Haven’t read the thread.
Fiancée changed her mind last January. We had sex a year ago Christmas. That was the last time. Before that…? When was Independence Day released? Six or eight months after that. 
Hey, you’ll find no argument here. Just saying that not all hookers are going to be exactly like the stereotype, or exactly like the ones you tend to see on street corners and such.
Yeah, it’s not like there’s some secret rule against saying you like someone, or like it will make someone not want to be with you. Some women actually want to go out, too.
Actually–and don’t get me wrong, I’ve got no grudge against you and I don’t dislike you–I’ve seen you mope before about how uncomfortable you feel trying to pick up women.
Yeah, I know it’s a cliche. Now I’m not a big fan of the school of thought that says that things which are universally believed are necessarily true, nor vice versa. But in this case, there’s a reason everyone keeps saying it. Is it a cop out? It can be. But I’m not trying to cop you out here. You seem to be genuinely struggling against yourself. I’m trying to tell you that instead of struggling against yourself, it might behoove you to develop a stronger sense of self-worth and a genuine happiness in enjoying your own company; because I guarantee you that on at least a subconscious level every straight woman and gay man can tell if you enjoy your own company, which will tip them off that they may very well enjoy your company too.
Now, do I know how strong your sense of self-worth is, or how much you enjoy your own company? No. I don’t know you nearly well enough. But from the recent patterns I’ve seen in your posts, the above is the best advice I can give you for a situation you seem to dislike. If you choose not to take it, that’s fine by me. If I’ve offended you, I apologize.
FWIW, at this point I’m convinced that the girl you asked out on Valentine’s Day had to be either dense or putting up some kind of wall not to figure out what you were asking her.
Like Stranger On A Train, I too royally screwed up my first attempt at romance in middle school, with the same elements of accused stalkerdom and schoolwide letter revelation. That was really, really bad. I didn’t develop a sense of confidence, chill out and start figuring out how to read signals until I was a senior in high school (my first kiss was in my last semester, at the age of 17). The first part of my process, in 9th grade, was to observe the world around me and make some connections about social signals etc. But the vast majority of the rest of my process was to stop freaking out about my failures, and enjoy my own self. Once I enjoyed myself, everyone around me really started enjoying my company; I was happier, funnier, and all around a more fun guy to be around. Lo and behold, I got dates, I got kissed, and I got laid.
Being told over and over again to “be yourself” etc. really didn’t do much for me on a conscious level. But eventually I figured it out on my own. Each person has to do that for themselves at some point, so I fear I may not be helping anyone that much by relating my stories and giving my advice. But it’s there, so do with it what you will.
Bolding mine. That’s really the key to it. You have to read the signs: some women will meet you and think “he’s kind of cute, I wouldn’t mind giving him a try”; some will think “I have absolutely no interest in spending more than five minutes of my life in the company of this guy”; some will think “I would leap at the chance to spend some time with this guy, I hope he asks me out”.
About two weeks after my first kiss (with a girl who was dating an acquaintance of mine–yeah, I was pretty scuzzy), I was staying over at a friend’s house with him and two other friends, including one girl we all knew but none very well. I’d smoked pot with her and the host once before and didn’t know much more than her name. When each of the three guests were choosing our beds, she picked hers and I said “I’ll take that one too”. She smiled and said “OK”. The four of us then proceeded to get stinking drunk, and everyone went to their respective beds, me and this girl to ours. We made some small talk, and then I said “I just had my first kiss two weeks ago. Would you like to be my second?” I got a lot of good making-out done that night, and it wasn’t too long before we started having sex on a regular basis.
I basically came right out and said–twice–that I would like to have intimate contact with her. She wanted intimate contact with me, too, so we had intimate contact. Remember that women are not some secret race of aliens with minds that work in incomprehensible ways; they’re human beings with desires just like ours. Would you be pretty wigged out if a girl you had no attraction to came up and said “I’ll share a bed with you tonight”? Yeah, you would. But what would you say (assuming you’re into that kind of ‘relationship’) if a girl you thought of as attractive and worth spending time with, came up to you and said that? You’d probably go for it. Women aren’t that different.
