Sue, I have very little to add. I just want you to know that that wonderful kid of yours could not have ended up with a better mother. You rock. That kid has nothing to be afraid of, with such a strong woman to look after him.
Kick any asshole to the curb that can’t deal with your son. They’re not worth it.
I rest my case.
momcat - I’m one of those people who look at the cars in handicapped parking to make sure they have a permit. I know how hard it is to get one because I jumped through hoops when my mom was sick. People are so quick to judge sometimes. I’m glad to hear that medications have helped you and sure wish you all the best!
Sara - I bet that mom appreciated your help. Pretty sad that some people think disability automatically means contagious isn’t it? Sympathy is something I have never looked for. I don’t consider that I have had this terrible thing done to me. On the contrary, I have this wonderful little boy who I was blessed with.
EJsGirl - I agree that sometimes some people don’t know how to react. I also wish there was a way to help, but alot of times I truly believe its a general attitude. Even professionals such as doctors often have the same types of behaviours.
Green Bean - If my son needed a motorized chair, he’d damn well use it wherever we went no matter what anyone said or thought, even Quisling 
Spider Woman - No, I don’t mind you asking at all. Autism is something that was ruled out very early on. My boyo is very alert and makes direct eye contact. The closest they could come up with was cerebral palsy which they also ruled out. We did ask about it when he was a baby since we had heard the term but didn’t know what autism was all about.
Ang - You betcha babes!! I never ever mind helping someone to understand but something I’ll never tolerate in my life is ignorance and intolerance.
Coldy - Thanks so much hon. Each and every time I’ve blown a fuse or been upset because something has happened medically, you have been supportive!! That means alot to me.
What a great group of people come in here. I feel kinda bad I started this in the pit now!
Sue, I absolutely hear where you’re coming from. I’m hearing disabled, and I stopped telling people a long time ago because they assumed that I was stupid as a brick. To this day, I have people who will talk to me just to see how long it takes for me to hear them. Assholes.
My mom teaches mentally retarded kids ages 18-21. (In the US education system, mentally retarded kids graduate at 21, not 18.) She teaches them job skills, helps them find jobs, ect. I do a lot of volunteering there, and I did Special Olympics for quite a few years. One of the things I hate most is when I’m with one of her schoolkids (several of whom are my friends) and people stare at us like we’re a freakshow.
Snap judgement: the world could use more moms like you.
andygirl
I’ve been lucky. I’ve never dealt with assholes when it comes to my son. When I’m going to date someone I tell them right away about Greg and so far it’s been good. One guy was uncomfortable around him but only because he couldn’t understand what he was saying. He made an effort to talk to him and I told him if he didn’t understand him then ask him to write it down.
I was glad that he at least made an effort and tried to talk to him like a “normal” (I hate that term) person.
He’s 9 now and at an age where kids can be cruel and I find myself being over protective. I worry so about how the other kids in the building play with him but they are wonderful. And the kid’s parents are even better.
But believe you me, if I ever deal with a jerk you’d better believe I’d tear him a new one! I’m so sorry you had to deal with that guy. 
Dear Sue-
I work in a dental office, and we recently met a young girl with Down Syndrome. When she first came in, she was very shy, and stood in a far corner until it was her turn to come to the treatment area.
The next time she came, she stood in the corner of the door to my office, but wouldn’t look at me when I said “Hi.”
The third time she came in, she walked immediately over to my desk, gave me this HUGE smile, and held out her hand.
I have never, ever felt more honored in my life.
Her mom tells me that the reason she is so shy is that too many times, she reached out to people and they sort of “recoiled,” before getting hold of themselves and putting on a mask. (These are mom’s exact words.) My new friend is NOT STUPID, do these people think that she doesn’t see, and feel the hurt of their behavior? Do they think that because they attempt to hide their feelings they are fooling this young lady, or for that matter ANYONE?
The thought of people treating this precious girl that way makes me feel sick, and it makes me livid. I can only imagine how much worse it must be for a mom.
Tatertot said it best. If I may quote her, I think this is worth repeating.
God Bless you and your son.
Scotti
Thanks, Scotti for pinning down the crucial point tatertot wrote.
