People don’t ask me why because I don’t readily volunteer that I was bullied. Who does?
Note: I was 1) The new kid 2) The Pastor’s kid 3) The smart kid 4) Smaller and younger than most of the kids in my grade because I was bumped up a grade while quite young. (ie half a year of kindergarten and half a year of first grade.)
The usual: bullied because I wouldn’t fight back, was skinny and not athletic, an easy target. Right up to the day I became friends with the baddest mother in the school. Suddenly, nobody fucked with me anymore. I know it sounds like some stupid movie plot, but true nonetheless.
I was bullied by one particular kid because:
We were both trumpet-players in 7th-grade band. Once, we had an impromptu challenge initiate by the director. He happened to play better than me that day, so he went up to 3rd chair, me down to 7th. The next week, I re-challenged, and this time I played better, and got my chair back. To-be bully was pissed.
Also band related: during marching season, various people weren’t marching correctly (Sousa-style). The director asked me to go to the front and demonstrate the proper method. Afterwards, bully and a couple of toadies beat me up in the band room, out of director’s view.
I was rather scrawny in junior high. In PE, I was an easy target for aforementioned bully. He’d tackle me as we lined up for warm-up stretches. I wasn’t strong enough to break his holds. It didn’t help that our last names started with the same letter, so we were in the same locker area. He’d often make it a point of rat-tailing me as I changed back into street clothes.
There were other incidents, based either on me showing him up (to his point of view), or just me being the easiest to bully within eyeshot.
I saw him at our 10-year reunion; didn’t talk to him. We had mutual friends, but I didn’t use that as a bridge to talk to him.
I didn’t go to my high school reunion last month (30 year). From friends’ pictures, I saw that he’d attended. He looked as snarky as he did in junior high and senior high school. Still don’t think I could greet him warmly.
Yes, it’s a terrible question because it implies the victim did something to deserve it.
I was bullied a lot in elementary school and part of middle school. It doesn’t bother me when people ask why. I was a geeky, self-important, clueless egghead/teacher’s pet. Also, my mom had no idea what clothes were fashionable in my age range, which invited a lot of teasing. I remember being in 6th grade, still wearing sweatsuits (ugly ones, not the more modern cute ones) to classes, and not knowing that clothes (much less makeup) even mattered to my peers. Those things certainly didn’t matter to me, you know?
Once I got into band, I learned social skills that helped me turn a lot of it around. And I started reading teen magazines and asking for more fashionable clothes. By the time high school started, I had band friends that were my age and older–like my section leader, who was a really awesome guy. Thus, I became cool by association and didn’t get bullied anymore. Just another reason that band is great! 
This is not to say or imply that every person being bullied is in some way culpable. But I can certainly understand why I didn’t fit in. Fortunately, I was bullied because of something I could fix (being obnoxious and unfashionable). People are often bullied for things they *can’t *fix (like sexual orientation), or even sometimes for no reason at all. So I don’t condone it.
This is exactly why the question is unacceptable. Being unfashionable needs to be “fixed”? Being geeky needs to be “fixed”? It’s o.k. to pick on people if they can change whatever you don’t like about them? It’s o.k. to pick on people you’ve deemed to be obnoxious?
Any solution to bullying that involves the target having to change is no solution at all–it only sends a message that the tormentors were in the right.
Nobody’s ever asked me why I was bullied. I figure they look at me, see that I’m fat and deduce that I was a fat kid. Which I was, and that was indeed the reason I got bullied.
I can see why some people would get pissed off being asked why, though – it does appear to blame the victim.
PS: What Doug K. said in #26
It’s not okay to pick on people you’ve deemed to be obnoxious- for certain definitions of “pick on people”. If “pick on people” means that the victim is humiliated or is physically assaulted, then it’s obviously not OK. If “ostracized” means that a small number of people convince a larger number of people not to associate with a particular person, that’s not OK either.
But somehow, the meaning of words has expanded to the point that when someone talks about one kid "picking on" or "bullying" another , I don't know if they are talking about one kid being the constant target of humiliation, or if they are talking about a situation where kids tease each other in general, without any constant targets or anyone being exempt. When people talk about "ostracism" , I don't know if they mean that the Mean Girls convinced everyone else to be mean to a victim, or if they mean that a particular person has no friends because he or she doesn't have any interests in common with the others or because of the "victim's" own behavior.Nobody has ever asked me why.
I don’t even know why. I was a victim waiting to happen, in some ways. I’m often surprised how I’ve never been victimised as I grew older, though I do get taken advantage of a fair bit.