Waitressing and such things are dangerous situations for those looking for companionship, because those people are professionals who are paid to be nice to you and give you a warm, gentle smile–and even flirt with you a little, depending on the atmosphere of the restaurant (or airline, or coffee shop, or…). It’s easy to slip up and mistake professional kindness for sincere affection. I’ve considered asking someone out in that kind of situation, but I’ve never done it. When I was most recently single I envisioned myself asking out one of the students working at the cafeteria at my college by saying “Hi, I’d like a hamburger, French fries and your phone number.” But I didn’t find any of them interesting and/or attractive enough to be worth it, so I didn’t.
You have a point. At times I’ve asked for a number, and at other times I’ve offered mine. Really, most of the time I both give my number and take the girl’s. If I only did one, I can’t remember what reasons I would’ve had for doing one or the other, except that back when I was the drugs-and-alcohol-taking partier type I liked to have the girl put her number and name into my phone, and then myself write a short note in, so that later I was more likely to remember her name and which one she was. Again, I was scuzzy, but that’s what I did.
I almost never ask for a number unless I’ve had at least one interesting conversation with the girl, personally.
You can’t say hi to strangers? When I was single I did it all the time. That’s how I met most of my friends and other relationships. You just have to be warm and friendly about it, and pick the right people and times. One major key is to only do it in bright, crowded places with lots of people around, because she knows you’re not going to give her any lead unless you’re willing to share with the whole class. College campuses have great natural flirting spots: common rooms in dorm halls, cafeterias, and of course parties. (Granted, the latter falls under your “venues where most people are there intentionally to meet others.”)
You raise an important point. It helps if the woman in question has been darting you a “he’s kind of hot” glance or two. Again, that’s a lot more likely to happen on a college campus or similar place. Each individual situation must be read on its own merits.
This is a great point, and alludes to one of the best pieces of advice I ever got from my father: most people love to talk, and if you can usually raise yourself one letter grade by asking questions and genuinely being interested in what someone is about. Let them talk, and talk, and talk, and talk–they’ll do it without realizing it, and if you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say they’ll pick up on that, and pretty soon you’re in great shape. This also works great for job interviews, BTW.
This thread is so sad. Sex is pretty important to me and I have a hard time trying to imagine going so long without it. I’ve never had a problem getting any. Never. In fact, I still get it thrown at me all the time and I am very married. I’m not bragging, I just wonder what vibe some people give off that prevents them from getting any interest at all for so long while others are beating off the offers with a stick. I would definitely read such a social study.
I just got me some last night . I had a serious dick drought for about 3yrs. let me tell y’all somethin, I’m gonna make sure that shit nevva evva happens to me again, i’m getting laid from now on!!! Fuck ceilbacy. 
I don’t post about my personal life very often. (Okay, there was one a couple weeks ago, but even that time I was kidding.) Either you have a very good memory or you’re thinking of someone else.
As for the rest, it’s interesting advice. I’m still not sure it’s quite on target, but appreciated nonetheless.
Wasn’t he a sportscaster in the '70s?
I seem to remember there was a thread (may have been the ‘last kiss’ thread, but I don’t remember) where it eventually turned into a lot of people talking about how much they hated the fact that they weren’t getting laid etc., and I remember pretty clearly that you said a few things that got me to start thinking about your situation.
I’m almost positive it’s you because I remember thinking, “Robot Arm–what a cool Dopername. It’s a shame he’s having such trouble.”
No, really. I did think that.
I’m glad.
Yeah. Before that he was an NFL player. He came into the league as a Tight End, came out of the closet a couple of seasons in, and then retired as a Wide Receiver.
I didn’t mean it to be. I just wanted to know how many other people were sexless and perfectly happy, but it morphed first into “who’s been sexless for the longest?” and then into “why can’t I ever get a date?”.
It’d take a very long post to explain my lifelong (involuntary) celibacy but I’ll try to explain it as best I can in a nutshell.
