Pitting my future sister-in-law

The BBQ Pit
1

A few months back, I took some money out of my retirement account that I had earmarked for a few things: buying a new car, and taking a vacation with my fiancée (and possibly eloping while we were there).

I work nights, so I sleep during the day. At times, my fiancée has needed to go do some running, or pay bills or whatever. So she’ll ask for my ATM card to get my share out of my account. She’s meticulous about bringing me back any receipts so that I can match everything up.

So last month, about 2 days before we went out of town, I logged into my bank’s app, and discovered that I was missing around $2500. Going through the transactions on the app, I discovered two ATM withdrawals, one for $1000, and another for $500. There were also about $1000 in purchases that I didn’t make.

So I make a quick stop at my local bank branch and dispute the charges. I got the nearly $1000 in purchases refunded. The bank is refusing to reimburse me for the ATM withdrawals because they showed where this person had accessed my account before (and I just missed it when I was going through my account history). I suspected that my sister-in-law had managed to get access to my PIN (I don’t have it written down or anything, but I think my fiancée had it saved in her phone). So I asked the bank to let me see the security footage from those transactions, and they said no.

So I filed a police report on the transactions (technically, 2 reports. I suspect that she snuck my card out of my wallet while I was asleep, then snuck it back in before I woke up).

Anything over $500 is a felony, so I’m put in the position of potentially sending my future sister-in-law to jail.

And I got to see the footage today because of the police reports. It’s her.

Needless to say, this is causing quite a bit of tension around the house. My fiancée is caught in the middle of all this, and it’s affecting our relationship (although she has my back on this, and encourages me to do what I think is right).

I’m actually willing to let the matter rest without going to court if I get my money back. I don’t see that happening, though.

2

Have you gotten to the bottom of this yet? You need to know where future S-I-L got the PIN.

3

What you’re doing is right and that tension was going to happen eventually. It was when, not if. $2500 is pretty darn bold and probably has happened to other family members or friends who haven’t pursued restitution.

If she repays it and it still feels right, withdraw the charges. The bank that reversed the faux purchases may decide to pursue her now that the cause is known. That’s on her, not you.

Buy the car, go on your trip, [elope] and enjoy your partner. Your sister-in-law is on her own. Stick close to your brother, he’s going to need it.

4

I could be wrong, but I assumed that the future SIL is his fiancee’s sister, not a brother’s wife. Otherwise she wouldn’t be his future SIL.

5

Correct. She’s my fiancee’s sister

6

So what did your FSIL say when you asked her?

7

Nah, I’m the one who parsed it wrong. mea culpa.

May I edit my post?

Buy the car, go on the trip, have wedding bands tucked in your backpack, just in case. Enjoy. You obviously wooed and won the good sister.

8

I haven’t yet. I wanted to wait until I saw the footage from the ATM before I confronted her about it. I was sure it was, anyway, but I wanted all the evidence on my side to eliminate even reasonable doubt.

I have noticed, though, that since This initially happened, she hasn’t been over to our place. Not while I’m there, anyway.

9

For the record, I bought the car .

10

Does she have a history of this type of thing? Has she stolen from family members before?

11

Did fiancée confirm that FSIL got your ATM PIN from her phone? That’s what I find worrisome - how she got it. Is this new behavior for FSIL? Is fiancée also feeling betrayed?

(Any sensitive data should be stored in an app that can be password protected. I use one called Colornotes.)

12

The PIN number being retrieved from my fiancee’s phone is an educated guess. I’m not sure how else she could have obtained it, and my fiancée agrees (and feels extremely shitty about it).

To my knowledge, this is the first time that something like this has happened. My fiancée can’t think of any other times when her sister has done anything like this. Of course, that doesn’t mean that it’s never occurred before.

13

The only appropriate outcome to this incident is:
https://tenor.com/view/hawaii-five-o-jack-lord-book-em-book-em-danno-danno-gif-17301617

14

Since it would have been obvious to her that she had 0 chance of getting away with it, she must have been very, very desperate. Any idea why?

15

Not that I can think of. They’re a pretty tight-knit family that constantly looks out for each other.

She hasn’t triggered my “drug” alarm, and after eight years as an EMT, mine is at least honed better than average. She’s not shown any signs of a gambling problem or anything that I’ve picked up on, and neither has her sister.

I suppose it could be a mental illness, but I don’t want to speculate too much without knowing more.

16

The thought occurs that FSIL may have shoulder-surfed your fiancée at some point.

17

If this is atypical of her, it sounds like the act of a desperate person. I’d want to talk to her (in a supportive way) before I went all Dirty Harry on her.

18

I’m with SanVito, sounds like desperation to me. Given that it’s a tight knit family and your fiancee knows nothing about it, SIL is keeping secrets.

Clearly there needs to be a talk, something is terribly wrong with her life. I’m not sure of the ages of the players or the other folks potentially impacted (spouse, kids, etc.) but that would play a role in how I’d proceed as well.

19

The truth is, she totally did get away with the first one. For awhile. The OP said he’d totally overlooked that withdrawal until the bank pointed it out to him. Had she stopped after one the crime would still be undetected today.

You have no idea how many “zero chance of getting away with it” crimes are committed every day. My wife was a banking attorney. The number of cases just like this one, where someone well-known to the account owner is videotaped extracting money from an ATM would astound you. It’s not quite once per day per ATM, but it’s not too far from it.

Future SIL might be desperate. She might just be stupid. She might be a borderline psychopath. She might be genuinely insane. She might be nurturing a rapidly growing substance abuse problem. She might simply be selfish and real good at rationalization.

Criminals are famous for being really lousy at correct cause-and-effect analysis. Wishful thinking is the only kind they seem capable of.

20

She may just be bad with money and lack a conscious. If she seems to be living a lifestyle above her means (clothing, housing, etc.), she may be blowing through money faster than she can pay it back. If her credit cards are maxed, she may decide taking money from you is a good way to get a hot new pair of shoes or something.

Although I can understand wanting to be compassionate towards her, I feel it would be better to make sure she feels the sting of the consequences. That doesn’t necessarily mean involving the police, but she needs to feel the weight of what she did or else it will be easy for her to keep the same behavior. A lot will depend on her reaction when you confront her. If she doesn’t seem contrite, then it would probably be best to pursue charges even if you drop them later. She needs to realize that what she did is a crime and has major consequences.