Inspired by this thread, in which it appears that some of the worst sequel ideas in history are currently under production in Hollywood.
Think of the crappiest possible idea for a sequel you possibly can. The worse the better. Then we can sit back and refer to this thread and see if Hollywood actually picked one of our terrible ideas.
I’ll start the ball rolling:
Casablanca: Lazlo’s Rescue Lazlo’s plane gets shot down on the way to Lisbon, and Lazlo gets captured and Ilsa escapes. Ilsa recruits Rick and Louie and together they stage an elaborate rescue. I’m thinking love triangle, great F/X, maybe some nudity. And lots of laughs. Ashton Kucher as Rick, Brittney Murphy as Ilsa, somebody older as Lazlo…how about Vince Vaughn? And I love Chris Tucker as the wise-cracking Louie. This baby’s got Bruckheimer written all over it. The Shawshank Recapturing Capt. Hadley makes a plea bargain and tracks down Red and Andy in Zihuataneco. They’re sent back to Shawshank, and together they stage an elaborate escape. We need a name that pops for the new Warden. How about Christopher Walken? Of course, we’d need Morgan and Tim back. I like PT Anderson as director here. The Perfect Storm: Andrea Gail Returns We never really saw if they survived that big wave, did we? Same cast, they just have to make it home. Can we see if Michael Bay is available? Maine: Rose’s New AdventureRose is once again trapped on a sinking ocean liner, and survives! This time we can kill off the Billy Zane character. I know we can get Kate Winslet, all we need is…what’s that? Whatever - how many people know the exact dates of sinking ships from 100 years ago? What? OK, so she joins the military. Work with me, people.
ET
Set 30 years later from the original story we revist Elliot. ET has not returned. The government denies there ever was an alien but rather they were investigating a possible anthrax outbreak. A cult religion has arisen around the story of ET. People have had flash lights surgically implanted in their fingers and chests. They worship Gertie as a goddess. Elliot has been called a liar and a freak in the mainstream media however and can not work anywhere and the talk show circuit is done with him. He has a booth at sci-fi cons and is openly mocked by people dressed as Klingons. Michael has, underpressure, denied the entire alien story but Elliot keeps faith that ET will return. When Gerti gets cancer, everyone pressures Elliot to get ET to come back and heal her. She dies of cancer and the crowd of worshipers turn on Elliot and kill him.
Kane II After Susan Kane left Charles Foster Kane she discovered she was pregnant with his child. The sequel follows Charlie Kane’s ruthless attempts to rebuild his father’s publishing empire.
Just to make things a little extra skeevy, Sophia Coppola appears as his cousin.
Office Space 2: Nazi Flair
Peter stops by Samir and Michael’s new office, just as they discover that Innerprobe has been working on a secret project–A time machine! All three are whisked back in time and find themselves at Dachau. As bad as a cube farm is, they discover that sleeping 3 to a bunk is even worse, and they find themselves with a major case of the Montags. They hatch a plan to get an extra crust of bread per day, but it goes horribly awry, and they find their barracks filled to overflowing with wiener schnitzel and spaetzle.
The Princess Bored
Buttercup and Westley have been married for fifteen years. They have three bratty children, including a teenage girl who, much to her parents’ dismay, knows that she has perfect breasts and has taken a job at a strip joint to take advantage of 'em.
While Westley is at work as the Dread Pirate Roberts, Buttercup stays home with the kids, swigging wine (sans iocaine) and fantasizing about how much better off she would be if she’d stayed with Humperdinck.
I’ve heard these elsewhere so I’m steal—err—borrowing them.
Titanic 2 All the people have been living in an air pocket under the hull of the ship for the last 80 something years. With the help of crabs that we later find out are actually aliens, the people have somehow managed to stop aging. Eventually, everyone comes to the surface and either:
a: fights terrorism
b: has the end-all war with the Aliens from planet Giaksfalkdfj 76.
c: forms the world’s. best. boyband.
Passion of the Christ 2- Jesus is back. And he’s PISSED. The govanator is Jesus. Arnie: “I told you not to cross me!”
I think the worst possible sequel would be one that follows a great movie and demeans the original. So, with that in mind, … A Clockwork Orange II: Alex, having grown up into a right old ded and outlived his taste for the old ultra-violence, realizes his life is going nowhere and decides to enroll in dental school. Unfortunately, the dean doesn’t believe that he’s truly reformed, and dogs him at every turn, even going so far as to place him on TRIPLE-secret probation. Fortunately for Alex, the dean’s quirky, diamond-in-the-ruff daughter digs bad boys. Will Alex get the deans daughter? Will he get his degree and become one of the mythical British dentists? Find out!
Apocolypse Again: Colonel Kurtz, having miraculously survived Willard’s machette attack, has rebuilt his jungle compound. He’s learned his lesson, though: No longer is the jungle fortress defended by spear-wielding natives. He’s seen to it that they’re equipped with the latest military technology, including anti-personal lasers, man-portable chain guns, mini-submarines patrolling the river, and an extensive array of surveillance equipment. Army command is forced to drag Willard back out of retirement–unfortunately, all the other operatives are on other assignments, so they’re forced to team him with a ragtag array of misfits. Can he whip them into shape and once again defeat Colonel Kurtz? Find out!
Seven Samurai… And a Baby!: This modern followup to Akira Kurosawa’s classic continues the tale! After sucessfully defeating the bandits, the samurai bid a fond farewell the villagers and strike off into the Japanese countryside in search of merry adventure. They soon find it, in the form of an abandoned baby found lying by the stream. Heart-warming hillarity ensues as the rough-and-tumble warriors find their nurturing, feminine sides and raise the baby as their own child, and learn something about themselves in the process.
The Godfather, Part III: An ageing Michael looks back on his life in despair; in a final attempt to restore meaning to his life he tries to atone for his past sins by legitimizing the Corleone family businesses and saving his children from his lonely, desolate fate. Intrigue swirls as he makes shady dealings with the Catholic church, and drama unfolds as his beautiful daughter has a love affair with a younger member of the ‘family’ set in the old ways.
Mr. Holland’s Summa Cum Laude: Mr. Holland goes back to school, where he pulls on his tie, rolls his eyes, makes silly Klimt jokes, and drinks more than he really should. But he manages to graduate with distinguished honours by humiliating the dean of his faculty in a fiendish yet harmless caper filled with boyish hi-jinx and considerable mess.
Philadelphia Forrest Coccoons: Forrest Gump contracts AIDS after falling in love with a racy septuagenarian, marries him, and finds some strange pods in the swimming pool that render him and his true love immortal just in time. At least two charming yet soulful dance sequences!
Saturn 3 part 2: After being blown to bits on one of Saturns moons, Hector spends the next 30 years putting himself back together. Once finished he builds a ship, returns to earth and overpowers Farrah in the middle of her reality show.
My Brunch with Andre: Two guys hit an all you can eat brunch buffet and talk about stuff.