“What color was the bowling ball?”
—overheard at work. I work at a BANK, for cryin’ out loud…
The first time I heard my mom swear.
A big swear, not a dang or darn.
She was “discussing” her supervisor and the phrase “fucking bitch” was expelled from her usually Christian-praise-singing mouth.
I also learned that just because she could cuss, didn’t mean I could.
Dammit.
Hearing your parents talk dirty during sex.
I work in a wholesale tile shop.
The other day, a man came into the shop and asked, “Do you sell footrests?” I directed him to the tile footrests which are used in showers and he laughed and said, “Oh no no. Plushy footrests.”
No mate, we don’t sell footstools in a tile shop.
My story is somewhat like MissTake’s, though with my mom it didn’t involve swearing or even talking for that matter. A few years ago I was with my mom who was driving. As we pulled into a parking lot another driver swiftly cut right in front of us, nearly taking off the front bumper of my mom’s car. My mom blew the horn and flipped the bird to the offending driver in front of us. This really surprised me as my mom (who hardly swears) is the most patient and mostly saintly driver I know.
I did this to my roommates once, although I by no means have a Christian praise singing mouth.
I don’t swear. I mean, I have to be pretty pissed, or have to be really trying to make a point, to swear.
One day I realized that a less-intelligent co-worker had taken my coat, and left theirs. Worse, my wallet was in my coat. I won’t go into the whole story, but suffice it to say I spent the better part of three days trying to get a hold of this ditzy (who had left her keys in her coat pocket; don’t know now she got in her house or her car). On about the fourth day, I called again, muttering under my breath something to the effect of “the bitch better be home”.
Complete silence. I mean, you coulda’ heard that proverbial pin drop. All my roommates are looking at me like I suddenly grew three heads. Finally, once breaks the silence and says, “Man, you’ve been hanging around us too long…”.
last weekend a few friends and I were out playing frisbee golf. One of the players was having a pretty rough day with his throws, and was getting frustrated. After a spectacularly bad tee throw, he stepped down and muttered “I just don’t have a grip on those long hard ones.” Suffice it to say he will be hearing about this for a little while to come.
I’m a single Dad. While getting my daughter dressed for our annual holiday pictures, she says, “When I grow up I’m gonna have boobs. Big boobs, like my Mom. Doesn’t Mom have big boobs, Daddy?” I’m thinking, could we SO not go there?
My friend’s wife had their son in the store at Christmas, and was buying things for other children in the family. He was looking at a male doll, and took off the doll’s knickers, and roared “WHERE’S HIS PENIS?” I can’t imagine her embarrassment at that moment.
Well when I went to Florida for part of my senior year of high school and heart someone use the word “nigger” for the first time I think my jaw hit the floor.
“No, that’s no where near enough. We need way more caulk than that. Tons of caulk, we will really need tons of caulk for this.”
“Caulk, caulk, caulk we cannot have enough caulk.”
Word for word, I swear.
In the sealant aisle at the Home Depot.
Three giggly girls who didn’t get it till they heard it aloud.
We laughed so hard I’m surprised they didn’t throw the lot of us out.
You’ll be happy to know we left with plenty of caulk.
In my Biology class, some people were talking (and therefore not listening) which happens often. The teacher varied her usual “Please stop talking now.” or “Class, be quiet.” Her exact words (note the use of the quote tag) were:
I thought it was hilarious.
Well, where did you expect to hear them do it? At the dinner table?
How do you know it wasn’t at the dinner table? 
Okay, I will never be dining at my parents house again, thank you very much!
Akin to Danceswithcats, LilMiss has asked me whether all boys will have penises as big as her dads.
While we were at Applebee’s eating dinner.
(convoluted story, started when LilMiss was discussing a neighbor boy with a fondness of writing his name in the snow.)
Surprisingly, no one called protective services.
Happened years ago, but I still remember it. My science teacher was becoming exasperated with the behaviour and language of some of my fellow students, and eventually decided to have a talk with the class about what was acceptable and what wasn’t.
His exact words were, “Some of you don’t seem capable of holding a conversation without using the words ‘Fuck’ or ‘Cunt’.”
:eek:
Most other teachers would simply have used the expression “foul language” or suchlike. The fact that he actually named the words that were bothering him just seemed kind of odd… it’s not every day you hear your teacher using profanity, especially in the matter-of-fact tone of voice he used.
“Bruce Willis talking about performing oral sex? He hasn’t even seen that end of a woman!”
Said by the professor of Film, literature, and culture this evening an hour ago. Got a pretty big :eek: from the class. Three girls in the class left. I can’t wait to see how they will react (and what the prof will say) when we watch A Clockwork Orange. 
"Pucky, Pucky, Pucky. You seem to be an intelligent sort "
In a Pit thread.
Not as funny as some, but still kinda odd:
I was at Wal-Mart when I heard overheard another shopper say: “Gosh damn it.”
Sooo… how’s the therapy going?
:eek:
A guy I know at school once had the principal threaten to “clean his clock”. I still laugh whenever I think about it.