Not sure how to type this, because I am pissed off enough to punch through a granite wall, but the chick I talked about in this thread is paragraph one is dead.
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=133488
her asshole boyfriend killed her. As anybody who reads the thread can tell I didn’t really know her, so I didn’t know until today when I happened back into that bar and somebody told meabout two months after it happened. But I knew something was wrong. I’m such a pathetic ballless loser I knew something was wrong but I let myself be talked into believing her that she could take care of it. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck, she’s fucking dead right now. I never cry and I’m bawling my heads off right now and puching walls and breking my hand cause II’m so fucking pissef off. For god sake wjhat5 the hell is wrong with people. is it that godddamn hard to admit you need some help. I have no problem with independant women but don;'t you realize there are a lot of fucked up people out there and sometimes you won’t be able to take care of itt and whne someone offerss theyare trying to help. fuck sake there are a bunch of people dying in a war today , and I had to find aout about you you having to die because you were to proud to even let in my offer to help, and I didn’t have the balls yto push the issue even though I knew I should. Fuck you for being to proud to take my help and fuck me for being to cowarly to not stop believing you. Fuck Fuck fuck!!!
I’m really sorry to hear that this ended so badly. There are some really complicated emotional and psycological issues tied up in abusive, damaging relationships. Sometimes one “stranger’s” goodwill and hope isn’t enough. It just kills me that this ever happens at all.
But at least you tried. You wanted to help. You’re a good person, and it doesn’t diminish you to have believed her when she said she’d be all right. Trying and failing doesn’t make you less of a worthy person.
Please, settle down before you seriously hurt yourself or do damage you regret to your things. Call someone if you need to or IM me–my handle’s in my profile.
Good luck.
I’m so sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. You tried to do something right! Unfortunately, sometimes we fail. If you’re anywhere near me, I’ll buy you a drink (not tequila!). Sometimes people believe anything that passes for love in the dark is better than no love at all. I know, because I came close to believing that myself.
You weren’t a coward. You, at least, spoke up. That does take courage and compassion. That she wasn’t ready to leave is not your burden.
Be well, friend,
CJ
Dude! I totally feel for you. I’ve been in a similar situation, and I know how it feels. I totally understand how you feel responsible, and miserable, and guilty. I admire your willingness to shoulder that burden. So few people accept any responsibility for anything, these days. But, it’s not your burden to carry. You’re a good man, and you did what you could. There was no way you could have known the seriousness of the situation. You’re not a coward. I’m sure that, if you had known, you would have done whatever it took to make it right. It’s hard to accept that some people can’t be helped, but it’s a fact. The lady either misjudged the situation or was in denial. There was nothing more you could have done. Grieve for your lost friend, but try not to blame yourself. It’s not your fault.
Wolfman, I feel so bad for you! I echo what others have said: it’s not your fault! You tried to do something, and she wouldn’t let you. If she wasn’t ready to be rid of this bozo, it wouldn’t have helped even if you had called the cops, because she never would have pressed charges. And it certainly wouldn’t have helped if you’d kicked his ass, because it would have made the scumbucket even more sure that she was sleeping with you, and it would have ended the same way.
My mother told me a lot of things that were just so much bullshit, but the one thing she told me that’s true, and that stuck was “any man who will hit you once will hit you again”. I was engaged at 19 to a man who was jealous and possessive, and I let him get away with it. One night, he came home drunk, spoiling for a fight, and I told him he’d have to go fight with someone else, cuz I was tired. He hit me in the face, and I dumped him then and there. Oh, he came back the next day, he was sorry, it would never happen again, yadda, yadda, yadda. I said “you’re right it won’t happen again, cuz you’re outta here.” And that’s the last I saw of him. But until all women believe that there’s no need to accept unacceptable behavior, this shit’s gonna keep happening!
Hang in there, the passage of time will help, although the memory will probably be with you forever.
Wolfman, right about now I’m sure you feel like the eight-year-old whose parents (whom he loves) told him to clean up the little pieces of scrap metal from the field next to the house they bought – not realizing that the “little pieces” were really protruding corners of buried anvils. You wanted to do the right thing, you tried, and you just plain couldn’t do enough to make a difference – and you feel useless and hurting inside.
I’ve been there; I know something of how it feels. And, though it’s irrational, you’ll always feel a sense of guilt for her death.
Take solace in the fact that you did what you could for her while she was alive, tried to help as best the situation let you, and that hindsight is always 20:20. None of us could have done better, and many would not have done as much as you did.
Obviously you’ll make yourself available to testify against the asshole who killed her. But that won’t be enough – just cold justice that won’t save her or bring her back.
Now what you can do is to get involved in the fight against domestic violence, and dedicate your efforts there to her memory. That way, you’ll save some other woman – one you don’t even know now – from the same fate. And you will get a measure of peace from that – knowing that you’re doing something useful to stop more such deaths, in her memory.
May a sense of God’s peace settle over you and help to heal your pain, and empower you to do what you need to do now.
Everyone has a right to live his or her own life as he or she choses. You respected that. She made poor choices. You are not responsible for that.
I know your pain, ** wolfman. ** I worked in a battered women’s shelter, and became very fond of the women who came to stay with us. Sometimes, I would find myself begging the women in tears not to return to their abusive men, to no avail, sometimes with tragic consequences. I still mourn for a few of these women.
Then, abuse hit my own family. One close relative was in an abusive relationship which escallated to the point where every day I expected to get a call informing me that she was dead. We begged and pleaded with her to leave, but no matter how bad things got, she refused to see. Thank God, it finally ended in a divorce. It could have ended with a gravestone.
You did all that you could. I know what it’s like. I berated myself for years, thinking that if I had only done something differently, or said something else, things might have turned out differently. But it’s not your fault, and you shouldn’t feel that it is, or that you “failed” in any way.
wolfman, you are not to blame. My deepest sympathies go with you. You did the right thing by trying to help her, and you’re not responsible for what happened.
Wolfman, you did not do ANYTHING wrong - in fact, you did everything right that you could! Please don’t blame this on yourself - women in abusive relationships have a strange attachment to their abusers. I’ve answered phones for my dad’s bail bonding company when women have called to bail out the MEN WHO WERE IN JAIL FOR BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM! These relationships are twisted, and it’s almost impossible to get a woman out of them. PLEASE understand this. You did a good thing. This was out of your control.
Ava
It’s not your fault. It’s her boyfriend’s fault. Stop blaming yourself, because you just can’t help everyone.
Thanks for your support and understanding. I didn’t mean to post and run,but it is something I am trying not to think about very much, because if I think about it I will get pissed off agian. It still sucks, and I don’t think I will visit this thread again, but I needed to get some screaming off my chest.