Personal Ads: Translations

What women say and what they mean:

Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate: Possessive
Artist: Unreliable
Athletic: Flat chested
Average Looking: Ugly
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
Educated: College dropout
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Employed: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera: Snob
Enjoys Nature: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty: Would frighten a Martian
Feminist: Ball buster
Financially Secure: One paycheck from the street
Free spirit: Substance user
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Good Listener: Borderline Autistic
Humorous: Caustic
Intuitive: Your opinion doesn’t count
In Transition: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker: Lush
Looks younger: If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel: If you’re paying
Loves Animals: Cat lady
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position
Open-minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud
Passionate: Loud
Petite: Can’t find her in a crowd
Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional: Bitch
Redhead: Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable: Frumpy
Romantic: Looks better by candle light
Self-employed: Jobless
Smart: Insipid
Special: Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual: Involved with a cult
Stable: Boring
Tall, thin: Anorexic
Tan: Wrinkled
Wants Soulmate: One step away from stalking
Writer: Pompous
Young at heart: Toothless crone

What Men say and what they mean:
Affectionate: Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist: Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average: looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking: Fat, grey, and bald.
Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed: On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure: I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to my every whim for the duration of your mortal life
Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking: Arrogant bastard
Honest: Pathological Liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO Slim, attractive: Would be better off with a labrador retriever
Light drinker: Headed for AA
Like to cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks: I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear
Mature: Until you get to know him
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested
Physically fit: I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself
Poet: Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Professional: Owns a white button down
Reliable: Shows up on time–give or take 3 hours
Self-employed: Same as for women and eats nachos all weekend
Sensitive: Needy
Smart: Thinks Cheers is “the wittiest show ever on TV”
Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful: Says “Please” when demanding a beer
Virile: Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out