“If you don’t like it, dinner’s over!” -my mother
“You’ll eat what’s served! We’re not running a short-order house here!” -my stepfather
I never understood what a “short order house” was until long after I left home.
“Shut the damn door! Were you born in a barn?”
“Use your head for something besides a hat rack!”
“Jeee-zuss Christ!” -stepfather
“Balls!” -mother
My dad always said “Howdy!” I still do.
Ah well, W&G has given me “Not even Wensleydale??” followed by “Oh well, more for us!”
When the kid gets on my last nerve.
“I’m going to take you to the zoo…and leave you there.”
I say this all the time. Another one from my late H. He was a Texas Aggie-- they have LOTS of expressions. 
My sister would say that to me, adding, “even though you are a pain (pane).” Ha ha ha.
A similar one, “he who doesn’t have a head doesn’t need a hat”, which of course produces “that one doesn’t need a hat”.
[frusration/anger] "Shit fire and save matches.!’’
Wow, I had completely forgotten about these things!
My brother and I spent hours playing this game when we were kids. We didn’t have it at home but I remember playing it at my dad’s aunt who had a box full of old toys from the early 50s. There was also a metal box with cars moving in circles when you wound up the mecanism. We were easily entertained.
My mom said of going to an out of the way spot: “All around Robin Hood’s barn.” Long ago a thread on here revealed that other people said this, but most of them were in England.
My dad: “Even a blind hog gets an acorn sometimes.”
Skeezix - Anyone whose name you can’t immediately recall. As in “Hey, Skeezix, get your butt over here!”
Yahudi - Proper name, the person who did it if nobody did it. As in, “If you didn’t spill the milk who did, Yahudi?”
Dumpa - A person of limited intellect
Is it still 5 cents for every minute you hold the refrigerator door open or do I need to adjust for inflation? But then I guess I would have to adjust for more efficient appliances as well. To heck with it, we’ll call it a wash. 5 cents it is.
Here Yahudi is called Magoya,
“If you didn’t spill the milk who did, Magoya?”
“I’m tired of cleaning after you all, from now on let Magoya do it!”
Stealing that!
My mother in a rage once accidentally combined the two phrases: “You just burn me up!” and “You’re driving me up the wall!” to the hilarious (to us) “You just burn me up the wall!” It’s been a catchphrase in our family ever since.
My mother referred to things as “flopperjawed” if they were out of kilter or or messed up, like a bow that wouldn’t tie right. I use that one all the time, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard it outside of my family. The way she warned us that we were on the road to Spankville was “I will knock you for a loop!”. She was a great mom, but definitely old school on the spanking thing.
I could be here all night with Dadisms. Some crowd favorites:
[ul]
[li]"[Insert person who needs to get their shit together] has more problems than a dollar watch."[/li][li]When you’re in the way, usually blocking the television: “You’d make a better door than a window.” Apparently this is a very dad-ly thing to say. :)[/li][li]Taking too damn long: “You’re moving slower than molasses.”[/li][li]In response to Who won the game?: “[Losing team] came in second.”[/li][li]When leaving: “As one nut said to the other nut, we must be off!”[/li][/ul]
He also referred to my mother (you know, his wife and mother of his kids) as “your mother” and my siblings as “your brother/sister” as if they didn’t have names or he was in no way related to them. Cracked me up. My siblings and I still do this. “So I talked your mother earlier…” as if she isn’t mine, too.
“Slow as molasses in January,” from my dad.
“Up to my neck in alligators,” from my boss. Also: “Stronger than a garlic milkshake.”
If my wife tells me to go somewhere and fetch something because she’s too lazy to get up herself: “What’s the matter? You have a piano tied to your bum?” (my mom’s comment)
If someone asks for a ride: “I’ll give you a ride on the end of my toe!” (my dad’s comment)
If we’ve been walking for a long time and someone complains that she’s tired: “If you’re too tired to walk, run!” (another dad-ism)
Couldn’t find his ass with two hands and a flashlight.
A horse apiece. Similar to six of one, half dozen of the other.
Fiddlesticks.
Till the cows come home.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
These aren’t exactly phrases but my father used these two words regularly:
bumbershooot (umbrella)
and
hornswoggle (to deceive or trick)
Of course spell check programs slap their wavy red underline every time I try to insert them into a narrative.
I’ve adopted these archaic words and use them every chance I get.
It would be a shame to let these linguistic “characters” perish.
My mom bequeath this one: “My mouth feels like the bottom of a birdcage.”
“Useless as a parakeet” (Dad was no bird lover) and when violently ill and vomiting “If you hit something round and hairy, keep it – it may be your asshole”.
One not from a parent but a very elderly Pastor I worked with was “Leviticus made me do/say that”. He felt the Devil got too much credit for things.