People Who Shout at Babies (i.e., my Hubby!)

The BBQ Pit
1

I am so mad at my husband right now.

In the first months after our twins were born, he did an excellent job of caring for them. Changing diapers, feeding, cuddling, playing - he was all over it. After a while, he was a little less enthused, but still did an excellent job; frankly my own enthusiasm as ebbed and waned at times, so that seems normal. Everyone in our families talks about what a great Dad he is.

Now that the babies are crawling and cruising, the challenges have shifted a bit. They get into things. My son (who’s far more physical) likes to pull his sister’s hair and sometimes knocks her down. They shout, they fuss, they jabber. Basically, it’s a zoo over here.

Well, my Hubby (who is not a stupid or an unkind man; he has a Ph.D. and loves animals) is so impatient with the kids. Especially our son. Hubby thinks he ought to be able to say “No!” from the couch and be obeyed. By 10-month-old babies! And when they don’t listen, Hubby’s volume increases. He shouts at them. He thinks this is fine, it’s “discipline”.

I’ve tried to explain redirecting, I’ve demonstrated it and done it frequently in Hubby’s presence. Hubby resents having to get up 10 times to correct the same behavior.

What’s ironic is the babies and I will often share a good holler - I think it’s a holdover from our recent Thanksgiving family gathering, during which Christmas songs were sung (badly). My daughter will let out a good yowl, I’ll join her, and my son will chime in. Hubby thinks this is awful, that the neighbors are going to think we’re abusing them. Over this joyous sound? But he has no compunctions about yelling their names, over and over, and I know that I can hear his voice down the hall, sounding quite menacing.

Do I need some perspective? Am I off base?

2

Hubby needs to get out a rod and hit the child. “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” That is in the Bible. A child should be given one chance to obey and then punished in such a way that the child will not make the same mistake again… A father needs to be like God of the Old Testament. When a child get of line - wrath. I think the problem here might be you. I get the feeling your husband would be happy to punish the children but you would not like it. I suggest that you read the Bible and get with the program - GET A ROD AND USE IT.

3

I don’t know you, so I’m not sure whether or not you’re whooshing me. You are kidding, right?

4

I’m going to ignore the first reply in the hopes of it being a joke.

Keep encouraging daddy. Ten month old babies need redirection. At this stage they’re just starting to figure out that they can do stuff that you don’t like. They have to be shown, 'cuz they don’t have the ability yet to take verbal direction. Yelling at them over and over just teaches them that daddy is going to yell but not do anything.

Be sure to let your husband know that this time in your kids’ lives (and the good and bad things that go with it) doesn’t last forever. :wink:

5

I read somewhere that a child’s brain isn’t physically developed enough to process and respond to commands like “No” for a couple of years. Yelling at them is futile, it’s not that they’re being contrary.

Since your husband is a Ph.D. (lotsa book larnin’), find evidence of this and show it to him. Tell him he can yell when they’re three.

6

(bolding mine)

So do Daddies, sometimes. :stuck_out_tongue: I wish I had good advice for you. I don’t. My husband is, I fear, going to be much the same way. He just doesn’t get this concept of “developmentally appropriate.” And he seems to think he was ever the obedient angel child and every child should be the same, 24/7. He is **so **in for a shock.

7

LOL… I was kind of thinking… “Daddy may just need a break…” :smiley:

8

Get Mr. PhD a book on child development. Children at that age are just starting to understand/recognize words, they are not the instruction obeying robots he hopes them to become. Grasping a few words should not be taken as a grasp of social structure.

When you say “especially our son” it makes me think that you suspect there is more to it than mere frustration. Personally I wouldn’t want him screaming at the kids even when they DO understand whats going on- the neighbors will notice that worse than your little howling sessions. BTW, I’d cut those out you may think they are cute but I can garauntee everyone withing 2 blocks hates you now. :slight_smile: Also if your hubby’s nerves are fraying that really can’t help.

9

Sorry to hear of the problems- there is nothing quite like having kids to highlight the differences in people’s parenting styles.

It sounds like your husband has a fairly dictatorial approach to child raising. My husband does, too. I don’t think that method is particularly effective, especially with children in the age group of yours. I prefer to request compliance and model good behaviour, myself (of course your kids ares still very small), rather then to try to compel good behaviour through forceful action. Redirection is probably the most effective method to use at your kid’s age.

Also, the main problem with yelling a kids is that they will learn to tune out the yelling until it reaches a certain (and ever escalating) decibel level.

Recently, I was cooking dinner and managing three pots on the stove that needed close watching when my son (7) asked for orange juice. I asked him to get it himself, but he spilled it. Since I had my hands full, I asked DH to come in and help. He yelled at my son for making a mess and told him he couldn’t pour OJ again. My son has Asperger’s type autism (he hates loudness and doesn’t understand strong emotions), and started asking “Can I never pour orange juice again?” DH was rudely berating him, when I cut him off and said “Of course you can do it again sometime, just not now” which sent DH into a tizzy of how no one listens to him… blah, blah, blah. My son said before that he doesn’t like daddy because he has a “bad voice”. This makes me sad for both of them.

10

It is exactly because children do not understand verbal punishment or instruction very well at young ages that a rod is needed. God knows what children are like that is why He tells parents to hit their children. It is an act of love.

11

No, I don’t think Kel was kidding. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should take him seriously, either.

12

This advice brought to you courtesy of the guy who killed his own son to save his own creation from his own wrath.

(thought shamelessly stolen from IIDB)

13

You know, that proverb confused me when I was a child. I thought it was a command.

14

I assume you mean YHVH, G-d or Jehova, not Kel Varnsen - Latex Division. :smiley:

15

I’m putting in perspective myself; he probably believes this because it’s the way he was raised.

Which seems to seal my personal take on it rather effectively.

16

Then spank trhe kid with it.

Well, it worked on an episode of Porky Pig.

17

Kel, you DO realize that the “rod” is properly translated as a shepherd’s crook, not a big butt-whacking stick, right?

Guidance, not corporal punishment, is what the Bible is advocating.

18

Thanks for sharing - it’s interesting to find that other people are struggling with this as well. I found a Dr. Sears book on discipline, which I’ll be ordering shortly. You guys are right about finding some research on reasonable expectations, that’s exactly what I need to do.

Things fessie learned today: 1. This issue of discipline isn’t easy, 2. Kel Varnsen is nuts.

19

Fuck you. You asked for advice. If you don’t loke my advice don’t take it. There is no need to act like a jerk*.

*Isn’t there a rule about this?

20

A) This is the Pit, so fuck off.

B) Advocating violence is kinda jerky, isn’t it?

Now fuck off.