We’ve all seen the email list of Rejected Children’s Books. It alleges to be from a contest, but doesn’t state when or where the contest was done. Further, over the years there hasn’t been much updating of them.
So, since Straight-Dopers are both smarter and sicker than the average shlump, I suggest using this thread to come up with some of your own twisted ideas. To get the ball rolling, here are some of the originals, followed by some of my own. (And if anyone knows where the contest originated, please post that too.)
And some of my own:
· “The Cat in the Vat”
· “Wally Witnesses a Mob Hit”
· “Andy Takes a Different Trip. Bye Bye, Andy!”
· “In Our House Daddy Packs Lunch, and Mommy Packs Heat”
· “What the Big Girls Do”
· “Gangs: Not Just for Bad Kids Anymore”
· “Johnny Visits the Gelatin Factory”
· “Kimberly Takes a Walk Through the Valley (of the Shadow of Death)”
· “The Robin That Lived in the Fan Belt”
· “Faster, Billy!”
· "Let’s Play Lawnmower Tag!
Well, those may be funny, but they aren’t half as funny as some of the actual title of rejected children’s books.
There used to be slushpile panels at a lot of SF conventions, where people read from slush submissions. These have ended, since it’s now considered a breach of faith to read from a rejected submission. However, one title that stuck in my mind was:
“The Potato Chip that Found Jesus.”
And evidently, there is an entire genre of this sort of story – the little crippled [cute creature or object] that becomes a hero – that shows up in slushpile submissions. They are nearly always rejected, though they probably can be found on the Internet at the various vanity press (aka Print on Demand) sites.
“What we have here is failure to communicate.” – Strother Martin, anticipating the Internet.
OK, so where’s the list of Dr. Seuss rejected titles that also went around the 'net? I remember “Horton Hears a 'Ho,” “The Cat Shat in the Hat,” “The Lemon Fresh Lorax,” “How The Grinch Stole Columbus Day,” and a few others. That amused me as well.
Bobby’s Big Book of Blasphemy
The E.R. Coloring Book
Nana’s Trip to the Cardiologist
Xavier Hollander’s Things To Do When No Ones Watching
The Colorful World of Open Sores
I seem to recall these originated as a Letterman top 10 list. I have three of the books and I’ll flip through them tonight and see what I come up with.
“Satan – I’ve had enough of your two cents!” – The hilarious Federalist
The list from the OP is from the Washington Post Style Invitational. It’s a weekly contest, that has been going on for maybe five years now. IIRC, the idea of the contest is a rip-off of a very similar weekly contest run in the NY Times.
I don’t know that the Post’s contest is the originator of the “Rejected Children’s Book” idea, but I do know that the list from the OP was taken directly from that contest. I remember reading it in the Sunday paper several years ago, back when people still read the paper. Unfortunately, I checked the Post’s website and they charge money to find an archived article, so I can’t provide a reference. Sorry, either I’m telling the truth, or deliberately spreading disinformation…and I can’t really provide good evidence against for or against either of those.
One became great by expecting the possible, another by expecting the eternal, but he who expected the impossible became greater than all. -Kierkegaard
There really is a “The Book of Farts” written in a children’s book format. I just did search at Amazon and you’d be amazed the amount of literature(?) dedicated to the humble fart.
Inertia, you just reminded me of one of my kids’ favorite books. Everyone Poops It’s actually a pretty good book for the potty training age. The title disgusted my father when he was alive. My mom bought the book for my kids. I can still recall the look on his face when he said, “Look what your mother bought.”
“How to Find Funny Pictures on the Internet”
“What Shall We Taste Today?”
“Our Skin is White, That Means We’re Right”
“Science Fair Projects with Gasoline”
“Let’s Make Mommy Jealous (A Guide for Girls)”
“Fun with Rohypnol (A Guide for Boys)”
“How We Murdered the Native Americans and Stole Their Land”
“You Might Be Pretty if You Lost Some Weight”
“Are You a Jew, Too?”
