Let me ask you this: If a co-worker of your wife’s, who you’ve never met, wanted to come to your house just to hang out while you were away, would you not be a little uncomfortable with that? Is it wrong to express that feeling to your wife and hope that has some influence in her decision as to whether or not to go through with it? I don’t see a problem with that. I believe it’s completely natural to have suspicion as to what the other man’s motives are in such cases.
To me, it’s not a matter of how much you trust your wife. Even if you knew, with 100% certainty, that there would never be any sort of intimacy of any kind between the other man and your wife, but the other man was attracted to and wanted to do your wife at any opportunity, maybe you would feel a little disrespected by him and would let your wife know about it and would probably ask her not to hang out with him. That’s really all I’m saying.
The key difference, to me, is whether or not this co-worker wants to come over because I’m away, or if I just happen to be away - having my own life, job, hobbies, etc.
Well, the OP wasn’t having this conversation with her ahead of time and then she went ahead and disregarded him - this was all after the fact. So he was not, in fact, trying to “influence her decision” in any way.
I’ve gotten a few comments on the above statement so I’d like to clarify. I admit the statement sounds pig-headed as read. Of course there are a lot of legitimate reasons someone would want to spend time with my wife. All I’m saying is, that in the back of my mind, I would have suspicions of the man’s intentions if he wanted to be with her without me around.
In the situation as described by the OP, my first thought would be, rightly or wrongly, that this man wants to sleep her. I’d be a little suspicious. Probably not to the point where I would ask her to not hang out with him, but I admit, it would be on my mind… and I would let her know.
Just out of curiosity, do you draw a distinction between someone who happens to find your wife attractive (and perhaps even wants to spend time around her for that reason) versus someone who, as you put it earlier in the thread, has the “primary goal” of trying to have sex with your wife despite her marital status?
Not uncomfortable in the least. It happens from time to time, I’ve never given it a second thought. She had and has plenty of male friends and acquaintances, before we were together. I’m not exactly sure how being in a relationship with me changes that.
Seriously?
If he’s thinking these thoughts but does absolutely nothing to act on them or let anyone know, I can’t see how it would impact the situation. How is anyone to know? I wouldn’t assume that all men thinks this way, I certainly don’t.
If he is thinking these thoughts and gives hints, I am sure my GF would identify the issue and not hang out with him. She’s bright and perceptive and able to take care of herself. If she asked me about it I’d give my advice based on what she told me about his behavior. If it sounded sleazy to me I’d let her know.
He’s wouldn’t be disrespecting me - he’d be disrespecting her.
I’m not sure. I mean, obviously there is a distinction; you made one. Either way, if my wife were wanting to spend time around someone who only wants to spend time around her for her looks, I would probably have a problem with that.
It is disrespectful of your marriage, which both of you are in, so it’s disrespectful to both of you for sure. Unless your marriage is known to be open or something.
I’m still on the fence after reading these 3 pages…I have some questions for VoluntaryFireman’s Wife:
Were the lewd texts generally lewd in nature, or directed towards you?
After seeing these texts, do you have a different viewpoint of your friend because of these texts?
If your viewpoint of the friend has changed, and if he asks to come by your house again, what would your answer be this time around?
If the situation was reversed, (a female friend of your husband’s visiting your husband with your dad in the house and she gives him some lewd texts after leaving), would you feel that any boundaries have been crossed?
To me, it’s what’s been learned since the incident that would be more informative, rather than what had happened…to me, that is the real heart of the matter.
All of this is just bizarre. I think it’s pretty clear he came on to her, and she was disgusted and told her husband. I can’t imagine she’d be eager to hang out with him again.
Maybe we’re just old fashioned, but I don’t think either my boyfriend or I would be comfortable with having ONE friend of a different gender over to visit without the other person there. Unless that friend is someone one of us has known for a long time, and the other has met at least once.
I don’t think that means we’re co-dependent or clingy or whatever. Sometimes he goes out drinking without me, or I go clubbing without him, and it’s fine.
I certainly would be upset about the situation, but I don’t see it as much of a disrespect to me. In the example the man has never met me and doesn’t know me, I don’t see it as being about me. If it was someone I knew it would be a different situation.
I think it’s perfectly possible to disrespect someone you don’t know. If this person knows of your existence and proceeds to try to disrupt your marriage, you are – in my opinion – being disrespected.
Picked this one simply because it puts it so concisely.
Those of you who’d feel uncomfortable if your wife invites a man that you don’t know over to the house when you’re not there, does it apply to any and all men? Deliverymen? The plumber? Or does it apply only to men she’s met elsewhere (that is, the plumber would not bother you if she’s picked him out of the yellow pages, but it would bother you if she works in construction and knows him)?
I would be uncomfortable if it was a man who had no business there, and was not a long time friend. There are no hard fast rules, but if it is just some other guy and they are spending time with no other purpose than to “hang out” at our house, it would be something I would inquire about. It would definitely be about how the situation feels.
It doesn’t have to do with trust of my spouse or not, it’s that I don’t want guys who want to screw my significant other in my house as a matter of principal.
