Picky While Dating/Finding A SO

[A.Selene]

Thanks for the responses everyone. Lots of good things here to mull over.

@raspberry_hunter

A.Selene, what kinds of things are you picky about? That would help answer the question of “are you too picky?” Big things (matching values, priorities) I don’t think you can really be too picky about. And it’s okay to have a couple of dealbreakers, like spelling But too many of those, and yes, you’re getting into too-picky territory.

Yeah, I guess I should make a list of dealbreakers, like actually write it out to clarify my thoughts. I will think on this and get back to you.

@Omar_Little

Date with the intention of finding a husband. That’s of course, if you are ready to settle down. It kind of sounds like you are. So instead of just dating to date and have a good time…date with intention

Well I’d be looking for a wife, but the advice still holds. Thanks

@MandaJo

Last, be with someone you admire and respect. If you think they aren’t quite as good as you, if there are no areas where you think they are better than you, it’s only a matter of time before contempt sets in, and that’s the end. Now, it’s ok to think you’re more talented in some areas or whatever, but those need to be balanced by areas where you think they are more talented than yourself.

Your whole post was very insightful Manda, thank you. This last part especially sticks out to me. This is going to come off as bragging, but that’s not my intention: I am pretty good at a number of things, and I feel like a lot of the women I have dated have sort of… fallen short of my expectations. It just seemed like they couldn’t match my wide ranging interests, or passion both for mental and physical pursuits. To be frank, in hindsight, I didn’t admire or respect them enough. I couldn’t imagine them as a partner for life. And this is where I am afraid I may be too picky. I’m not the bee’s knees - I am well aware of the many things I suck at or issues I have, but I feel like I haven’t found that someone that can match or exceed my intensity in areas important to me, or have a similar level of accomplishment in other interesting areas.

[lindsaybluth]

@A.Selene

Perhaps I’m approaching this in too cerebral a fashion, but I feel as if finding a SO with whom I could spend the rest of my life with and raise children is perhaps the most important choice I will make.

Don’t think for a moment it’s not important. It’s hugely important; married people have greater wealth, live longer and report better overall happiness/life satisfaction.

My advice is similar to raspberry hunter’s: be on the same page about the “big issues”. Don’t typecast yourself - she mentions thinking she had a “type”. I did too - dark men over 6’ tall. My other half is blonde and blue eyed and 5’10.

I feel, is being on the same page about sex and money. Those are the two biggest things people divorce over over anything else at all. Find someone who wants to work for a living, not someone who’s looking for a way to plop down and be a babymaking machine. You’d think they don’t exist but many girls - educated ones, with advanced degrees - want this.

I’ve seen lots of couples, my parents included, who come from different races, religions, ethnic backgrounds, different hemispheres and totally different families in every which way but these couples all have very common themes: the marriages that last are on the exact same page about money and education. Often this means they came from the same socioeconomic background and educational background. I can’t emphasize how important this is. Education and socioeconomic status are dividing factors; the rest is just gravy.

I feel people overlook the most obvious factors for a marriage to work: genuinely liking/respecting the other person, money and sex.

Oh, and don’t move in together until you’ve had a talk about if you both want marriage and if so when. Have a definite time table discussed and understood before moving in together. Can’t tell you how many phone calls I’ve taken about this - usually she thinks it’s a sign of commitment and it’s a sign of saving money to him.

[raspberry_hunter]

@A.Selene

This is going to come off as bragging, but that’s not my intention: I am pretty good at a number of things, and I feel like a lot of the women I have dated have sort of… fallen short of my expectations. It just seemed like they couldn’t match my wide ranging interests, or passion both for mental and physical pursuits. To be frank, in hindsight, I didn’t admire or respect them enough. I couldn’t imagine them as a partner for life. And this is where I am afraid I may be too picky. I’m not the bee’s knees - I am well aware of the many things I suck at or issues I have, but I feel like I haven’t found that someone that can match or exceed my intensity in areas important to me, or have a similar level of accomplishment in other interesting areas.

I’d be interested to know what the “areas important to you” and “other interesting areas” are. Because, yeah, I think you might be verging on the too-picky side – but it depends a lot on what these areas are.

As I said before, I had to compromise on music, which is a very important part of my life. Mr. hunter doesn’t share that with me, but he listens to me explain music theory, he goes to my concerts, and he’s cool with me having that musical life apart from him. Mr. hunter likes a lot of outdoorsy physical pursuits that I could not care less about. I am willing to do a little hiking and camping with him, but most of our compromise there is for me to allow him the spare time to do biking or rock climbing (and listen when he talks to me about how a bike wheel is put together or how one climbs in the most effective way) or whatever because I have no interest in doing them with him.

Also, we are both – “intellectual” sounds stuffy, but we do both intellectualize and dissect and try to think logically about what we come across, and so even if we don’t know a whole lot about a subject (e.g., something random we came across on the internet, or a straight dope thread), we can often have an interesting conversation about it. Perhaps that is what you are looking for?

Do you want a family? Wide-ranging interests may be not even entirely relevant once you have a kid or two. I used to do a variety of music stuff, take jewelry classes, learn Italian, blog about books, mess around with photography and post-processing (not seriously, but I was interested). Now… I post on the Dope and play piano to my kid and at church. (And, okay, when I can get mr. hunter to look after the Little One, I occasionally sneak off to solder silver, but nothing like I used to.)

