Philip Rivers, with both malice and forethought, squashes snails with ecstasy

The BBQ Pit
#1

And yes, before you ask, I did indeed rip that off from Bloom County. Philip Rivers makes me do things like that.

Seriously the guy just…bugs me. So much so that I’m renaming that queasy icky stomach feeling I get when I hear or see something disgusting ‘Philip Rivers’. Example: “oh, did you see that guy on TV who ate those cockroaches? Dude, that made me so Philip Rivers”. I hate his cocky attitude. I hate the smug, infuriating ‘I want to squeeze your turkey neck in a vice grip until the douche juice that courses through your every capillary splatters about the room’ look on his face every time he makes an otherwise unimpressive play. I hate that he has sportswriters licking his bunghole like it’s a tootsie pop (how many to get to the center, I wonder…) even though he’s still a very average, overrated athlete on an even average-er, overrated-er team.

I hate the fact that he makes me hate him so much.

Thing is, I don’t really know him. We’ve never shared a meal, had a conversation, or skipped merrily together through a grassy meadow. I’ve seen a few post-game interviews with him and, though he does indeed have a very douchbagish quality about him, he doesn’t seem to justify my extreme level of disdain.

So, if for no other reason than to partially alleviate my unwanted burden of Rivers-loathing, here is a list of activities that, though I’ve no proof, I’ve decided to assume that based on his perceived doucheosity, he likely does on a regular basis.

Philip Rivers feeds chocolate to dogs

Philip Rivers installed strobe lights in an epilepsy ward

Philip Rivers poops in public urinals

Philip Rivers makes me steal ideas from South Park

Philip Rivers exposes himself to elderly people

Philip Rivers loudly crinkles candy wrappers and yells advice to people in movies

Philip Rivers randomly changes lanes without signaling

Philip Rivers drives over puddles in the gutter to soak schoolchildren in muddy water

Philip Rivers farts in crowded elevators

Philip Rivers eats the last pop tart and then puts the box back in the cabinet

Philip Rivers addresses people with the term “boss”, or “guy”

Philip Rivers is somehow responsible for the movie “Soul Plane”

Philip Rivers yells “get a room” at every couple he sees and then smiles at himself for his comedic brilliance

Philip Rivers is the infuriating automated voice I get when I try to call any type of customer service number

So who do you hate, and what could they likely be doing that would justify it? It’s Philip Rivers, isn’t it? C’mon admit it… :smiley:

#2

Philip Rivers is a completely unknown entity to me.

#3

I figured from the OP he had to be some kind of sports figure - but I hadn’t heard the name, that I can recall, until I read the OP.

Here’s his Wikipedia entry, and I have to admit - there’s some kind of hagiography going on when the interesting facts says that in his whole NFL career he’s never thrown more than 2 interceptions per game. :eek: Don’t most QBs get pulled after throwing a second interception in one game? And ISTM that many QBs will get pulled after just one.

The OP may well be on to something, after all.

#4

No, most QBs do not get pulled after throwing two picks in one game. Maybe in college on a QB-sharing team, but in the vast majority of cases no one gets pulled from a game for throwing two interceptions. Further, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a QB getting pulled after throwing a single pick. Again, maybe in some kind of situation with a second QB who is about to get the reins anyway.

As to the OP, my fantasy opponent this week played Rivers, so I was quite happy with his performance. But he is a dickbag shittastic QB who happens to get lucky every once in a while because his teammates outshine him, but can’t be counted on to win the games when it matters.

#5

He’s second in the NFL in quarterback rating, and nobody is talking about him at all as far as I can tell. You must be in San Diego, because in the rest of the country he’s not getting any attention at all, which is a shame.

#6

Phillip Rivers?

Really?!?

#7

Who doesn’t? :smiley:

#8

Man, he must have a pretty major stash, if he’s using Ecstasy to squash snails.

#9

Dude, it’s totally better that way. You mush the E in, then cook up the snails and go nuts. Totally enhances the raving experience. Just ask Mangetout!

#10

S’okay. James Harrison, with both malice and forethought, squashes Philip Rivers with ecstasy.

#11

At least he isn’t Ryan Leaf.

#12

Could you imagine if the NFL did work that way, though? Brett Favre wouldn’t even have a career!

#13

Heh. Well put, good sir. Well put. :slight_smile:

#14

Damn it, I’m too slow! I was going to say Favre gets taken out in the first quarter of every game if that were the case.

#15

And yeah, though it won’t get you necessarily benched in the NFL, two picks in a game is generally looked upon as a very negative stat. How telling is it that the most interesting fact anyone could dig up on him was that he’s never tremendously fucked up more than *twice *in any single game of his career?

What a douche. Philip Rivers wipes his boogers on random car door handles.

#16

Oh he’s constantly hailed as the 2nd (or first, depending on your religous views) coming of Jesus. He’s benefited from a tremendous offensive line in the past, not to mention a running back that most defenses focus on, to the exclusion of all else. And I don’t think he’s a *terrible * quarterback necessarily, just an incredible douche who is not deserving of all the accolades he gets.

Philip Rivers carries pictures of himself in his wallet which he forcibly shows off at every available opportunity.

#17

This bears repeating.

#18

It’s “malice aforethought.”

Also, who the hell is Philip Rivers?

#19

Thread over, blondebear wins.

#20

I think Eli Manning is much worse. Remember, he’s the reason why you have Philip Rivers in the first place.