My bad ideas for children’s books:
A politically correct children’s book series designed to make all kids feel like they’re represented:
I’m working on the sequel in which he meets his girlfriend, a handicapped illegal alien.
Inspired by a friend who is trying to teach a child about the soul and eternal life, two books that might help:
and or
For the inquisitive child with the interest in science, there’s
Any ideas for the same publisher?
Spirit: Pitbull Bait Puppy
This book was actually written and shown to me by a person very dedicated to preventing dog fighting. It chronicles Spirit’s life as he plays happily with his boy, gets kidnapped by gangbangers, and then gets ripped to shreads by pitbulls training for the big fight. It ends with his mangled corpse being found in a dumpster by his original owner. Yes, it was intended for children and was as horrible as it sounds.
It has not yet found a publisher.
“Pedobear Just Wants a Hug.”
What Mommy and Daddy do after you go to bed
“How to Run Away from Home and Earn a Living Selling Your Body”
Fun with Free-Solo Rock Climbing
** “The Tooth Goblin”**
In it reads:
"When you lose a tooth, stick it under your pillow and the tooth fairy will come to give you money for it. But if she finds a cavity in that tooth, she’ll call her friend The Tooth Goblin. He will come over, yank the rest of your teeth out of your head and then shoot your parents!!
BRUSH YOUR DAMN TEETH KIDS!!"
Hey if you make any money off this, please throw some my way.
“Perry the Poop and The Big Slide”
The story of of Perry and his travels through the Great Intestine. The climax is when something goes wrong and he has to race for his freedom.
“Dog Butts”
An in-depth full color photographic look at canine spincters aimed at the 6-10 year old demographic.
“Where Cats Tread”
A non-fiction book focused on kitty litter from production to displosal.
“Where the Red Fern Fell”
A update of the children’s classic “Where the Red Fern Grows” set years in the future where a lumber company buys the farm and starts it’s deforestation plans. Ending with the chopping down of the famous tree. This book is intended to teach children the truth about corporations with money getting what they want.
“Carl the Fugitive”
The story of Carl and his escape from prison after being convicted of sexual assult of a minor and murder. He travels with Little Johnny, a 9 year old taken hostage, and they set off for many wacky adventures.
“Road Kill Rudy”
The story of a zombie squirrel that uses the power of being dead to save the forrest his friends and family live in.
“Time Bomb Tim”
The adventures of a suicide bomber that can’t quite get it right.
I can work on some more if you need them. 
Unauthorized sequels: great untapped market.
Fran of Green Gables- set in modern day at the Green Gables Mall on Prince Edward Island where Fran works at a perfume counter and has wild adventures in her mind due to an allergy to the chemical fusion of the fumes.
Little House on the Bayou- Almanzette, an illegitimate descendant of Laura and Almonzo Wilder, is a little Cajun girl with a pet raccoon named Laurence and a pet gator named Olivier, both of whom help her take care of the spoiled rich bully.
Remembered/stolen from Car Talk
Strangers have the best candy.
Grandma takes a dirt nap.
Curious George and the electric fence.
Cue old automechanic farts obnoxious laughter mixed with intense disdain from the more “serious” NPR listeners.
I could never top this one:
A Tree Grows in Hoboken. Driven from her favorite borough by high rents and flash artisanal markets, Francie returns from the University of Michigan and falls in love with an up-and-coming crooner.
Children should really know where there food comes from, which is why someone needs to write How Bessie the Cow Became Your Hamburger
after its smashing success, the series continues
How Babe the Piglet found his way to your BLT
Baa-Baa lamb and the St Patrick’s day feast[sup]1[/sup]
Henrietta the Chicken Sandwich
[sup]1[/sup] Once I was with the kids at a local Greek orthodox church festival. They had a petting zoo with lambs, and two booths away, they were roasting a whole lamb! :eek:
A couple more that got lost in the edit window limbo:
“Message Boards 101: An Introduction on How to Troll”
Title is self explainatory.
“Atlas Farted”
A humorus look at global economics and how you will never be rich unless you are born into it or know the right people. (Enjoy that McJob little Billy)
“Mommy, Why Did Hitler Die?”
A look back at the great man who wanted to start the European Union before it was in vogue. (I don’t really believe this. THIS IS A JOKE!!!)
“God Hates Fags”
The Westboro Baptist’s guide for children on how to talk to their parents about the evils of homosexuality. (Ditto as above. THIS IS A JOKE!!!)
“Gaming for Grade Schoolers: One Thousand and One Insults for Multi-Player Games”
Targeted at 9 year olds who don’t understand the meaning of half the crap they are saying when trying to talk shit in multi-player games such as Call of Duty and Halo.
“My Right Leg”
Picture book for pre-schoolers about a recent amputee returning to the abandoned mine field where he lost his leg.
“The Gulf of Guinea”
The heroic adventures of Nigerian pirates making there way in the world today.
Why Daddy Left
A compassionate reader for 5-10 year old children of divorced single mothers. Covers all the basic possibilities from “Alcoholism” to “You”.
Holy Shit, That Feels Good Charlie Brown!
An introduction to self-pleasure for the already curious pre-schoolers, with helpful illustrations from the popular Peanuts TM comic srtip!
Woozy Wabbit’s Tasting Adventure
Encourage your children to explore the wonderful world around them using only their sense of taste! Follow along with Woozy Wabbit as he explores dad’s workshed, under the kitchen sink, and the medicine cabinet!
*Just pop in in your mouth and see!
Just pop in in your mouth and see!
Near the kitchen sink, is a can that stinks
but it tastes like how-de-who.
Just pop in in your mouth and see!
Just pop in in your mouth and see!
It may look like poo, but until you do,
you won’t ever know, will you? *
“Swallowing the Preacher’s Pee-pee Spit.” Illustrated.
“Let’s Drink the Stuff Under the Sink.”
“Genital Warts - or Picking Scabs Can Ease the Entry”
Everybody Lies
The long awaited sequel to the runnaway hit Everybody Poops, Lies teaches your children how to achieve success through the art of deception.