The sad fact is, people who never look beyond surfaces live sterile, unkind lives–but they also callously inflict a lot of pain on innocent people. I try to believe that in the end it balances out by the shallow folk showing themselves unworthy and uninterested in anything but the superficial. But the pain and offense to the innocent throws that wishful little solution out of balance.
A lot of people dismiss kids in general, but it’s even more cruel to a child who’s “different”. Maybe some of it is momentary confusion (what should I do? is it rude to “notice”? etc.). But it’s still so stupid and wrong. And by extension, to all people who don’t fit in the attractive/mainstream norms.
People aren’t their bodies, or anyone’s labels. (We’re all TABs: temporarily able bodied. Catch the hostility even here to the the infirmities, fuddlements and physical characteristics of old people?) Sad and odd, that.
I wish there were a better answer for you and your splendid little boy. I guess the best comfort I can offer is the people who treat him badly aren’t worthy of his respect, because they haven’t learned–yet–to do any better.
It’s the content of the heart and character that matter. The wrapping is subject to change.
Veb
I don’t have much to add. Now that I’ve met your son, I see how beautiful he is. Not only is he lucky to have a mom like you, but you’re lucky to have him as your son.
I see everyone equally. It is not something I do consciously, that is just how I am. This got me in trouble once, and it pissed off some customers. They were not screaming mad or anything, but still kinda annoyed with me.
Back in my days as a waitor for Bennigan’s I was seating a family at this table. As everyone sat down, I handed them a menu. There was a lady about 75 or 80 maybe who was in a motorized wheelchair and did not speak words, and could not move very well. I don’t know what the label for her is.
Anyway, I laid a menu in front of her. Maybe she could point or something, I dunno. The husband, (I think it was her husband) got visibly annoyed and mumbled something to his family members as he took the menu away. The others just kinda looked at me all pissed. This is not fair because some people who have been mad if I did not give her one. Like, “Why the hell is she not good enough for a menu?!??” or something.
What do you Dopers think? It was a few years ago so it really doesn’t matter anymore. But input would be nice.
Some people see disability as a stigma, and will do so even with family members. I think that disabled people aren’t all that different from the rest of us. We’re all different in our own way. Sometimes it’s through a disability of some sort or a disorder. I see no point in acting like someone isn’t there or treating them like they are only able to understand if I talk to them like they are infants. I just don’t understand why people are sometimes afraid of people with disabilities.
-The Shadowed One-
quote:
“A lot of people dismiss kids in general, but it’s even more cruel to a child who’s “different”. Maybe some of it is momentary confusion (what should I do? is it rude to “notice”? etc.). But it’s still so stupid and wrong. And by extension, to all people who don’t fit in the attractive/mainstream norms.”
Momentary confusion is not wrong nor stupid. People are not trained to deal with the unknown or unusual. Everyone reacts differently. Selfish people have the right to live too, even though this sounds thoughtless or wrong, the opposite is to put all the selfish people in the world to death? Enough of slamming selfish people.
I still remember my experiences opening doors for handicapped people as an adolescent. One time, I tried to open a door for a guy who was physically handicapped. He looked at me so fiercely that I recoiled. I guess he didn’t want people to help him like he was unable to open doors. But from that time onwards, I check to see if I’m wanted first.
By the way, it’s very easy to get a handicap permit. All you need is a Dr’s signature. And some patients will force you to give them one.
I have run into this problem when working/cohabitating with handicapped people and women. The nice, gentlemanly side of me says “Be thou a good person and openst the door for them, yeoman.” The politically correct side says “They’re human. If they want you to open it for them they will ask.”
As I don’t want to offend anyone in this situation, I either ask if they’d like help or, if I see that I can, I quicken my pace a bit, get there before them, and open it and keep it open for them. I haven’t gotten a complaint yet, though I’ve not done it many times.
The trouble is that some people in wheelchairs are perfectly capable of opening a door by themselves, while others aren’t. It’s often very difficult to tell and I can understand how someone might be offended at the thought of another opening a door for them. At the same time, I would hope they would be able to see that such an act is done (by me, in this case) out of kindness rather than pity. When I’m a bit ahead of a group of people I hold the door behind me sothey can get in as well. Common courtesy is all it is. Doesn’t take more than a few seconds, usually.