Throughout my High School years, there were approximately two dozen girls that I tried to start a relationship with (I use the phrase “start a relationship” very loosely here though, which includes just getting their phone number or going out to get coffee). They seemed interesting so I talked with them. The bulk of them were unavailable because they were dating someone else, the rest were mysteriously “too busy” to hang out with me. A couple of them became friends but apparently weren’t attracted enough to me to actually date me.
To be fair, I had some partial success. When I was 17 and a Junior there was a Freshman girl that took an interest in me. Lasted two weeks. She told me her parents wouldn’t let her date so we just saw each other in school. Being sort of a noob when it comes to relationships, I asked her if she wanted to kiss. Said she wasn’t ready for that, then a couple days later broke up with me. Then kissed my best friend the next day. sigh I’d count her as a girlfriend purely because she self identified as such during those two weeks.
Senior year I won a draw for a free all expenses paid blind dinner date. The girl was a devout mormon and we weren’t exactly compatable, so nothing really came from it other than some decent looking photo ops that went in the yearbook.
A female friend that sat next to me in math class went to the prom with me. Of course, just as friends.
After that, I graduated. Did a brief stint at community college. Similar results.
Then when I was 20 years old (last year) I met up with someone on one of those dating sites. Kissed for for the first time. Closed mouth, no tounge. Still haven’t gotten to that point yet (I’m 21 now). Unfortunately, no relationship grew from that. No second date. Why? I didn’t call her again. She told me she was a meth user, I decided not to proceed any further.
So far I’ve had no luck meeting any females that were (1) single (2) interested in me (3) had no major issues that would preclude a healthy relationship (4) actually lived within a reasonable driving distance of where I live. Just hasn’t happened yet.
One thing that really puzzles me is this: if you’re desperate for sex/affection, women won’t want to get involved with you. To me, it seems unreasonable to chastise me for being desperate. It’s like being a cook, and being perfectly happy to cook for free for people who aren’t terribly hungry, but then you run into a starving person and then refuse to cook for them. For the record I try my best not to convey a sense of desperation but perhaps it shows through anyway. I’m not sure what I can do about that.
You’re trying not to show it. That’s the problem: it’s there. As I’ve said elsewhere in this thread, my prescription for you is to slowly replace your desparation with a strong sense of self within which the existence or non-existence of a significant other is irrelevant.
You can wear a smile on your face and fake being happy. But you can’t wear a smug look of self-satisfaction and fake being confident. People sense your level of comfort with yourself and with the world around you on a deeper level than the look you wear on your face and the sense you’re trying to convey. Desparation is like the world’s most persistent erection: nobody says anything about it, but everyone can see it, and there’s nothing you can do to hide it. People act sort of awkwardly polite and try to ignore it, then they maybe share a light giggle about it with someone else in the room, and leave the first chance they get.
Well, stop taking Desperation Viagra. Stop being desperate.
Those are probably the three least helpful words I can offer you, but that’s really all it is. Basically, it’s like this. Let’s go back to your cook analogy. Say you cooked a pie, a really fuckin’ good pie that nobody could refuse, for a house full of guests. If you put it on a silver platter, walked into the room with all the guests and said “Dessert is served; enjoy, there’s no way I would eat it”, how do you think they’d react? Nobody in the world knows that pie better than you do, and if you don’t like it that’s a huge red flag. Nobody’s ever going to put your pie in their mouth unless they know it’s at least good enough that you would eat it.
This shit isn’t easy, OK? It’s something you’ve got to feel out in the darkness on your own, because that’s what I had to do. It’s a tough process, but you’ll learn a lot about yourself along the way and when you reach the end of the tunnel I guarantee you’ll be happier for it.
By the way, it sounds like you’re starting to head that way.
I’ve got nothing to add other than that I thought that was a pretty damn good explanation.
