Phrases I Need to Never Hear My Mother Say

So, I’m having dinner with my parents tonight. My mom makes me a drink, but overfills the glass so the only thing keeping it from overflowing is the surface tension of the liquid, making it impossible to lift the glass without spilling it. I point this out to my mom. Her response?

“You’ll just have to bend over and suck it.”


Hmmm. Better or worse if it had been Dad?

My sister was pregnant and we were talking about baby names. My mother had heard a word somewhere but she didn’t know what it meant. She thought it would make a fine name for a girl. The word? Chlamydia.

"I just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey and can’t wait for the next book

Luckily, my wife heard it from her and I only got it second hand.

One time when I was a teenager, my teenager brother and I were sitting around with our prim and quiet mother. My brother asked our mom, “Mom, what is anal sex?” Mom said, “It’s when you fuck somebody in the ass, dear.” I was so mortified.

I’m sure I’ve told this story here before, but my mom had a breast lift done a few years back and wasn’t pleased with the aesthetics of her nipple reattachment. One day she chased me through the house insisting I look at her nipples and confirm that they “just lay there like a couple of canned mushrooms.”

Of course, I don’t know why I was surprised–this is the same woman who attempted to make a sexual confidante of me when I was 16 and we were dealing with fallout of my father’s affair.

How poetic, though!

A mate of mine did once have a girlfriend called Candida. I guess she had some excuse for being batshit insane.

To the maitre d of a really expensive resaurant who was helping her up from her seat

“I think my children are better than anyone else going, but then again, I’m prejudiced.” :smack:

Miss you, Ma… :frowning:

Last year my mom fell in the bathroom. It was the beginning of the end, but in the meantime…
She had fallen against the bathroom door, and I had to remove the window to get in to help her. The EMT came in the same way. We pulled the door off, and while he was working with the other guys to get a sheet under her to drag her out of the very small space, he was up close and personal with her, and she blurted out…

If this guy gets any closer to me, he’s gonna screw me!!:smack:

Mom, you did NOT just say that!!!

I met a woman last year named Candida. What surprised me was not that she was named it, but when I told my coworkers and explained it, they shrugged. “It’s still a pretty name.”

Whaaaaaaaaat? Where I come from, words mean stuff!

Well, it was also the name of a girl in a song by Tony Orlando.

I went to law school with a Candida. She was incredibly intelligent and had a personality to match, so so much for the bat-shit theory.

Which explains the huge spike–and the only time the name appears–in the baby name wizard.

“What does MILF mean?”

Possibly the worst aspect of the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinski scandal was hearing my parents discuss fellatio at the dinner table.
My parents owned a ten-acre tract of land. For several years, my older brother lived in a trailer in the “back yard”. For some time after he moved away, we kept getting his junk mail. Including his Adam & Eve catalogs. :eek: Mom was intrigued by the glow-in-the-dark dildo. :eek: :eek: :eek:

Mama once complained to me about my stepfather masturbating.

She also complained about a book she was reading having “too much oral sex.”
I refrained from asking her how much was appropriate.

I should hope so.

A response to this thread that is completely irrelevant, but involves questions a mother doesn’t want to hear her 11-year son ask: “Mom, what is oral sex?” - Me (recovering quickly): “What do you think it means?” Son, somewhat hesitant: “It’s when you talk about sex?” Me (a sigh of relief because I can postpone that talk , though it means a craven lie) “That must be it.”

I did not had the option of telling him to ask his father, his father had died a few months earlier.

Yep, mom scarred me forever when talking about one of the women my stepdad had an affair with: “She probably swallows!”

For a HS/College job, I couldn’t leave the premises & there was only one near-by place that delivered, a pizza joint called Candida’s. They weren’t all that good, but hey, they delivered, which beat the salted peanuts & candy bars from the vending machine when you wanted dinner & there was no one else/who could drive. I just thought it was the family’s last name like many small restaurants & didn’t know of the ‘other’ meaning.
Can I get nauseous many years later 'cause I think I am?