Bear, I don’t see any problem with what you did. If she had been on a respirator or somesuch, or you felt she was blind, you might have not given her a menu or possibly gotten her one in braille, but I don’t see treating someone as any other human, in that instance, as anything punishable or bad.
Interesting question, Bear.
A buddy of mine is blind, and I have eaten out with her on many occasions.
Sometimes, she is just given a menu. This is good. She always picks it up and “looks” at it. Guess she is curious as to what kind of menus the place has.
Sometimes she is asked if she wants a Braille menu. This is good. She declines, and says thanks. It’s a lot easier for us to just read the pertinent parts of the menu to her.
Sometimes, she is not given a menu at all. This is bad. First of all, the server has no way of knowing exactly how blind my friend is. Lots of people have conditions where they need assistance to walk through a crowded and dark restaurant, but can read the menu up close. Second, the menu is part of the, I dunno, rhythm of eating in a restaurant. It is just really weird and really obvious to skip her when giving out menus.
I think you did the right thing by giving the lady in the wheelchair a menu. It would have been wrong of you to assume that she didn’t want one.
andygirl - I’m sorry that you have been treated that way. Something I will never understand is how disability automatically means stupid. I admire the work you and your mom are doing.
MaryAnn - I learned something from it thats for sure. I’m the same, I am very upfront about my son. I haven’t been back in this dating thing for very long but its something I have thought about all along, before I stepped out again. We are a package, plain and simply. It seems you have things perfectly in hand!!! I’m glad it has worked out for you.
Scotti - Thank you!! One of the reasons we quit having testing done, along with the fact that a label didn’t matter anymore is that boyo was terrified of people. The only people he would go near was his father and myself. He wouldnt even go near his grandparents. He was scared that everyone would examine him, twist his legs, etc. Once we stopped, he opened up like a flower. He is a bit shy sometimes but usually dives right in to meet people, which admittedly gets us into trouble sometimes with people who don’t like to be approached.
Veb - One of the things I love about your postings is that you see things from both sides and say how you feel. So many people miss out on such wonderful things by their actions and behaviours.
Lola - boyo had such a great time with you and Feynn, his new buddies. I really do think that helmet would have fit on your head if he just had squeezed it a little bit harder Thanks again for a great afternoon. He was excitedly chattering away when we left.
Bear - I would have done exactly the same thing you did. You had no way of knowing if this person could use the menu or not. I guess there is always two sides to everything. If it had been me, I would have been miffed if I hadn’t received a menu.
ssskuggiii - You are so right. I have a sister who isn’t welcome in my home because of the way her children have treated my son. I sat them down and explained to them what was “wrong” with their cousin in terms they would understand and explained to them that he was just like them in that he loved to play too. They thought it was more fun to knock him off balance and see him go flying or be just downright rude to him. My sister’s opinion was that I don’t push him hard enough to be normal. I guess I still havent learned what “normal” entails.
Major - Slamming selfish people wasn’t my intent here. People’s reactions are not necessarily always selfish. Like everything you do in life, you learn. When you start a new job, you learn about the position and the people. When you make new friends, you learn about them. What I am talking about is a general tolerance. Why is it so difficult for some people to just be polite in day to day dealings with people. And yes, I did have problems getting my parking permit. It wasn’t as easy as that.
iampunha - I’m the same, I always hold the door open for people. We were at a restaurant the other day and I did just that for a couple, he was in a wheelchair. She told me they had everything under control so I let the door close.
Thanks again everyone… It’s wonderful to read people’s input!
I was pretty lucky yesterday.
I finally got to meet this really great kid whom I have heard about so much and we spent the better part of an afternoon just playing around the house. The people who don’t know him are missing a lot.
His mom is is pretty great too. I just can’t believe she used the “F” word…
I really really am sorry about the F word… it just slipped off the tip of my fingers in a moment of weakness
Before I ever started working with disabled people I was in the restaurant business and I remember waiting on a table one evening. This large group came in with an older gentlemen and I noted right away that he was blind.The fact he had his white cane and that his son was leading him to the table was a giveaway.
