Inspired by this thread is a topic that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I used to believe that people are varied enough that no matter how unappealing I found someone there was probably someone else out there who would be shaking his/her head at how I could let such a catch get away.
Since I’ve been with my current SO I think I’ve changed my mind. More specifically since I met his mother (who I get along with famously, btw). She is a slim, attractive lady of 52 and is involved in the Sierra Club and ballroom dancing. She has managed to raise her son by herself and work her way into a well-paying state job with very little education. I have a lot of respect for what she’s been through (an abusive father, an adulterous husband, and an addict husband), but I cannot imagine any emotionally healthy man with an ounce of self-respect ever dating her.
Every time she meets a new man she immediately tries to mold him into a male version of herself. It’s not just a matter of therapy at this point; she won’t accept anyone who doesn’t eat like her, vote like her, and do all the things she does when she wants to do them. She is absolutely unable to share her space with anyone - she freaks out if I try to help her clean up the dishes after dinner. She needs so much control in her life that there just isn’t room for anyone else in there with her and her neuroses.
And every time she breaks up with a guy she adds to her list of dealbreakers - from her last relationship alone she now won’t date anyone who has never been married before, has facial hair, or who doens’t get along with his mother.
Now I get along with her just fine, but there is no way in hell that I would ever date her, and any guy that would date her would loose my respect instantly. She is lonely, but she isn’t willing to give up her control enough to let anyone in her life. I can’t see her ever having another long-term lover.
What do you think? Are there some people who are just unsuited for love or lifetime companionship?
She’s got such a long list of requirements now that no man could possibly fill them. She doesn’t want any man who can’t fill them, and any suitors who showed interest in her would run for the hills after a glimpse of her behaviors. This is a corner that she painted herself into. The mindset that lets a person believe they are so special that they can price themselves out of the market for companionship is just unfathomable to me. Having no foibles is actually a huge foible. (That concept might make her head asplode.) Relationships require give and take. Not one or the other, and she sounds like all take and no give. And anybody who is so good that nobody is worthy of their company, deserves everything that happens to them… or doesn’t. Humility is a valuable trait. Sounds like she has none of it.
I don’t really think that there are people who are unsuited for love or companionship. I think there are a lot of people in the world who are so completely self-absorbed that the only people who will want relationships with them have their own kind of sickness. And as history shows, people with compatible neuroses manage to find each other, over and over and over, to everyone’s detriment.
I don’t think Susan’s SO’s mother is too good for anyone - I think she’s incredibly brittle, and in danger of fracturing all together. I’m curious why she even bothers to date at this point; I suppose she doesn’t realize how she’s sabotaging herself. I believe that people act to get what they want in life, so this woman apparently, deep down, wants to be alone. It’s pretty sad, actually, when she could fix her issues and become truly happy instead of making herself even more unhappy.
You ask a very good question, Susan. I think there is someone for everyone, but the example you give is a woman who is so messed-up that she only attracts other messed-up people, which I guess kind of proves the point that there are lots of matches for everyone; it’s just that you don’t always want the kind of person you’re compatible with.
So as a followup, do you think that finding someone is easier when you’re younger because you aren’t so rigid then? It seems like most people get less flexible as they get older, and there may come a time when it’s just too uncomfortable to adjust to living with soemone after so long alone.
Ha! That is probably true. She just got out of a 9-month relationship with a very passive man who deferred to her in every way until he abruptly lost interest. Of course it probably wasn’t a good sign when they had to start couple’s therapy in month 3.
I’m under no illusions that my relationship is perfect and that I’ve just happened to find someone that accepts me as I am. As compatible as my SuaveCaveman and I are we’ve still had to make a lot of adjustments. I’ve switched from a midwestern meat-centric diet to something much closer to vegetarian and he (an athiest) has started going to church with me. We’re constantly negotiating everything from music to bedtime, but I hardly think of it as “work” or what I’m giving up as “sacrifice” because of what I get in return.
And yes, brittle is a good description of her. One of the things I really love about SuaveCaveman is how well he handles her. He manages to be respectful and honor her while still being firm in his boundaries. I would have given up on her long ago.
I don’t know that it matters how old you are when you find someone. I didn’t find someone until I was 37. That said, a lot of years of being alone can cause some folks to have some mighty strange behaviors.
In recent threads, I’ve read people saying that they’ve resigned themselves to never having a committed relationship. It hasn’t happened yet, and they’re 25 or 35 or 45 and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, so why bother. That’s a kind of death. Still others were in abusive relationships and the experience has scarred them so much that they are afraid to open up to another person in case it happens again. That’s also a kind of death. It’s mainly fear that keeps people from getting what they need and/or want. Fear of rejection. Fear of being played. Fear of waking up one day to realize they made a huge mistake. Fear of the unknown. Fear of letting go. Fear does some powerful things to people, and they never notice it. Everyone else does, though.
If you become less flexible as you age, that’s a corner that you (not you, Susan) are painting yourself into. It ties back into that self-absorption thing. If you set criteria for your life that cannot be met, you will either have miserable relations, or be completely alone and miserable by yourself. Now, being less willing to suffer idiots as you age is one thing. Setting up a belief system in which you are that around which everything else is supposed to revolve is quite another. Nobody is that freakin’ important. Nobody. But you can’t tell them that, and you can’t count on them to realize it. If you’ve got old and you are so set in your ways that you can’t live with another human being, that’s also a kind of death.
I’m 37, and never been in a committed relationship. (Been committed, but that’s another story.) I’ve come close, and have some scars that have left me a bit gun-shy. Then, when I was younger, I used to want a partner with a burning need that I think scared anyone whom I might have found attractive to the far ends of the earth.