[wonky]

@raspberry_hunter

Also, we are both – “intellectual” sounds stuffy, but we do both intellectualize and dissect and try to think logically about what we come across, and so even if we don’t know a whole lot about a subject (e.g., something random we came across on the internet, or a straight dope thread), we can often have an interesting conversation about it. Perhaps that is what you are looking for?

Yes, when it comes to intellectual topics, the important thing for me isn’t what someone thinks about a topic, or whether they’ve ever thought about a topic, but what happens in their brains when they think about a topic. Are they knee-jerk and reactionary or thoughtful? Do they try to be logical and keep to a standard or do they fly off the cuff? Are they willing to really look at their own beliefs or just stick to them no matter what? Can they recognize when things come into conflict or do they handwave it away? Do they accept what other people tell them without question or do they investigate on their own (if it’s important enough)? Do they believe “That’s how we’ve always done it” is a valid reason for doing something a particular way?

You can disagree on the final outcome of the thoughts, but I think when the process is too different it’s hard to respect the other.

[ZPG_Zealot]

@Hello_Again

I think its bullshit personally.

Ditto.

[lindsaybluth]

I think part of the problem - and it may be a bone of contention with others - is that far more men are in detail-oriented, wide ranging or simply intellectual pursuits. I think as an intellectual/nerdy woman you’ve got your pick of the crop seeing as the ratios in these groups are (in my experience) about 4 guys to every 1 woman. Lots of women giving advice in this thread have happily found an “other half” but I think it’s frankly easier for women. Off the top of my head, Hello Again is a lawyer and raspberry hunter is an engineer. Those are male dominated professions and even if they didn’t marry in their professions it’s indicative of the circles they run in. I can’t recall the last time I was part of a social group or political or interest-specific group meeting in which women were in equal numbers.

I could afford to be extremely picky mostly because I chose a subset of people - like many women in this thread - that had far more men than women. And the men valued a-typical women.

[raspberry_hunter]

lindsaybluth, I think you’re absolutely right. (And right about me in particular as well – I do mostly engineering work now, and I met my husband at grad school in physics, where the odds were even better than 4-to-1.)

I would, however, counsel the OP to look at the medical/biomedical-research fields, which are saturated with women, some (if not many) of whom are interested in wide-ranging intellectual pursuits. In my anecdotal experience, my intellectual physics/math/techie female friends have been snapped up pretty much immediately, whereas my intellectual medical friends have been rather slower at finding compatible mates – and in fact all of my female nerdy medical friends I can think of except one have gone outside the medical field to find mates. (Too bad your OP wasn’t five years ago, or I could have directed you to at least four amazing intellectual-talented-interesting-crazy-awesome women, all med students/doctors… but all in long-term relationships/married now.)

[lindsaybluth]

I may have explained his predicament but YOU actually gave him advice on where to meet women :p.

My (much less useful) advice would be to look into local Meetup groups that involve wine or women’s rights or policits (avoid the beer or the adventure sports ones - they’re sausage fests).

[Lothario_1]

@A.Selene

Hey Dopers.

I’ve got a question about dating and settling down. Background: I’m 26 and thinking that I’d like to find a long term SO. The idea of starting a family - not now mind you, but in the next five years or so - excites me. I’d love to find that someone who could be my partner in life.

I’ve dated a number of women in the past five years. None of the relationships have worked out; a few left me, and I left a few as well. The times I have broken up with someone, it was always because I felt as if they were not a suitable long term partner. I loved them, and in the time I had been with them I had enjoyed myself, but I couldn’t see myself with them over the long haul so I ended the relationship. I worry sometimes that I am being too picky.

Perhaps I’m approaching this in too cerebral a fashion, but I feel as if finding a SO with whom I could spend the rest of my life with and raise children is perhaps the most important choice I will make. So I’m curious as to how others made that choice.

So for Dopers that are in (or have been in) long term relationships that worked out: what were the most important points you had in common with your SO? What qualities were most important to you, and what were you willing to compromise on?

For those that were in relationships that didn’t work out - what was the cause? What was the issue(s) that drove you apart?

I guess I’m just looking for general advice on how you knew* that the person you were with was someone you could marry and see yourself starting a family with. What made you go “this is the one.”

*As much as anyone can know - I realize nothing is a sure thing, but what made you propose/say yes to the one you married.

I’m a male in your shoes. At present I’m trying to woo a lovely lady who has sparked my love interest. I go for the security and comfort of a stable relationship over multiple one night stands although in my early bachelor days having no-frills consensual sex wasn’t much of a big deal for me. Today I oppose being a man-whore and playing the game of dice with HIV transmission.

[interface2x]

@lindsaybluth

Lots of women giving advice in this thread have happily found an “other half” but I think it’s frankly easier for women.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my most recent ex. She talked about how people had told her that when it was right, it would just happen for her. Someone would come out of nowhere and the relationship would be natural. She said it’s amazing because that’s exactly how it happened for us!

I then had to tell her that that’s how it happened for her. I had to work my ass off to get her to notice me. If I had been “not looking” and “just letting things happen”, we would never have gotten together.