimes the noise or discussions in my office gets kinda loud, and if I need to read and focus on something I put on a pair of hearing protectors, something just like a pair of these. I have told my cube neighbors that sometimes I need to focus, so they’re already aware. My boss is nearby and he knows I have them – he even let me expense them to the company. They’re about $20. They just hang inside my cube, within easy reach for when I need them. I use them about once every week or two, roughly.
This might seem silly, and I’m the only one that I know or have seen use them, but when they’re on me it’s a very visible sign to others that I can’t hear what they’re saying (so in other words, don’t talk to me now). If my boss (or anyone) has something critical to say, he just stops by and waves to me, and I remove them. No big deal, but then I know the interruption is truly important. The hearing protectors don’t block out louder noises, and sometimes I even put in ear plugs in addition, when I need it very quiet. I focus best that way.
I’m a guy, and I have short hair, and I know it may look a little silly or out of place with those on, but it really helps.
Another cube neighbor uses ear phones for music to do the same thing – a very visible sign to others, especially those who don’t STFU, to STFU around me!
HTH.
As far as food goes, tell her what you want, then throw it away. If she asks you later, just say you loved it. There is nothing wrong with throwing food away. I do like your work rules and plano n adopting them!
I think we all like to talk and to be heard. I’m fairly quiet but every so often get on a talking jag. Then I realize I’m monopolizing the conversation and STFU. But I’m a fairly well-adjusted individual. Natters don’t know when to STFU. We all have the inborn urge to talk and share–some just don’t know when to stop. They don’t have the ability to attend to anyone but themself. And whoever said part of nattering can be chalked up to anxiety has hit the nail on the head for me. The 2 I know are bundles of anxiety and I think talking helps them calm down. Plus they doesn’t like to be in their own heads and babbling prevents them from looking inside.
Or make her think she’s having a heart attack. My boss wouldn’t let any of near the controlled substance cabinet for a week after that story broke.
It just “clicked” shortly after I got married. I invited the entire office to our very informal backyard reception and only 2 co-workers showed up. I’d gone to all their parties, buck & does, etc. and yet when it’s MY reception suddenly everybody already has “plans to go to the cottage” that weekend? I realized then that my co-workers are NOT my “friends” and that they don’t give a shit about me past 5 pm on weekdays. So I adjusted my friendly social at-work attitude accordingly.
Meh, that works too
I work in a single story, mostly open floorplan building with about 1,100 other people. We have our share of talkers. Yes, they are bothersome when I’m trying to get stuff done. They are often bothersome when I’m not trying to get stuff done. That said, I try to be understanding. They may suffer from a mental disease. They may have a personality disorder. They may, like my mom, have just lost a spouse and be stuck in an empty house all day for pretty much the first time in their life. Perhaps their spouse is just not a talker and they get that release where they can. I try to view everyone through the filter “they may be fighting demons that would leave me cowering in the corner”.
When necessary, I use a line similar to one quoted upthread - “Hey, I would love to chat more, but I have a really tight deadline/major fire/huge task/urgent request to attend to right now. See ya later!”. Sometime I have to repeat the statement once or twice, but the message finally gets received.
I am not taking food and throwing it away. I’m 38 years old, this can be addressed directly, and will be! Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive, and it’s good practice as always. I want respect for the way I eat, and I will get it, even if I have to (gently) reiterate over and over that I’m OK, I do not need to be badgered into eating. This time I asked her privately. If she insists on making it a public spectacle, I will address it publically…politely and nicely, but this point will be gotten across!
Today I am working on getting it across that I do not want to chat. I have a lot of work to do as it’s my last day before New Year, and it seems to be working a little bit. She asked me this morning, “Do you have a lot to do?” And I pounced on it, and said, “Yes, I have a lot I need to accomplish before I leave.”
So while she’s still a little chatty, she’s a lot quieter than normal.
Like I said, I can’t block out my hearing because I have to answer the phone. Otherwise I would definitely wear my earphones all day! I have never wanted a door to my office as much!
Ahh – missed that. The music headphones, the foam kind, might still work. You can hear the phone ring with them. Oh well, good luck!
Thanks! I could complain about it - well, Ok, I’m probably going to complain about it no matter what - or I could be assertive about it. It will just take some time to find the right way. But I retain the right to not understand natterers!
I have co-workers like that but I work off by myself so I’m only subjected to their talking when I cross their path and can usually break away easily.
Plus, having an 8 year old kid makes me semi immune to that kind of thing.
During our 8 minute ride to school this morning, while I’m trying to think about my day and weekend plans, she was singing Christmas carols and asking me the words to some of them. Then she stopped singing and said “Wouldn’t it be funny if every word had to start with ‘cheese’? Like, ‘cheese, cheese cheese cheese?’ Know what I just said?”
“Nope”
“Guess”
“I don’t know, what was it?”
“I said ‘hi, how are you?’”
“That’s not really starting with cheese, it’s just saying cheese for every word.”
“I know, but wouldn’t it be funny? (3 second pause) Remember at that museum, I wonder why they had that rope up so you couldn’t go into that one part?”
“What museum?”
“The one we went to in the summer”
“I don’t know”
“Do you think it was because they were doing something special there”
“I barely remember going there, I have no idea”
"They should put up a sign so on you know what’s going on… You know, I used to think it was ‘you better not shout, you better not pout, you better not cry, I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town’. But at school on Wednesday, or maybe it was Tuesday… no, I think it was Wednesday, Victoria told me it was ‘you better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why…’
Me thinking: “Why are there no cliffs can drive off of around here?”