Not single (or polyamourous).
My ex.
WAY too young for me.
Living in a whole different country.
Think that sort of thing would ruin friendship. (Not that I’ve ever asked any of these people for sex, it’s just come up in conversation.)
Some combination of the above.
Male friends:
Straight.
Not single (or polyamourous).
In a whole other country.
Some combination of the above.
I have a few friends that if they were single (and/or nearby) I could probably get some if I asked, but they’re not, so it’s not really an option.
I’ve not had sex for just shy of 2 years. Not really by choice - if the opportunity came up, I’d likely take it, but it hasn’t - but, I’m not hurting for it. I could go the rest of my life without ever getting laid, and not really feel the lack. Even the last time I was getting some it was mostly ‘hey, this is nice’, not ‘wow, this is so great, how could I live without it?’
I’ve been celibate for about six hours now. I plan to live the celibate lifestyle once more for a little less than a week.
Until just under a week ago, I had gone sexless for around 7 months. It was utterly harrowing. I kicked drugs and smoking in about the same time period without much of a problem, but not getting intimate attention really drove me up the wall.
Like it or not, “a woman can get it anytime she wants it” means just what it says, and includes no disclaimer or warranty regarding the quality of the “it” she can “get”.
There you go. Your standards are too high.
I used to be all about casual sex. But now I’m in a serious relationship and the difference is amazing. The sex is SO much better, it’s really unbelievable. It’s better than heroin.
I find that hard to believe. There’s gotta be male prostitution services for women. Anyway, the majority of women wouldn’t need one, as they could probably get it for free by finding the right horny guy and asking for their services. When I was single I would have gone for that any day of the week.
I think we’re suffering from a case of “Every Black Man I See On The Street Is That Guy From America’s Most Wanted”, here. Who’s to say it’s difficult to find a hooker outside the stereotype? I’m talking about escort-services-in-the-weekly-reader type hookers, not corner-of-Independence-and-Main type hookers, BTW.
Spot on. I’ll take two hours of cuddling to 20 minutes of humping any day of the week, and the cuddling and gentle kisses was what I missed most when I went without.
Poppycock. First dates are handed out like candy.
I agree with davenportavenger here. If you like not getting laid, well, don’t get laid. But if you want to change something, drop the “I don’t like the odds” whine and go out and say hi to a cute girl. Converse about just about anything with her, except failed past relationships or your favorite horse-cheerleader-midget porn. Before you part ways (one of you takes the subway stop, has to go to class, or whatever), ask if you can call her sometime. Get her number, wait a couple of days, call her and fricking have a cup of coffee and another conversation that’s about something other than failed relationships and horse-cheerleader-midget porn, unless she’s very obviously into that.
Anyway, before you can do any of this–and I said this in another thread recently–you have to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, say “Damn! I’d hit that any day of the week.” and mean it. You can’t try to mean it, you just have to know you’re drop-dead sexy. The way other people see you is directly related to the way you see yourself. I’ve seen some of the same people in this thread bitch and moan in other threads about how life just can’t seem to magically drop a woman out of the sky who will put up with fawning idiocy and self-deprecating humor long enough to give them a lay. Quit whining and fuckin’ start liking yourselves.
It would behoove you to disillusion yourself of the traditional “men want sex, women grudgingly give it up” thinking pronto. First off, it’s definitely not going to get you laid, and secondly it’s totally untrue. Women have a wide variation of sex drives, but honestly, they love sex just as much as we do. I’ve dated women who were absolutely insatiable.
You completely ignored the other part of his post, which was that if you stop worrying about it so god damned much and start living for yourself, it’ll come naturally. That’s exactly what I did and it worked wonders.
She gets it from your fuckin’ reality, man. You’re so worried about yourself around women that you act totally unnatural. This is because you feel like you have to try extra hard to get women to notice you. This is because you subconsciously believe that women are an entirely different, mysterious people with strange wants and needs. The end result is you come off as totally fake or unemotional; if the former you get dropped like a bad habit, if the latter you get the just friends treatment.
Stop thinking so damned much and start living your life. You’ll start picking up signals without even knowing it.
There are a couple of considerations here, not the least of which are: the unwillingness to go where hundreds of men have gone before, and given the choice between paying the rent and eating food for a month or getting laid once - which one is not going to totally fuck up your situation?
In many cases, I’d say you have a point. Flowers on Valentine’s Day from a co-worker, however, is pretty clear, especially when he’s asking her out for the evening as well.
Running errands, on the other hand, has got to be the dumbest way to get together I have heard of. Not only is it not the least bit romantic to keep someone company while they drive all over creation, but it’s kind of an imposition. It definitely screams “just friends.”
All I’m saying is that, unless you SPECIFICALLY say otherwise, I’m going to assume your intentions are friendly. I have some wonderful male friends who an outsider would think have the hots for me because they bring me presents, flowers, etc regularly (including on Valentine’s Day). And yet, they are just friends and I would be mighty forward to assume that they meant something more.
I’ve tried that as well, not quite verbatim. I think it comes across as a little too detached and clinical.