Anyways… when they were seated I took everyone’s order and asked the gentleman if he would like his meal set out in any particular way. He said he would appreciate it very much if the chef could pre-cut his items for him. I told the gentleman where things were on the table ie: water at 12 o’clock and coffee cup at one, etc. then went off to talk to the Chef.
I was explaining to the chef (Spiro) exactly what I wanted done with this man’s order and he was more than happy to accomodate. (Spiro was one of the co-owners). The other co-owner (Ms. Nasty) walked by and went into a tirade about us not having the time to do extras like this for people, she actually asked what would happen if we did this for everyone. I quietly told her that our customer was blind and that this wasn’t much of an extra. I explained that our customer would enjoy not having someone at the table cut his food for him. Spiro told her it wasn’t a problem.
So the meal came and I delivered plates to everyone at this table. I let the man know where his food was on his plate and left these people to enjoy their dinner.
Afterwards the older gentleman’s son took me aside and told me how pleased he and his father was with the service and this was service he had never received in a restaurant before. I explained that I have a cousin who is blind and knew what he liked… no big deal. Ms. Nasty was right there and injected that it was no problem at all. Of course this was total bullshit from her.
Later on I asked if we could get some menus done in braille and heard the same crap from Ms. Nasty about this being too much trouble. Spiro, a man of few words said very little and came back a few days later with a couple of braille menus, he said they had cost him nothing. Nothing was said to the Ms. Nasty about this.
These people called back to make another reservation and spoke to Ms. Nasty, they asked first when I was working next and asked that I be their waiter. When they came in I went and got the braille menu and handed it to the older gentleman. His mouth droppped open and he expressed his amazement the we would do this. They spoke to Ms. Nasty on the way out and were effusive in their praise. After they left Ms. Nasty almost blew a blood vessel when she discovered the braille menus. Spiro actually stepped in and tore a strip off her in both Greek and English.
Spiro and Ms. Nasty dissolved their partnership soon after, he is still in business and runs a great little restaurant that is always packed. Ms. Nasty kept the original establishment and went bankrupt about a year later. I consider this a good example of Karma…
One of the kids at the shelter where I used to volunteer was developmentally disabled, and he had limited vision and hearing. The other kids could hear the bell calling them inside, or they could see the staff rounding up the kids for lunch, but he couldn’t. Oftentimes, someone would just come and take him by the hand when it was time to go someplace.
He liked it better, though, when I’d walk up to him and say his name real loudly while gesticulating like a madman. When seen from a distance, it probably looked like I was flipping out. “BOBBEEEE!!! WHOOO-HOOO, BOBBEEE! ::flapping both arms like a demented pelican:: BOBBEEEE!! TIME TO GO TO (–whatever–)!!!” He’d jump up and follow along while I continued waving, pointing, and hooting. He thought it was hilarious, and he had the greatest laugh–just a heartfelt, wide-open laugh that was a joy to hear.
If I had never tried to engage Bobby, I’d never have heard that laugh, and I’d be poorer for it.
And to you, Sue…
Your posts give evidence to your love and dedication to your son as well as to your thoughtfulness and compassion for others, and I love you for it.
Even if you did say, “fuck.”
I’ve come to the conclusion over the years that if someone doesn’t like you for you, then they aren’t worth having around. What can they possibly offer you? You will have to get used to your son being stared at, as people will always do it, but you can learn to think of those people as worthless, because they haven’t learnt to accept people for what they are. I guess you could say I’m “disabled” even though I’m not, I was born with very bad Scoliosis which made me hunch over slightly, this always got me stares and teasing, and it used to affect me, but now I’ve learnt to laugh at people if they stare. I simply stare back. They don’t know me and never will because they go by appearances alone. Just remember that there ARE accepting people out there who will love you and your son, and until the day you find them, don’t feel disheartened because of our messed up society. Learn to laugh at people like that.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by CanadianSue *
I am nothing special, just a mom who loves her son…
A mom who loves her son is special.
God bless you both.