Having opposite-sex guests is fine. Lewd text messages seem beyond the pale.
What were the text messages and how did your wife respond?
It depends on the reasoning behind the request. I would refrain from eating blueberries in the house if the smell gave my husband a headache: I wouldn’t refrain from eating meat just because the idea of it bothered him.
My GF would see this as not trusting her to take care of herself, something she’s quite capable of, thank you very much. I’m not going to misunderstand; she’s not going to misunderstand; neither of us can control what third parties misunderstand.
I understand that you might not feel that way, but not all relationships are like yours. I respect whatever arrangements you and your SO have; they work for you and that’s great. But it’s nothing I would want for my relationships, and it would be a deal breaker for me. I’m still very good friends with my ex-GF, we do stuff together all the time, just the two of us, and neither my GF or her BF have a problem with that.
So does this apply to anything? If your spouse tells you that it upsets him/her that you eat meat, will you stop? What about watching a particular television show? Posting on the Straight Dope? Cutting your hair a certain way? Or is there some expectation that a spouse - who presumably loves you and wants you to be happy - will demand that you sacrifice enjoyment or convenience only when the need is reasonable?
What I, and others, are saying, is that to us, the requirement that your spouse never spend alone time with a member of their preferred sex does not pass this test. It is not reasonable.
I can totally see myself in your wife’s position. Here’s how I’d be thinking it:
“Yay! It’s awesome to be back in town, and to reconnect with my old friends!”
“Oh, cool! Bob’s here, I’ve talked to him on the phone a lot but we’ve never met in person, that’s nice to finally meet him.”
“Sure, here’s my phone number. We already know each other casually, maybe we can be actual friends now that I’m local.” NOTE: Absent other data, I would not consider the option that he was hitting on me. He knows I’m married, why would he hit on me?
“Oh! A call from Bob! Sure, I’m not doing anything. Oh, come over and see the new house? Sure, not a problem. Come on down.” (Thinking: Oh wow, he does actually want to be outside-of-work friends, this is awesome!)
And so on from there.
Well, simply IMO, “the bad thing” is trying to control what the spouse does in their free time and with whom, and the upset spouse in question would be me, if Mr. Horseshoe got such a notion into his head.
He won’t, which is one reason I love him. I wouldn’t have any problem with him going over to one of his female friends’ or co-workers’ homes and he has, in fact, done so.
Nicely said. Every couple’s going to have different boundaries concerning all kinds of different behavior. The important thing is reaching agreement on the boundaries, not necessarily where they’re set. And reaching that agreement usually requires compromise, and careful selection of when you’re willing to do so. So the only possible answer to the OP is a big huge IT DEPENDS. It’s not necessarily bad to compromise on something for your spouse’s comfort, but you’ve got to work out to what degree you’re willing to do that - preferably before you get married! IMHO this is why personal maturity is so important to relationships. You have to know yourself pretty well in order to know what you’re going to be able to live with.
(For the record I’ve been married three years, and yes, my husband and I do have a few limits on who we see and when and how. It mostly involves safety and making sure we have enough time for just the two of us, not jealousy, but we have negotiated such situations in the past and will again if necessary.)
Because “the guy” might (and indeed did!) turn out to be a slimeball. Notice that I have never discouraged spouses having friends of the opposite sex. Nor did I ever mention fear of rape. I’d just hope that my wife and I could recognize and avoid potentially awkward, if not completely dangerous, situations.
I have friends who are women, my wife has friends who are men, and believe it or not, we have mutual friends of both genders. These people are free to visit our home whenever, regardless of which one of us is there. “The guy” in the OP is not described as a friend. I would not ask for the phone number of and then request to visit the home of a woman I barely know.
Yes, never would be extreme and unreasonable. But that’s not what’s going on here. She invited a stranger to their house alone without talking to him first.
Obviously it upset the OP. I feel the same way he does. A good partner in a relationship will evaluate their actions and take into consideration how it will affect the other person. If you have a relationship where neither person cares who gets invited over, no problem. But if one partner cares, the other person should take that into consideration and make reasonable changes. He’s not saying she can never talk to men. He’s saying he’s uncomfortable when she invites a strange man over to their house alone. So instead of having him come over right away, why not invite him over for dinner where all three of them can be together? That way she can still show this guy the house and the husband can feel comfortable.
I don’t understand the people who have the attitude of “I can invite anyone I want over at any time I want regardless of how my partner feels.” Why wouldn’t you take your partner’s feelings into consideration and come up with a compromise which makes you all happy?
I’d probably respond much like Maggie. And while I appreciate the oh-my-God-what-IFs that may come into play, I would not like my partner treating me like I am incapable of handling myself or an aquaintance I’d known for several years. So he may have made an actual pass at her–it sounds to me like she would’ve handled it just fine…which is a good thing to know about your spouse.
I’m divorced, but when I was married this would not even have caused my husband a second thought. Boundaries are for individuals to set for themselves, not for partners to set for one another. That being said, of course, whatever works for each couple, as long as it’s fair and equitable. But I can’t imagine having to answer to anyone about someone dropping by.
Jeez. My Schwan man stays for more than 20 minutes sometimes.
Ultimately, I don’t have this problem - neither my wife nor I have any problem with the other being alone with a person of the preferred sex under any circumstances, so the conflict never arises.
But it just seems to me like that last paragraph of yours could easily be reworded:
I don’t understand the people who have the attitude of “My partner cannot have someone over if I’m not there regardless of how my partner feels.” Why wouldn’t you take your partners feelings into consideration and come up with a solution that makes you all happy?