Thanks for the backup, saoirse.
fetus, I mention one incident from my past and you’ve deduced my subconscious beliefs. Incorrectly. People really do jump to conclusions about this topic.
And the stop-trying-so-hard-and-it-will-just-happen refrain was right on schedule.
Irony, thou art DiosaBellissima. So, lads are supposed to parse out the intents and emotional states of women from vague allusions to interests, irritations, and desires, but the lasses are exempt from having to observe even the strongest of implied appeals? I’d have to say that Robot Arm’s extension of an invitation to lunch, with flowers, on said day of romantic celebration, and the subsequent invitation to see a play would be taken as an expression of amorous interest by even the most obtuse of Linux hackers, much less the population at large, to the extent that, in absence of any other familiarity with the female in question, I’m inclined to wonder if she wasn’t yanking Robot Arm’s power cord, particularly in light of the request for the third ticket. (I’m assuming that Arm was offering the show gratis; in any case, bringing a date along to an invitation with a new friend–oblivious to intentions or no–strikes me as being pretty callous. But I digress.)
In my personal and frankly fairly limited experience, being direct and blatant about your interest is practically a guarantee to squigg out the lady in question unless you are assured that the affection is mutual. From the painful adolescent experience of being forced to write a letter of apology to one interest (which the party in question latter displayed to all of her friends and eventually to the student body at large–good times for everyone except the geek, of course), to being asked to leave a restaurant for returning what I believed to be the attraction displayed to me by the server in question, I’ve found that bluntly stating interest is tantamount to being a creep and potential stalker. Heck, even with the last girlfriend I had, when I first attempted to display some affection–touching her hand at a movie–she didn’t want to go out with me after that for a few weeks, and thereafter we went out to movies and the like as “just friends” for several months before she displayed any romantic interest.
I’d like to have a girlfriend again, or at least the physical intimacy part of it (both the sex and the spooning), but I have at this point zero interest in going to through all the signal reading, inevitable miscommunication, frustration, the inevitable taking-of-offense-to-an-unintended-criticism, and whatnot that all of that entails; it’s much easier to treat the women out of the few acquaintances in my life as non-romantic, non-benefits friends and/or drinking pals and take care of laundry by myself. (Having done the quick zipless thing a couple times myself I have to agree with those who find little appeal in it; casual sex is about as exciting as as the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland.)
It’s just not worth the trouble. It’s especially not worth the trouble if the result is being shunned or avoided by women who’d I’d otherwise get some benefit from in terms of a non-romantic relationship. And while I can stand straight out rejection–something like, “Thank you, but I’m not interested in dating you,” or “I would, but my fiancee would object,” I could accept with grace and relatively little injury to my psyche–abject humiliation or being made unwelcome in one of my regular haunts for the crime of displaying a modicum of affection isn’t a winning proposition.
If I want to be scratched, scathed, and scarred, I’ll buy a cat.
Okay, this part I would change. I don’t understand how it became standard for a girl to give a guy her phone number. If you’re interested in me, give me your phone number and ask me to call you. If I’m interested in you, too, then I will. Personally, I don’t want to give me phone number to strangers, and I can’t believe the guys who just start talking to me while I’m waiting for the bus, say, and think there’s even a remote possibility that I might give them my number.
In today’s environment of fear – sex offenders lurking around every corner according to the local evening newscast, bad online dating stories all over the Internet, and Lifetime movies – you can’t do that without looking like a stalker or creep. I’ll repeat something I posted in the not-too-distant past. Saying “just go and say hi to somene that looks interesting to you” or mentioning ideal places to meet members of the opposite sex, such as church, coffee houses and the like, are standard cliches in “where can I meet women” threads on any message board. Reality is much, much different.
Bookstores? “I came here to buy Metro Girl, He’s Just Not Into You and the DaVinci Code, not to meet men!”
Churches and synagogues? “I came here to fulfill my spiritual needs, not to meet men!”
Grocery stores? “I came here to do my shopping, not to meet men!”
Coffee houses? “I came here to drink a grande iced half caf triple mocha latte macchiato and write bad poetry, not to meet men!”
Really, “just walk up to someone you like and say ‘hi!’” is usually not an option except in venues where most people are there intentionally to meet others. Even theere, finding prospective dates might not be on the agenda for women.
A hurdle for many single men that seems impossible to overcome is that while guys are usually open to meeting women while living their day-to-day lives, women aren’t as receptive. Even if they’re single, if they go grocery shopping or to a coffee house, then can, and usually do turn off their prowling instinct. Men can’t. Consider how women seldom make eye contact in public places; they seem to navigate the aisles of a department store or supermarket without even looking at where they’re going. Men can’t do that; we instinctively direct our eyes, even for a fraction of a second, towards any attractive women that might be in our viewshed.
Okay, Stranger has taken my line of reasoning a little farther than I would have liked. My point was not that all women are therefore inscrutable. My point is you got a weird one. It’s like eating a green potato chip: it happens now and then and it won’t kill you. In an encounter with any female who is not from Neptune, Diosa is pretty much correct. There is absolutely no reason to be ashamed of being interested in a woman. You should make it clear to her that this is the case.
