And yes, before you ask, I did indeed rip that off from Bloom County. Philip Rivers makes me do things like that.
Seriously the guy just…bugs me. So much so that I’m renaming that queasy icky stomach feeling I get when I hear or see something disgusting ‘Philip Rivers’. Example: “oh, did you see that guy on TV who ate those cockroaches? Dude, that made me so Philip Rivers”. I hate his cocky attitude. I hate the smug, infuriating ‘I want to squeeze your turkey neck in a vice grip until the douche juice that courses through your every capillary splatters about the room’ look on his face every time he makes an otherwise unimpressive play. I hate that he has sportswriters licking his bunghole like it’s a tootsie pop (how many to get to the center, I wonder…) even though he’s still a very average, overrated athlete on an even average-er, overrated-er team.
I hate the fact that he makes me hate him so much.
Thing is, I don’t really know him. We’ve never shared a meal, had a conversation, or skipped merrily together through a grassy meadow. I’ve seen a few post-game interviews with him and, though he does indeed have a very douchbagish quality about him, he doesn’t seem to justify my extreme level of disdain.
So, if for no other reason than to partially alleviate my unwanted burden of Rivers-loathing, here is a list of activities that, though I’ve no proof, I’ve decided to assume that based on his perceived doucheosity, he likely does on a regular basis.
Philip Rivers feeds chocolate to dogs
Philip Rivers installed strobe lights in an epilepsy ward
Philip Rivers poops in public urinals
Philip Rivers makes me steal ideas from South Park
Philip Rivers exposes himself to elderly people
Philip Rivers loudly crinkles candy wrappers and yells advice to people in movies
Philip Rivers randomly changes lanes without signaling
Philip Rivers drives over puddles in the gutter to soak schoolchildren in muddy water
Philip Rivers farts in crowded elevators
Philip Rivers eats the last pop tart and then puts the box back in the cabinet
Philip Rivers addresses people with the term “boss”, or “guy”
Philip Rivers is somehow responsible for the movie “Soul Plane”
Philip Rivers yells “get a room” at every couple he sees and then smiles at himself for his comedic brilliance
Philip Rivers is the infuriating automated voice I get when I try to call any type of customer service number
So who do you hate, and what could they likely be doing that would justify it? It’s Philip Rivers, isn’t it? C’mon admit it…