Or, to use wording used elsewhere in the thread, is your own jealousy and insecurity really more important to you than your spouse?
I’d say boundaries are for a couple to work out together, since the relationship is a blending of two people.
Yes, I would certainly consider it. In fact, I do not post using my husband’s actual SD moniker because he has told me he is uncomfortable with that. If he asked me to stop entirely posting because he was uncomfortable with it, I would certainly consider doing so. When I was pregnant it upset me to smell meat, and so we didn’t have meat (or my husband would go off himself and cook/eat it).
Sometimes needs are real though not reasonable.
Though we are also fairly level-headed people and can have a rational discussion about being unreasonable about certain things. He accepts that I have what he feels is a completely unreasonable need for having the toilet seat down. I accept that he has what seems to me a slightly unreasonable need to hide our relationship on the Dope (well, okay, I understand his request for privacy, since he mostly posts in unemotional topics and doesn’t want to be associated with the touchy-feeliness of IMHO 
but still, it’s not reasoning that I would ever use).
That’s interesting, raspberry hunter, and the phrase “sometimes needs are real though not reasonable” is a fair one. But if at some point the unreasonable but real need becomes especially burdensome or unrealistic, at what point should the person with the need take some responsibility for their requirements?
Let me put it a different way:
If my wife tells me she needs me to do or not do something, I will do or not do that thing, as her need requires. Every time, without question. And I know the same applies in reverse.
And it is precisely for this reason that both of us consider very carefully what demands we make, and why we are making them.
Married people - anyone in a relationship - should indeed be very thoughtful about the way they handle the requests made by their partner. But they should be equally thoughtful about the requests they make.
My argument here is that in the case of the OP, it is not a reasonable request to make - regardless of whether or not the OP’s wife chooses to accommodate it.
Does that make any sense?
Sure, as long as they agree and the “rules” apply to both of them equally (and I’m not implying that the OP wouldn’t agree to a “neither of us can do this” type rule). I just chafe a little at the idea of someone else determining my boundaries. I may be using the term “boundaries” differently in my head than some posters are, as I have an SO who has definite boundary issues which I am always having to confront.
It sounds like perhaps this situation hasn’t come up in their relationship yet, and having not discussed it, their expectations of how it might be handled didn’t match up. It’s really a pretty benign opportunity for them to figure out what their game plan is in the future.
I think filmore was saying that he (she?) doesn’t understand the ‘I MUST have it MY WAY regardless of how my partner feels’ attitude. He’s suggesting compromise and consideration by all is a good thing, even on this topic.
It sounds like to you (and many others) a spouse who wants to put limits on who you see and when and how is a dealbreaker. I’m curious how far that extends. When I’m selling stuff on Craigslist, my husband doesn’t want strangers coming to our house when I’m alone because he thinks it’s dangerous. I don’t think it’s quite that dangerous, but I’m willing to go along with his request. If I were determined to stand my ground on that point, we’d have some long and difficult negotiations (aka arguments) about it. Would that be a dealbreaker for you?
Edit on seeing** papergirl**'s post: Ouch, I’d be careful about boundaries too if I were in your shoes. However I’d argue that if they’re agreeing on rules and applying them equally, then it’s not a case of ‘someone else determining my boundaries’. I entirely agree with your second paragraph, the OP sounds like mismatched expectations and a good opportunity to hash them out for the future.
I don’t see it as a problem because there are so many other reasonable compromises that can be made. I’m not saying she can never see men. I’m saying I’m uncomfortable with one specific situation. I’m uncomfortable when she invites strange men over to the house alone. So let’s find other solutions. Let’s all meet for lunch instead. Or have him come over for dinner. There are many other ways for her goal to be accomplished without making me feel uncomfortable.
I don’t see it as controlling or unreasonable. I’m not preventing her from her goal of catching up with someone or showing them the house. I’m just saying that I’d be more comfortable if it was done in a different way.
It would be a dealbreaker if it was: “you will not have strangers over to the house when I am not there”. You see, in real life, that’s just not really dangerous, statistically.
Of course, we can find ways around that, like ringing half way through if he was worried. But letting his irrational fears dictate my life? No thanks.
I think part of it too is the implications involved in a given request. For example, my husband loathes the smell of sardines. Thus, I warn him if I’m going to be eating them, try to eradicate the smell from the kitchen, don’t eat them in his vicinity, and brush my teeth afterward. I’m perfectly okay with that because it’s nothing personal, he just hates sardines.
Him asking me not to be alone with a guy friend would seem to imply that he either thinks I’m too stupid to pay any attention to my safety or too untrustworthy to hang out with another man without cheating. Both of those implications are offensive to me, which changes the likelihood that I’d be willing to honor his request.
How does she see it? Because red flags would go up for me if my SO insisted he wasn’t being controlling or unreasonable, followed by a request that I felt was controlling or unreasonable. Controlling people almost never feel they are controlling, y’know? Maybe you aren’t being unreasonable, but it may be difficult to accomodate both of your needs if either of you stays on the far end of the reaction spectrum.
Please understand that I’m not judging you or that I’ve decided you’re being controlling etc. I don’t really know the circumstances of your relationship or how good the two of you are at compomising. I’m only telling you how I might respond. FWIW, my SO would absolutely agree with your point of view. Which is one reason we won’t ever live together.
Good luck. It sounds like you two are honest and able to communicate, which is a huge help in solving these pesky issues.