Funny that I was talking about pirates just last week with my lawyer friends.
Seems that here in Canada there’s a massive penalty for piracy (along with “Alarming her Majesty” and other fun-sounding things). It must be because it’s so fun and easy that the temptation to … er … pirate is overwhelming.
I’m half tempted to try it myself, except I don’t want to go to jail for life.
Arrrr! I’m home again! Ah, to be buckling swashes on the high seas! The salt air, the parrots, the broadsides, the wenches, the booty, the unbuckling of swashes… (Realizes the last few things could lead down some rather interresting roads…)
ARRR! Gimmie me eyepatch and me cutlass! Who’s out to help me pillage a costal town?
So Capt. Smithee and his first mate are walking the deck when a swabbie yells from the bird’s nest: “One pirate ship on the port side!”
Capt. Smithee yells to his porter: “Bring me my red shirt!”. The pirate ship arrives, attacks, and Capt. Smithee and his crew soundly defeat the attackers.
The next day, a cry is yelled from the bird’s nest: “Two pirate ships approach on the starboard side!” Capt. Smithee yells to his porter: “Bring me my red shirt!” He changes shirts, the pirates attack, and Smithee et al. defeat them.
Later in the week, Capt. Smith and his first mate hear: “5 pirates ships approach on the port side!” The same sequence of events takes place - red shirt, pirates attack, pirates get killed.
That night, the first mate approachs Capt. Smithee and asks him: “Captain, every time we’re attacked, you call for someone to bring your red shirt to you, and every time we emerge victorious. What sort of lucky properties does this shirt have?”
Capt. Smithee responds: “It’s not the shirt that is lucky. It’s that if I were to get injured in battle, none of my crew would see me bleeding, and sustain their attack. If they see me bleed, they lose hope.”
A week later, the guy in the bird’s nest screams out: “Ten pirate ships approach dead ahead!!!”
Capt. Smithee turns to his first mate and says: “Bring me my brown pants.”
On Stranger Tides by Tim Powers is a great pirate fantasy. It’s got blackbeard, zombie pirates, voodoo, and sea battles - what more could you ask for? (I’m going to have to go find my copy of that again, since this thread reminded me of it.) Anyone else liked this book?
Come, friends, who plough the seas.
Truce to navigation – take another station.
Let’s vary piracy
With a little burglaree!
Here’s your crowbar, and your center-bit.
Your ‘life preserver’ – you may want to hit.
Your silent matches, your dark lantern seize.
Take your file, and your skeletonic keys.