Now, I’m comfortable being alone. I’m not avoiding a relationship - but if I don’t end up in one, I’m not going to feel that life is untenable because of it. There may well be someone out there whom I will meet and match up with. Then again, there may not. Either way I’m not worried about it.
What the OP asks though is a slightly different thing. I’ve never felt that there was just one fated match for any person. Rather there are a number of possible partners, and some people settle too easily, for fear that’s the only shot they’ll get. Others, like the OP’s SO’s mom, get so fixated upon finding a perfect person they end up looking for a modern day Galatea. Both extremes are mistakes, to my mind, and cause a lot of unnecessary suffering for people. Both for themselves and the others they may bounce against in the brownian motion of life.
I’m not sure why we all believe that ecstatic happiness in the arms of another is right around the corner, but it does seem to be our national mania.
In reality, there are very few people who will have successful, long-lasting relationships.
I wish that in threads like these, the people who extol their long-term love relationships will always have to come back, no matter how many years later, and admit how it ended up.
This woman has not priced herself out of the market out of conceit. She has said that if she can’t find what she wants in a relationship, she is happier living by herself. I’m the same way, except that I’m not even looking - I *know * there is no magic someone out there who will improve my life by moving into it (literally).
This seems to be a frequent difference between men and women, at least that I’ve noticed. Many men seem to think that an imperfect relationship is better than no relationship, because at least it’s something. (Now, I recognize that there are no perfect relationships, so please don’t jump all over me for that.) What they don’t seem to recognize is that living without a relationship is something. I love living alone. I had the best husband I could possibly have had, we broke up due to circumstances (he’s now named Rebecca with equipment to match) that in no way diminished our love for one another, but I’m *still * happier by myself than I was with him.
Am I self-absorbed? No more than most, I think. I just prefer living and being alone, for a number of reasons I prefer not to get into at this time. I’m not afraid, I haven’t been particularly hurt, I’ve had many relationships, both long term and short, I have loved and been loved. I haven’t given up. I’ve decided I’m not interested. There’s a significant difference there.
The woman the OP writes about may be cutting her own throat. Or she may recognize the minimum threshhold she requires for a relationship to be worthwhile for her. That may not be your choice, but I assure you, it is not anything like death, nor is it in the least sad. It’s just the way some of us are. Don’t be so quick to impose your needs on others.
Not in the sense of “soulmate”, no. Relationships are a lot of hard work and require that each person work towards success, with compromise on both parts.
Never been married before: I’d say that’s fair. You want a guy who has experience with the give-and-take of a committed relationship.
Facial Hair: Personal preference. She’d never take my husband away from me!!! He hasn’t shaved since the 60s.
Men who don’t get along with their mothers: Depending on the mother, of course, this is not a bad thing. I briefly dated a guy who treated his elderly mom like shit. That was a big part of why I broke up with him. Not that some moms aren’t worthy of scorn.
I hit send too soon. I think she’s been burned so bad that she simply doesn’t want to take a chance on it happening again. I think as she gets older, she may regret pushing people away.
I think there are thousands of people for everyone. It’s just a matter of the vagaries of chance whether you meet one of them or not. Or serendipity, if you like.
What I don’t understand is the obsession with how it “ends up”, as if somehow what happens int he last 10% of a relationship defines the quality of the whole thing. I love my husband to death. I honestly think that we have one of the best relationships I know of. However, I am not stupid. Nothing makes the future certain. I’ve known good people to become cocaine addicts: I’ve seen people’s priorities and hopes abruptly transform to where tehy had to rearrange their whole life. I’ve seen disease and accidents and death. We may not always be this happy, and there isn’t anything on God’s green earth that I or anyone else can do to insure that we will stay happy.
But there also isn’t anything anyone can do to change the past. Right now, we ARE happy. For the last eight years, we have been a consistient source of strength and joy to each other. If we end up wiht a decade of this and then something terrible happens, I’ll be devestated, but I’ll still have had this decade!
I forgot: to connect that back to the OP, I think thre are people for which no one person could be a suitable lifetime companion, and there are certainly people who are not suited for a long-term traditional monogamous relationship with anyone.
However, I do think (and I hope this is usually the case) that everyone is capable of forming relationships of some kind with people that come in and out of their life, and that those relationships can be as fundamental and enriching as your more traditional setups.
Of course there is someone for everyone. Several someones, in fact. The woman in the OP, I’m sure there are other messed-up people that will fit in with them.
Also I have to agree with Manda Jo. I’m in a LTR, and it may end one day…but you know, the present is what counts the most. Think of the old Sanskrit proverb (paraphrased):
Look to today,
for yesterday but a memory
and tomorrow but a dream
The only step that matters is the one you take now.
Whatever happens in another 9 years, the fact remains that we’ve had a happy 8 1/2 years together already.
Single, not really looking. I’m sure there are people out there that I’d be compatible with - I am quite sure I know several, actually; I’m just not interested enough.
While I do think that there is someone “compatible” with anybody, I also don’t expect my happiness to come from someone else, and like I said I’m not looking. I know I come with baggage, I know my professional situation would complicate dating terribly, why would I drop me on top of some poor guy who I happen to like? If you like someone, you want them to be happy, not to have to deal with your crap…
Methinks Susan’s MIL* is a worse version of me who hasn’t figured herself out yet. She hasn’t realized that in order to have a succesful relationship, first she’d have to learn to relax. Her father and husbands hurt her so badly that she was able to keep herself together only by closing the pain off; now she doesn’t want a man who’s her equal, much less one stronger than herself. But she hasn’t realized it yet. Methinks and all, I don’t read minds