What has to be pointed out is that there is a difference between asking the question academically (why are certain children chosen as targets?) and asking a particular person the question. The former suggests means of intervention, the latter is blaming.
The answers given illustrate some of the academic points. Bullies may not be using a rational process but there is still an explanation for the dynamic. They often choose particular targets that they feel violate some particular perceived group norm. The thought is that the bully perceives that being the enforcer elevates their social status (and tacit acceptance by most with overt approval by some reinforces the belief). Bullies choose victims who have difficulty mounting an effective defense, often meaning that they lack the strong established set of allies who would help them.
So sure, many of us, in retrospect, can identify how we were somehow out of the what the bully thought should be the desired norm and how we lacked the means of defense, again often meaning not having an established group of strong allies. Asking a former victim to state in what manner they were either out of the norm and/or unable to mount an effective defense though is still rude and stupid.
That said understanding that dynamic is why current interventions focus on the role of the bystander. If the group makes it explicitly clear that the bullying behavior violates the social norm and if bystanders form the means of mounting an effective defensive even for those without strong allies, then bullying occurs less often.
Not necessarily - but learning good social skills and “social camouflage” can be exceptionally useful talents for anyone to pick up early. Since we don’t really have “charm school” any longer, either you’re socially aware enough to pick up skills like that without much work, or you’re not and could really use some help.
Most kind people are too nervous about making you feel bad to politely say something like:
So who’s going to say something? The people that aren’t interested in being kind to that person. Maybe the glommed-onto “friend” or “romance” who just can’t take it any longer. Someone who’s having a shitty day or life and sees a proverbial dog to kick.
I understand how it’s rude. The question requires someone to dig up painful memories.
However, if the whole topic of bullying was brought up by the bullied person in the first place, I can see how a curious person may think this gives them permission to be liberal in the kinds of questions they ask. (Based on the thinking that if they don’t want me to ask the “obvious” question, why the hell are they opening up this topic of conversation in the first place?)
I guess I don’t understand how it’s necessarily stupid, though. I don’t think the analogy to rape is a good one. Everyone is raped in a similar way, for similar reasons. People are bullied in different ways, for different reasons.
I was harrassed because I talked and moved funny. I am not coming to this conclusion from a perch of aged wisdom; I knew even back as a kid that I talked and moved “weirdly”, completely independent of anyone else’s perception. I was also harrassed because I didn’t even try to fit in socially. I didn’t want to, seeing as how I thought all social activities were a waste of time. There were other kids who got teased, but for other reasons. For instance, no one had ever called me out for being poor or for having a Jheri curl, because those things didn’t apply to me. No one ever called me a slut either, for the obvious reason.
When other people talk about having been bullied, my first reaction is to wonder how their experience was different from mine.
I am sure there are lots of people who don’t know why they were singled out…or maybe they do but the answer is embarrassing. But for every person who hates the question, there seem to be plenty of others who don’t. And not only that, they seem to have pretty good insight (see this thread). I think the curious are just trying to tap into that.
I got bullied quite a lot by one girl in the 7th grade; she beat me up after school quite often. My mother’s rule was that “ladies don’t fight” and once the girl knew I wouldn’t fight back my goose was cooked.
Finally, one of the neighborhood kids had a little talk with my mother. He told her as long as I didn’t fight back I was an easy target and that it would keep happening. My mother looked at me and said “the next time she starts something, beat her ass”.
I did. Badly enough that her mother showed up at my door. She never bothered me again, though.
I was bullied because I was a nerd. I also made it worse on my self by being an ARROGANT nerd. (throwing back any intellectual disadvantage they had right in their face…etc…didn’t catch on that I could have made my life a lot easier by just shutting the heck up until much later).
Was worst in middle school, of course. Abated a little in 8th grade, when I started to figure out how to handle it better, and vanished entirely in high school when I became an athlete and was larger and stronger than the vast majority of the bullies. Now, my sport was swimming, which could have been a point for them to continue ridicule, except I could outbench most of the football team members who were in my grade and I had sprouted and was taller than most of them too. They pretty quickly stopped any taunting of me.
Yeah I totally see your point Montro… In a recent attempt to combat this… to look at this issue… the people who weren’t bullied or paid that shit no attention at all will probably ask. And the wound/scab will have to be picked to understand the social dynamic…
I got bullied because I talked white… growing up with a mother who was determined to have her children speak the king’s english… (okay not that bad lol) on the southside of Chicago in the 70’s and 80’s was a statement. Sad to say sometimes I had to pay a price for that very statement. I think Rachel is shortsighted to think some new gear can clean this up for the plurality being bullied. And I rarely remember adult teachers really doing a whole helluva lot to stop the issue.
