People who turn you down then talk about other people they're in love with

One peculiarity I encountered last month with meeting people was that several times when I would get turned down for another date, the woman would apologize for things not working out, and they really REALLY wish there was some chemistry, and feel sorry I wasted my time/money taking them out just for them to reject me, etc. Okay, okay, I get it. You’re not interested in me that way. Fine, I can get on with my life. Thank you for your empathy, I guess.

But here’s the kicker- after that, they will shortly tell me how obsessed they are with some other guy. That disaffected construction worker they’ve been wooing without response, who only cares about beer and hockey? They’ll bribe him with tickets to a Sharks game just to get him to sit in the same building with them.

Why tell me this? :confused: If this happened only once, I could dismiss it as some fluke or something. But it actually seems to happen a lot. Is it a coincedence? See, I don’t understand how a person could feel so guilty about not being in love with me, and yet so readily discuss their obsession with some other gentleman.

My cynical guess is that by ‘apologizing’ to me, it is somehow absolving them of any guilty feelings they had of a guy who tried his damdest but just wasn’t interesting in ‘that’ way, and moving on to someone they are interested in.

My hard-learned dating advice: if you get someone who talks incessantly about exes, especially very early on, run. The other way. Quickly. This may be too harsh, and it’s perfectly possible that you’ll miss out on someone good with this strategy, but I’ve found that people who are overly quick to talk about former relationships are just not over it yet, which does not bode well for happy hookupage with you. This is not to say it’s not perfectly okay to be emotionally wounded by bad past relationships, etc.–but it scares away people if you insist on sharing every little detail before the salad even comes!

Part of the problem you’ve had is that I think people are too quick to push themselves back into dating when they’re not quite ready. Okay, get back on the horse, but not too soon. I read (don’t respond to) personals ads on CraigsList sometimes when I’m bored, and I frequently see something like “I just ended a four-year relationship three months ago, and am really looking back into the dating scene.” And that’s fine if you’re really and truly over it and genuinely want to be dating again, but if it’s just because of some misguided feeling that you ought to want it, then that’s not good at all. You have to know your limits. For myself, I know it takes me a relatively long time to get over a relationship that’s ended, so I live a fairly ascetic life until I’m certain that I’m ready to date again. There’s no sense in rebound dating that’s only going to hurt me and the guy, you know?

Hope this is some help…

La Llorna, while your advice is sound I think that you might have misunderstood the OP: the women aren’t talking about former relationships, they’re talking about men they’re currently interested in (but not dating).

Incubus, I wonder if those women were just trying to make you feel better – like, they’re not really turning you down because of you, it’s because they’re interested in someone else. It’s crappy, yeah, but it sounds like maybe they’re just trying too hard to “let you down easy.” I don’t know what it is with people who can’t gracefully deliver rejection, whether it’s a lack of self-confidence or what, but it bugs the heck out of me, too. :slight_smile:

Fair enough. I just wish people were a little more honest. I can take rejection, it just bugs me when people are weird about it. People can have the most convoluted ways of saying ‘I’m not interested’.

Yes, I had this happen. Very weird.

Well somewhat. We’d been going out pretty regularly together, rock climbing, golfing, make dinner or go to a movie, and then one day we’re out to see a baseball game. So we stopped at a bookstore and as we chat and look at the new releases, she picks up one titled something like “How to get guys to like you.” So I’m all “Yeah, I don’t think you need that. Heheh.”

“No I do, there’s this guy I like… He’s <blah blah memory erased to spare self>”

Just whaaaaa?

So I don’t know what your situation was like but personally I would guess that being dumped first is at least better for your heart.

just breakdowns in communication, aren’t these?
i mean, taking a girl out to do various things, and then she picks this book up…i mean, was this girl dense about it?

i’m pretty dense when it comes to dating. it takes me a while to get around to dating a gal because i NEVER pick up on those little signs. when “hey, i like you” would suffice, there’s the “little game” game. when those games are played, nobody really wins. that is, unless you’re the type that thinks that everyone of the opposite sex is into them. then you’ll read signs into nothing.

So before the date even ends they’re telling you the “chemisitry” isn’t there and then they proceed to tell you about the Adonis that lives next door?? :dubious:

If any woman did that to me I’d be esscorting her home or asking for the check quickly as possible. In other words I’d be running away from her as soon as I could with out actually leaving her stranded on some street corner.

First of all, quit taking out the strippers. :dubious:

Next, realize that these women aren’t dense-they knew all along what you were after, and they had you marked as a, well, mark. The whole thing reeks of a free-meal-let- the- sap -pay- for- my- outings- to -look- for- some- stud scenario. What you need is to spend less cash on the first X number of dates. Keep it cheap, and somebody will see you with HER, and you can leverage that.
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