I agree with most of what you wrote but not necessarily with that. I know plenty of people who can act confident when they really aren’t just because they’ve noticed this gets them where they need to be (not necessarily only in the love/sex department) and so they’ve learned to turn it on. I’m working on the trick myself. What you can do is tell yourself “if I were confident, how would I act?” and then try act that way. You’d be surprised how many people believe it’s real and sometimes it eventually becomes real.
For those who have trouble seeing the signals that others pick up, why not find out what those signals are? I read a few books earlier this year on human sexual biology, and I was surprised to learn that there are certain universal signals that humans use to indicate interest in the opposite sex, regardless of what culture they’re in, amounting to a sort of human mating dance. The books I read had only a few pages on this, but I’m sure there are books that are devoted to these sorts of signals. Knowing what you’re looking for might help you figure out if this or that guy/girl is interested. I’m much better at giving and receiving signals now that I’m concious of them.
I like that! 
That’s like telling a hungry person to not be hungry anymore but without giving them food. It’s the most counterintuitive suggestion I’ve ever heard. “Get confident, stupid!”
It’s a BS analogy. I do believe I’d be a perfectly good boyfriend. Honestly I do. I’d take a polygraph to prove it if I could. I think a better analogy would be that I cook a perfectly good pie, I tell everyone it’s really good, but they’ve either already eaten a bunch of pie and have no room for more, or they inexplicably don’t trust me enough to even try a nibble and find out how good the pie is. How am I supposed to feel about that? If you get that sort of treatment time and time again, even the most confident person in the world is going to be worn down by it.
I think the people who say “suck it up and be confident”, while well meaning, honestly don’t understand the plight of people who have been involuntarily celibate for long periods of time and have made unsucessful attempts at initiating relationships.
Brain scan shows rejection pain
So while confidence is key, I think it is wholly unreasonable to expect people to just generate confidence out of thin air. Confidence has to have some sort of foundation behind it. If a mouse keeps grabbing the electric cheese and he keeps getting zapped, after awhile the mouse doesn’t want to go for the cheese anymore no matter how badly he wants it.
Sad to say, sex isn’t like air, food, or water. Popular songs notwithstanding, it’s quite possible to live without it, especially when you keep striking out. You get tired of being rejected.
It sounds like you are becoming more confident. I think even if you aren’t, you’ve got a spark there, and people can see that. You want to like yourself, you’re putting in something of an effort.
shrug I included a disclaimer that my advice might not do you much good. But it’s what each person has to do at some point in their life.
You sound like you think nobody wants what you’re offering. In my book, that’s a vote of no confidence in yourself. YMMV.
You don’t think I understand?
I once weighed 200 pounds–all fat, no muscle–at under 6 feet tall and in the eighth grade I was accused of stalking a girl because I was so socially inept I didn’t have the faintest clue how to go about trying to date her. I asked at least 7 or 8 girls out the rest of that semester and was turned down every time, usually in humiliating fashion, at least twice in such a way that the entire school knew and couldn’t stop telling me about it. In high school I had at least one crush, usually two crushes, each year from freshman through junior year, and I fell hard for all of them; I was turned down each time, once in such a fashion that the entire school knew, rumors were flying, and a rift was torn wide open on the basketball team (of which I was a member) as a result. When I was a senior I started getting female attention for the first time, serious female attention, and I basically fumbled my chances away with two of the small handful of girls who I knew to have major attraction to me (I had basically had a makeover). I’m still in the process of becoming confident. So don’t say I don’t understand, because I do. Don’t say I expect a light switch to flick and everything to magically get better, because I don’t. I’m just trying to tell you what I can divine from the very little I know you, and what I personally think you’re going to have to feel out at some point in your life. Take it or line your parrot cage with it, I don’t care. But don’t walk away thinking I don’t understand what it’s like.
Wait… MDMA as an aphrodisiac?! Are we speaking of the same thing? MDMA is ecstacy, and contrary to popular myths it has no libido-enhancing effects.
Don’t know about the libido enhancing effects, because I’ve never taken it, but from my experience with women who are on it, it makes it easier for a woman to orgasm while on it. YMMV.