Would ask for “The brown screwdriver!”. There would be a yellow one, and a red one. You would* never* get it right.
“… When I’m done with you, your ass will be sucking swampwater!”
Called my brother a *“Hammer-Headed Un-Screwed Bird-Eye”. *(We all still laugh to death at this. I’ve got tears of laughter running down my face as I type this!)
Once said the following, in a completely serious context, to two teenagers, “Well, that was a piss-poor analogy”. Snerk, snerk! Giggle! Whatever point he was making was totally lost on us. He he! He said, Piss-poor!
I thought my family was weird. At least we aren’t unique! (I used this phrase just tonight when one of the girls wanted something ridiculous.
I adapted the phrase to “if frogs had wings, they wouldn’t bump their little tushies when they hop.” It’s just twee enough to annoy the living snot out of my 18-year-old.
Mrs. Malaprop used to work for my grandparents. She always claimed that she used her head for something besides a coat hanger. The phrase lives on.
I told my girls that I was going to sell them to the next passing circus the other night. Apparently, Miss Lily has been listening to the news. Her reply: “Good. I want to be an elephant, and the circus doesn’t have those any more.” (No one warns you that keeping a straight face is the most important part of parenting.)
A few years from now, my kids will probably cite “did you live?” as my favorite phrase. “I scraped my knee!” “Did you live?” “My sister said something mean!” “Did you live?” “I didn’t get asked to homecoming?” “Did you live?” It’s a useful question.
Also? “I’m hungry!” “Hi Hungry, I’m Mom.” “I’m sleepy!” “Hi Sleepy, I’m Mom.” That never gets old.
My mom always said things (usually me, when lollygaging) were slow as Moses. Which is, when you think about it, slower than molasses.
I also tell people they make a better door than a window, but I do it ironically as a “God I feel like my dad” thing. I just realized that I say “you need that like you need another hole in your head” in utter seriousness.
This was an expression his great-great-grandfather, who was on cattle drives out of Texas, used to use. While the gggf died before even I was born, the phrase is part of the family folklore about him.
But of course. If he’s done something good, he’s “my child”; if he’s done something wrong, he’s “your child”. The following is a common conversation starter with the Bros:
“Your mother is driving me crazy!” “You leave MY mother out of this, what has YOURS done?”
Overexcited or complaining children produce: “is anybody bleeding?”
Children looking like they’re about to hit each other: “Kill each other but don’t hit each other!”
<— from another thread.
Another one, from Dad: “Veggies are good for you, natural is good for you, hemlock is a natural vegetable…”
My mom would call any circuitous route “Going all around Paddy’s barn.”
“You haven’t got the brains God gave a goat.”
“No comments from the Peanut Gallery!”
“You play with the bull, you get the horn.”
“Dig you cats more later, man.” (Friend: “Your dad was Maynard G. Krebs?”)
A “twirler” is a TV remote (I believe this came from my paternal grandfather?). Because you “twirl” through the channels, maybe?
“Ipsquich” is a rascally, mischievous, slightly misbehaving child (or person).
“Is that going begging?”, asking if something is claimed or if you can have it (like leftover food or whatever).
“[You, it, we, etc.] went through it like a dose of salts!” When you go through something quickly (like tasty snacks), or alternately when something goes through you quickly (much less fun).
“It’ll roll you up like a hoop!” Something that will make you very sick/poison you/etc.
I know there are more, but these certainly stick out.
From Mom:
(when I was bored) “Nothing to do? Spit in your shoe and give it to you.”
“Lord love a duck”
From Dad:
(when someone trips) “Smooth move, Ex-Lax”
“That could gag a maggot on a gut truck”
mmm