At some point I grew and started playing basketball… but I’ve never forgotten it… and don’t attend reunions. The concept that since we shared High school space means something to me… is totally lost on me. If I gave a flip… we’re still communicating. I guess that’s a residual effect of still feeling it…
I didn’t fucking think or say anything like that. Piss off. I didn’t generalize my experience to other people or try to give advice, I merely described what happened to me. I didn’t say buying new clothes would work for most people being bullied, I said it’s (a component of) what worked for me. In fact, I stated that a lot of people are bullied for no reason at all, or for things they are unable to “work on”–like sexual orientation. I explicitly said I don’t condone bullying, only that letting my mother dress me into my middle school years was part of what made me stand out as a target.
Being strawmanned by an idiot makes me far angrier than being asked about being bullied as a child. :rolleyes:
I don’t recall being bothered by the question, largely because no one has ever asked me.
I was bullied as a child, and when I earned my teaching credential, I researched a paper on bullying. Unfortunately, that paper is back in California while I’m here in Texas, so I can give you general answers, but I don’t have the specific citations I used in the paper.
The question is legitimate, but those who ask it need to remember just how painful a subject it is for those being asked. Just as it’s important to understand the dynamics that lead up to date rape, it’s important to understand the dynamics that lead to bullying. Just as it’s crucial to respect a date rape survivor’s pain and humiliation, the same is crucial when working with the survivors of bullying.
Why do bullies pick on a particular child? Simple. They don’t start that way. Bullies start with random selection. They will pick on anyone once - even the most popular, secure kids. Their target’s reaction is what determines whether or not they return to bully again. I had the reaction they were looking for. I shrank away. I didn’t fight for myself. I tried to appease them. I shut down. They had the freedom to torment me without consequence. It wasn’t until eighth grade that I learned to stand up for myself or, in one specific instance, a teacher discovered what was happening and put it right.
There are three types of bullying identified in the literature: physical, social, and reactive. I suffered physical and social. I didn’t see reactive bullying and recognize it for what it was until I was a teacher. Reactive bullying happens when target brings the bullying on themself - not on purpose, and certainly not in a manner that they should be blamed for. It’s usually when the target shows such aberrant behavior in relation to their peers, that their entire peer group goes out of their way to reject, punish, and ostracize the target.
The example I can give you is from when I was substituting. I had a fifth grade class for two days. The majority of the kids were great, as they usually are. A couple of them were stinkers, and I made it clear to them what the consequences were for bad behavior. They calmed down.
There was one boy, though, who just made my heart ache. He had no friends. He would take things - a rock sample from the science lab, for instance - and show it to me and claim that it was worth tens of thousands of dollars and that his dad had given it to him. He had a hair trigger temper and a completely out-of-proportion response to any perceived slight. So, if another kid made a harmless, joking comment to him - one that was clearly intended to give the boy a chance to join in social discourse - the boy would explode verbally, threaten to tell his father, and work himself into a tizzy. Then, he would start insulting the others, getting back at them for their perceived bullying.
This was only a couple of months into the school year, and this boy was already treated like a plague carrier. I was only there a couple of days. I never did find the right approach to reach the boy, though when he accused me of not helping, I told him that he needed to wait more than two seconds before deciding I had abandoned him. I did manage to get across to the other kids that the best thing they could do was leave him alone, and if that wasn’t possible, to treat him with kindness. He already had problems, I told them. Don’t add more grief to his life.
Bullying is no simple topic. Targets can turn around and become bullies. Bullies suffer from their behavior almost as badly as targets do. Forcing schools and parents to recognize the harm done and to enforce safe school policies is extremely different. Changing how bullying is perceived is even more difficult. But, we’ve come a very long way from when I was a kid, and that’s nothing but good.
I was bullied quite a bit while going through school in Los Angeles. I know exactly why I was bullied though. It was made extremely clear that it was racially motivated, and the bullies were quite happy to tell me that my skin was the wrong color and I didn’t belong in “their” (bullies?) schools. This happened in elementary, middle, and high school. I was the only Caucasian person that I knew outside of my immediate family. I was lucky enough to move away after the 9th grade, though.
I was bullied quite a bit during certain periods of my childhood. No one has ever asked me why, because I never bring it up. Mostly, it was because I was weird and insecure but, to be honest, part of it was that I wasn’t even a very upstanding guy. I lacked character. I was sort of weaselly and dishonest, much of which, I think, came from my horrible insecurity. This aspect of my personality tipped my social status from “weird kid people ignore” to “victim of horrible bullying.”