Ok, so maybe the supermarket doesn’t work for you to pick up women. Never worked for me either. They only line I could think of was “Nice melons” That will get you escorted out the door. Trying to pick up waitressess never worked for me either, because I was a server, and to make tips you have to pretend to be interested in people and what they have to say. That also makes people think you like them. Hey, there could be something to that. Listen to what people have to say to you. Ask questions of people.
Try to meet people in places where you can spend some time chatting. Like in a classroom, or at a part time job. You can also meet people at sporting events. But as fetus suggested, you have to believe that you are sexually attractive. If not, why not, then fix it. Your friends, even your family if they think you are attractive. Then don’t be defensive, take the suggestions, and use them. It is not a great mystery. Getting laid is a challenge, but not impossible
That and the fact that waitresses get hit on all day long. It does kind of make me wonder what Stranger said to get him kicked out. It makes me kind of picture Marty Feldman in Silent Movie. On the other hand, I’m picturing your advice coming from John Banner, so you really can’t go by that.
I have never, ever, in the history of…well, my world, which may be a hideously distorted version of the objective universe-at-large, received a call back from a woman whom I proffered my number with any kind of romantic intent. Although I don’t place much credence in the typically bombastic advice of guy dating gurus (a la Hitch), I think the bit of advice that you should insist on obtaining the woman’s number appears to be spot on. Even in the case of one girl in college, who I was assured by several of her friends as expressing interest in me, to whom I gave a phone number AND general time when I’d be around, I never received a call.
In the archtypcial dating situation, the guy has to make the introduction, say something witty enough to catch the lady’s interest, extend the invitation, accept the likely possibility of rejection and, in more extreme cases, deliberate humilitation in a public place. Is it really asking too much for a woman, provided she is genuinely interested, to release a phone number, particularly when most people use cell phones which are not tied to an address and can easily screen or block calls?
Not that I’m nostalgic for the whitebread Pleasantville Fifties or anysuch, but it would be nice to have some kind of protocol where I could demonstrate interest without being taken for a complete creep. Brought flowers? What a jerk! Complements me on my dress? Sexual harassment! Asks for my phone number? What, is he stalking me?
Regarding the phone number stuff, regardless of who brings it up first I always ask to exchange numbers with the guy. If he demurs, I ask why. I’ve found that it helps to cut down on the number of insincere offers/requests.
You know, sometimes I wish I were a guy (or gay) just so I could use cheesy lines like that. I totally would, regardless of the chances of getting kicked out (or slapped). There simply aren’t enough cheesy pickup lines for women trying to hit on men.
Sorry I hit a sore spot. If I’m genuinely interested, of course I’ll give you my number. Most of the guys who’ve asked for it, though, barely bothered to introduce themselves first.
Well, the whole topic is something of a sore spot to me, obviously; it’s nothing you said in particular. But for years I tried to be the nice guy (note the lack of capitalization) and offer my number so as not to cause discomfort with regard to the Ohmygodishegoingtostalkmenow issue, only to find that this, above all else, pretty much guarantees that I’ll never hear from her again.
Oddly, I’ve never gotten the “You suck, loser” number that women are alleged to give out, and I’ve only once gotten a false number (could have just been a mistake, too, I suppose.) I’ve gotten the no calls returned treatment several times, but I figure after two unreturned calls they aren’t going to call back and drop the number into the trash. Even better is being stood up on a date (arranged via e-mail or dating site), not having a number to call, and not knowing whether it was a legitimate screw up or just a snub. After spending uncounted evenings (well, okay, only five) sitting in a restaurant and explaining to the waiter that I’m “still just waiting for someone,” it just became policy to have a number before proceding to any further plans.
I just have no patience, or frankly interest in the whole process. Besides, I can go see a movie whenever I want, including the 10:45p showing on a Tuesday night, without justifying myself to anyone. I can stay up until 1:30a reading a physics text without getting complaints. I can roast garlic, brew beer, and pop a pot of popcorn whenever I like without disturbing anyone. I don’t have to endure 45 minute phone calls of gossip about people I don’t know and don’t care about.
In the balance, the payoff for dating just isn’t all that great. Sex? Meh.
No, guys shouldn’t put up with that stupidity either. It’s all stupid. Perhaps my exes would disagree, but I always make a point of making myself clear. If I like you, I tell you. If I want to date you, I tell you. If I want my boyfriend to pull my hair and smack my ass during sex, I tell him.
Frankly, I don’t understand why people are so afraid to just SAY what they want. Are you afraid of getting rejected? (This goes for the guy who wants a date, the woman who wants flowers, or me wanting some kinky fetish played out )
Perhaps this is just me, but people pussy-footing around whatever they want is tremendously unsexy to me. I’ve actually had guys send their friends over to get my phone number and lemme tell ya, what the hell? Don’t drop hints, don’t try to be smooth, don’t just assume that I’ll get your silly, vague hints. If you want a date, SAY SO. I know that’s what I do.
And it should also be noted that I never said that men should tolerate women’s stupidity. In fact, I was comparing men expecting women to just “get it” to women expecting their male companions to just know what they want and then getting pissed when they don’t get it.
There simply aren’t enough cheesy pickup lines for women trying to hit on men.
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