Peyton Manning Myths

I just saw a thread with this title on a football board. Sadly when I looked it was some boring blah blah blah about good QBs and should they get credit for wins and blah blah, and the guy who plays for the professional team that it based near where you live is not quite as good a player as the guy who plays for the team based near where I live blah blah blah.

Not at all what I was hoping for when I saw the title. So I promised myself that l’d start the thread that is what I was hoping for.

So now it’s up to the SDMB: Get inspired by Chuck Norris and the internet and give your Peyton Manning Myths/Facts here!

I’ll start:

[li]Peyton Manning cuts the crusts off of Wonderbread because they’re “too spicy”.[/li]

[li]Peyton Manning’s discarded shoelace once passed for 226 yards in a high school football game. [/li][li]Peyton Manning celebrates after a big win by adding mayonnaise and american cheese to his post-game bologna sandwich. [/li][li]Peyton Manning finds reading defenses so easy, he’s learning to do it in Braille.[/li][/ul]

Payton Manning doesn’t wear condoms because there is no protection from him.

His calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd because no defense fools Payton Manning.

Manning’s throwing arm undergoes yearly checks from UN Weapons Inspectors.

It’s impossible for Manning to hit the broad side of a barn. When he rifles it in there, the whole thing falls down out of fear.

The Chinese had no way to stop Manning going deep on them, so they built a wall to jam his wideouts at the line.

Peyton Manning is too smart to spit into the wind, but he tugged on Superman’s cape AND pulled the mask off that old Lone Ranger. I wouldn’t mess with him.

Peyton was fishing with Archie and Eli. They ran low on beer, so Peyton walked across the lake to get more.

Peyton Manning does all of those endorsements for free, because he’s just a good guy.

Peyton Manning would have 10 Untainted Super Bowl rings if the Patriots weren’t such cheating cheaters

The US Department of Homeland Security implemented a new level of terrorist threat.

In order of severity:

Green - Low risk
Blue - General risk
Yellow - Significant risk
Orange - High risk
Red - Severe risk
Peyton Manning - We are royally and irreversibly fucked risk

Bill Belichick passes on 4th and short rather than punt the ball to Manning. Oh, wait… :wink:

The monkey that was removed from Peyton Manning’s back when he won the Superbowl was the third largest silverback gorilla specimen ever weighed.

Peyton Manning has never read the Indianapolis Colts’ playbook. He mutters pass routes in his sleep and Tom Moore scrawls them into notebooks for the rest of the offense to study.

The NFL Quarterback Challenge was discontinued in 2007 because fucking Peyton Manning!

The EA Sports Madden NFL video game franchise was nearly abandoned in 2002 because programmers could not figure a way to fit Peyton Manning into a 99-point scale.

Peyton Manning owns a Mastercard.

Good so far, but remember, he’s not just a good quarterback, he’s also perhaps the whitest, blandest person on the planet. Other star quarterbacks impregnate movie stars out of wedlock, toy with the emotions (and weight) of popstars, go to prison for dogfighting, crash their motorcycle or wear pantyhose, drink with abandon and sexually harass sideline reporters. Or at least, failing that, have rags-to-riches stories of working in a supermarket for a while before getting a break and becoming a top-ranked QB again.

Peyton just… has a brother.

So, guys I want to see some stepping up on that end of the legend that is Peyton Manning:

[li]Peyton Manning regularly writes letters to Indianapolis newspapers complaining about Elvis Presley’s so-called music and its destructive effects on American Youth. [/li][li]Peyton Manning danced. Once. (for twenty minutes, in the Maria… Oh, no wait, never mind). [/li][li]Peyton Manning’s idol would be Johnny Unitas, except that Peyton considers him a little too crazy and out of control, personality-wise. [/li][li]The Colts had a play called “23 screw right”, but had to change the name because Peyton Manning was too embarrassed to say it out loud.[/li][/ul]

Peyton Manning doesn’t look off the safety with his eyes. He telekinetically moves the safety away from his receiver.

Peyton Manning doesn’t make adjustments during halftime - he calls his Mom to tell her when he’ll be home.

When he’s not calling signals or doing TV, Peyton Manning speaks like the male protagonist in a Jane Austen novel.

and rape horse-faced Vegas hotel employees…

Peyton Manning, while still at Tennessee, almost beat the University of Florida one year.

Peyton Manning is so bland he’s allowed to endorse both Miracle Whip and Hellman’s Mayonnaise simultaneously.

(I believe this line was originally said about someone else in a book by baseball player Jay Johnstone, but it seems to fit the “blandness” meme you want)

After winning the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning went out and painted the town beige.

An actual rumor I heard once was that Peyton Manning’s wife packs his suitcase for every trip, and puts notes on each piece of clothing to show him what shirt and tie to wear with what suit, otherwise he’d be horribly mismatched.

Mike Golic just admitted that same thing yesterday morning.

I can totally see that with Golic.

I just sent this thread to my husband, who loves stuff like this, and we’ve been bouncing some back and forth in IMs. Here are the gems.

Bill Belichick passes on 4th and short from his own 28 rather than punt the ball to Manning.

Peyton Manning returned to the University of Tennesee for his senior year to send his team to another Citrus Bowl.

Peyton Manning decided that the Heisman Trophy should go to a defensive player instead of him.

Peyton Manning’s wife packs Mike Golic’s suitcase for him? I thin Peyton may want to have a few words with Mike…


Miss post 6, didja?