Pirates!!!! Pirates!!!! They're everywhere!!!

I don’t like pirates.

I’ve never liked pirates.

I suppose you could blame reading of Treasure Island when I was too young. Or an overactive imagination watching Peter Pan, and thinking Captain Hook was going to kidnap me away from my family. Or the shame that is Cutthroat Island.

I just don’t like pirates.

Never have. Never will.

Yet, ever since the release of the damnable Pirates of the Caribbean, the SDMB has been inundated with pirates. A quick search of the SDMB archives shows that one tenth of all the threads that even mention pirates have sprung up since July 1st of this year. ONE TENTH!!!

We have had threads about pirate names, pirate movies, and [.

Hell, we’ve even had [url=http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=200257]a SDMB pirate ship](]pirate fanfic[/url).

And it’s not just threads about pirates, or discussions of the movie, but “piratespeak” has taken over the SDMB. We have Yo Ho Ho in a thread title that have absolutely nothing to do with pirates. Even cats are saying y’arr on the SDMB. Lo’ and Behold, even General Questions is not exempt from the use of “matey” in posts.
It has to stop. Pirates are bad. Pirates are mean, nasty men who rape and pillage and kill for the hell of it. They spend all their time in the company of other hot, sweaty pirates, which can only lead to one thing. More pirates. And they’re so incredibly stupid that rather than spending their money on things (“You know, things we like”) they’d rather bury it in some God forsaken cave.

So I am raising the call to all the right thinking people on the Board to come join me in my effort to stomp out the pirates on the SDMB!!! Together, we can put an end to this travesty. We will fight. And we will win.

Maybe the ninja’s can help..

Hey Hamlet…have you ever considered pirating? You’d make an excellent Dread Pirate Roberts.

That was a joke, right?


If not, then the solution is simple. Just don’t read those Pirate threads.

Oh, and my post was directed at the OP, not at Lord Ashtar.

Hi, diddle-dee-dee!



Good, you were confusing me.

Ironically, Jose Hernandez was just about to give Hamlet an autographed #16 shirt and Carlos Rivera was going to give him an autographed ball Just Before he sent that post…

Watch it, or I’ll send Lt. Robert Maynard after you.

There is NOTHING funny about pirates. Well, maybe the Pittsburgh Pirates, but real pirates are anything but funny. They have no sense of humor. Here:

Pirate #1: Why’d the chicken cross the road?

Pirate #2: I don’t know.

Pirate #1: Grabs a cutlass and decapitates Pirate #2

See? They’re not funny in the least.

It’s not just the pirate threads, but the damned piratespeak that is also cropping up everywhere.

I’m all for a new Pirate Forum where all the Pirate threads go and everybody can put on eye-patches, say Ahoy Matey! and Arrrrr to their hearts content. I know I’d never go there.

You’re right. The serious pirates killed all the funny ones with a 1920’s style death ray.

Hey, it’s no joke, folks. This is from last week:

Malaysian ship attacked, captain & crew abducted

Piracy alert issued to seafarers off Aceh

(Sorry for the hijack - intersting nonetheless)

Ye be welcome aboard the Ted anytime, don’t ye know.

Always could use a new 'and on the guns or fer general skullduggery and whot not.

Be ye interested?

Welcome aboard, IzzyR. Since you have such a keen eye for finding pirates, and you fully recognize the threat they are, not just to the SDMB, but the world in general; I hereby name you Admiral IzzyR, and I give you a mighty naval vessel to aid in the fight against these rabid dogs of the sea. Go forth, and save the SDMB from pirates!!!

Hamlet, maybe you can team up with pipper, who’s just started a thread called Anti-pirate (Arrgh matey type) protection ideas wanted!.

Hamlet, don’t ever join the Something Awful Forums. they’re obsessed with pirates over there and have been since long before that movie came out. Sometimes that’s all they seem to talk about… pirates and zombies, pirates and zombies.

Alternatively, I might become a pirate myself, and board your vessel. (I was always fascinated by salmagundi).

You’ll walk the plank, you son of a biscuit eater…

Actually this is pretty funny.

What’s all the hate for? Can’t a guy say ‘arrr’ and not be discriminated against? That’s it. I’m forming a pirate coalition and suing Hamlet for eleventy billion dol… Wait… Hamlet? HAMLET?! Come -on-, guy, you got BROUGHT BACK TO DENMARK by frickin’ pirates! Throw us a bone, here! Doncha remember? Act 4, scene 6? We did you a good turn, and here you are, badmouthing us. Sheesh! :smiley:

What about robots and monkeys?

Well, see, this isn’t necessarily true. Unless some of the hot, sweaty pirates are women. And they can’t be because women don’t sweat. They perspire. So see? :smiley:

It happens like this: When a Mommy Pirate and a Daddy Pirate really love each other…


Yeah, I remember. Though I tried to forget many many times. Or did you forget that I said: “I alone became their prisoner.” PRISONER!! Not, honored guest. Not co-swashbuckler. PRISONER. And then, they asked…Nay, they demanded that “I do a good turn for them.” My decorum stops me from describing, in detail, what that “good turn” was, but suffice it to say it involved a lot of alcohol, scurvy, baby oil, and a parrot. I shall never live down the shame.

After my abovementioned problems with pirates, I got more than acquainted with the mating rituals of pirates. And the only thing I’ll say is that pirate women are not like normal women.

That’s really funny if you are Pirate #3.

Can you imagine what the board will be like if The Hunted Mansion is a good movie?


Which ghost are you in the SDMB Haunted House?

At least everybody admits that Pirates are real.