Pests in (and around) my house

I’m taking out a load of garbage when some woman comes striding forth from the house one over and across the alley and introduces herself. I don’t remember her name, already, but she wants me to “know” that there are squirrels in my garage roof. I do know that, but I just haven’t taken it up as a project. Mostly, the squirrels don’t bother me.

She continues with a long explanation of how she’s seen this squirrel and some other neighor has seen two of them, and etc., and apparently there’s an entire colony of the crinners what taken up residence in my garage, which have been the source of endless gossip and consternation to the people across the alley.

She continues with various recommendations to get rid of them, some of which are dangerous, inhumane, and illegal (smoking them out, which should never be done in any kind of structure), and then half-heartedly suggests there are no-kill traps, because she saw the expression on my face. As soon as I agree that the squirrel problem is worse than I imagined, and I’ll do something, she starts in on how she’s been talking to the neighbors about my retaining wall, and the weeds and trees that poke through the cracks. I live in a house on a hill with an alley that cuts along the side and there is a rather old cement wall holding the hill in place… I’ve noticed the weeds and volunteer trees and spent entire days battling them, and, in fact, at present there are no living things of any kind threatening the wall, but there are still cracks that were there when I moved in.

After several minutes of this, she asks me if I own the house… no doubt thinking I am part of the problem, a mere renter, since Quality of Neighborhood is a mathemetical thing these days, a ratio of home-owners to renters. I say that I do, and that I have owned my home for three years. I do not point out that I have a new roof, a new water heater, mow my lawn once a week, have painted the deck, killed all the weeds and volunteer trees alongside the house, and basically tried to keep my house presentable within my available time and funds. Because I know if I’ve lived there three years, and this is the first time she’s bothered to walk across the alley, and it’s only to bitch about the squirrels in my garage and the goddamned retaining wall which I’ve taken care of, she’s not interested. But it’s both a surprise and a shock that despite the measures I’ve taken to maintain and beautify my home, there are still neighbors clucking about behind my back about other problems that they imagine ruin the neighborhood.

I can even understand being worried about property falling apart on the same block, but it’s very annoying that they haven’t bothered with me for years, and give me no credit for the improvements on my home. “I notice you’ve got a new roof, and repainted the deck, and I even notice that you cleared the vegetation in the cracks of the retaining wall, great work, looks good, no about those squirrels…” However, this is just goddamned unneighborly and bothersome.

Well, I have a no-kill trap and you can guess where I’ll release the first squirrel I catch…

Obviously this thread generates a lot of controversy.

Anyway, let it be learned that squirrels will not quickly abandon their homes, and are able to scream.

Beyond screaming, they have become organized. The ATRU or American Tree Rat Union represents the oppressed tree rat everywhere. :wink:

I wish you luck with the eradication of pests within and outside of your home, skutir. Those within are likely to prove less of a problem, I fear.

Tree rats. I like that.
I have a neighbor who keeps her lawn mowed to within an inch of its poor, long-suffering life. Not a weed on it. She looks on me with rather extreme disapproval, even though my lawn, in a more normal neighborhood, would be a thing of beauty. It very occasionally has a dandelion on it. Very occasionally. Not that you’d know that from my neighbor.
People like these (my neighbor and your neighbor) are past, present or future ax murderers. Best to give them a wide berth.

skutir, if your neighborhood scold thinks a few squirrels are pests, she should try living in my area. We have squirrels, rabbits, coyotes (which eat squirrels and rabbits), snakes (ditto on the diet–theirs is definitely not a no-kill policy), possoms, skunks, the occasional mountain lion, plus rats and mice (the only two critters I actually regard as pests). Add to that the fact that leash laws are generally ignored in these parts, so we have curs running in packs. Unfortunately, said beasties are almost the only “wild life” one can find in the high desert. But my neighbors don’t complain about a damned thing. We pretty much live and let live up here, a policy your nosy neighbor across the alley should adopt. Next time she hassles you about this, just tell her to fuck off. What do you care if she thinks you’re a foul-mouthed jerk. You don’t like her anyway.

The problem with squirrels is that they love to eat telephone wires. I think they also like to munch on power lines, but I’m not sure. I know that I’ve had to have several phone lines replaced because of squirrel damage.

Squirrels are really cute, but they are no longer welcome around the Bodoni home, except by the Bodoni dogs, who view squirrels as entertainment AND tasty snacks.

The solution is to go Willard on your neighbor’s ass. Befriend the squirrels with treats and tame them. Then unleash a bushy tailed feeding frenzy upon your enemies.