Play agony aunt/uncle to my emotional dilemma (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Please read this carefully. Thank you.

I met a girl online.

I live in England. She lives in America.

I was attracted to her, and she to me.

It soon transpired that she was more attracted to me than I to her.

This disparity didn’t concern me as I was attracted to her and assumed that the strength of my feelings would “catch up” to hers in due course.

Fast forward 2 months. Now we’re e-mailing eachother 2 or 3 times a week, talking on the phone 2 or 3 times a week, chatting on MSN whenever the opportunity arose, sending packages and handwritten letters to eachother, and even having phonesex occasionally. We agreed to remain exclusive to eachother until she came over to England in April 2005.

Fast forward 1 month. Instead of becoming more attached to her, my feelings had actually started to wane slightly. She, however, had become more attached.

Fast forward one month. I’m now at University and had less opportunities to speak to her.

One day, she tells me that she’s met someone else. She’d like us to be friends. I agree.

One week later she tells me that this other guy has finished things with her. She wants to get back together with me.

I want to stay friends.

We’ve talked three times since then. Twice on MSN and once on the phone. Each time I’ve insisted that I don’t hold any ill will towards her for finding this other guy (which is true) but that the incident has highlighted how difficult a long term, long distance committment is. I don’t feel I’m ready for such a committment. My feelings for her have also waned farther.

She seems desperately keen to get back together with me. She says that she wants to stay single until she comes to England in April 2005 just incase we have a chance together. She thinks it’s unfair that I don’t want to commit to her as she feels like I’m forcing her to stay single until April 2005 with no guarantee that I’ll be single by then.

She has had a very difficult upbringing and is very emotional. She’s also prone to depression and has a history of self harm. I still care about her, feel I can confide in her and want to keep her as a friend.

Our last MSN conversation just ended with her saying she’s going to go round this other guys house (the guy she hooked up with for a week) to screw him to make herself feel better.

She’s a really wonderful person at heart and she’s been screwed over by several guys in the past. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt anymore.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should deal with this?

2

Get away from her. Now. Block her email address. Block her on MSN. Screen your calls for a month. Thank god she’s on the other side of the ocean, and can’t come for you. You don’t need this crap, and frankly neither does she. By continuing to communicate with her, you are enforcing her impression that it’s okay to be a preoccupied parasite.

Trust me. I was in the same situation once.

Mine got himself engaged six weeks after I cut him off, and married six months later.

3

I would do, but I’m worried about her hurting herself. That’s the crux of the problem. Thanks for your comments. They’re definately appreciated.

4

I feel I may speak with some authority on this issue, as I was this woman (or close enough to make no difference) for a while.

She has manipulated you into feeling responsible for her feelings and guilty for your lack thereof. She doesn’t actually care about you; she just needs the attention and drama.

If you enjoy her company, and can get it through her head that you aren’t interested, then by all means stay friends. However, all of the people I know who are like that cannot recognize or participate in opposite-sex friendship. She will almost certainly refuse to believe that there could never be anything between you.

Also, find a new confidant post haste - women like that are in no position to handle intimate info. If given the chance, she will hurt you with it.

She is not malicious or evil, just damaged and very self-absorbed. You cannot repair the damage, but you can provide an example of a healthy person enjoying drama-free healthy relationships. I had someone do this for me, and I can’t tell you how much it helped.

Good luck, and just remember to step back and look at this objectively every so often. Don’t get sucked in.

5

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you. If I may, I have one question

When you said:

Do you mean I should move on so she can learn from my example? Or did you intend something else? Sorry if this seems like a dumb question. I’m tired and up waaay too late :slight_smile:

6

No, I mean that I knew a guy who was willing to put up with the insanity that was my life to be my friend.

If he had just cut ties (as he would have been entirely justified in doing), I would have seen it not as an example but just another abandonment.

7

Ok. Thanks for the clarification.

8

You must first have respect for your own feelings. They are what they are and you should not be emotionally blackmailed into anything else.

You must be a very kind person and I understand your being concerned about her emotional welfare. The chances are that she goes through this often. If her survival depended on you, she would not have walked away from you so easily. And if she were mature and respectful, she would not use sex with another person just to cheer herself up. This is a very manipulative and inwardly focused woman.

This is not to say that she is “bad.” She just hasn’t centered herself. She doesn’t know who she is and she acts out of impulse. She may not even be aware of what she is doing. Believe me, I’m not judging her as good or bad – just not ready for you.

I can believe that she doesn’t deserve to be hurt anymore. But if she continues to demonstrate the same behavior pattern – which is one of trying to control and manipulate – then she is going to be hurt.

Since she has a history of depression, she should be under professional supervision. Her behavior may be just as stupid a thing as an imbalance in her brain chemistry and many medications can be quite helpful for many people. Since she has had a difficult life, she made need counseling in addition to the medication.

When and if you suggest this, let her know that you don’t think that it is in any way her “fault” or that it is a personality weakness or a character flaw. But I seriously think that you ought to make it a condition of seeing her in April of next year. It may make all of the difference in the world in her ability to deal with everything. (Medications can take six weeks to work sometimes.) Of course, the counseling itself may be enough.

At any rate, she needs support. But she should get it in addition to you if she is to continue to have your support. If she doesn’t accept these terms, I truly would firmly but gently terminate the relationship.

9

GRAMMAR ALERT!!!

Of course, you had fewer opportunities to speak to her.

And I bet you’re doing English Language…

10

YOU are forcing HER to stay single. Something doesn’t click here.

Does she already have an airline ticket? Is that a small part of the problem also?

11

I think she is freaked out about coming to England and not knowing anybody. So now you are her only friend in England and she probably doesn’t think that you, well any guy really, would be her friend if she were not your lover. That is why she wants the relationship to remain on that level. Let her know that you will be her friend. She may not get this. She may think that sex is the only thing of value she can offer you. Be persistent in being a friend only.

Good luck.

12

This is not a healthy relationship for you to pursue. Get out of it ASAP and don’t be available for her. At all.

Call me cruel and callous (it’s okay!) but you’re not remotely responsible for someone in another country who may decide to hurt themselves. Or even for someone in your own country, IMHO. If you give in to her only to try and keep her from hurting herself, then you’re just enforcing the belief that emotional blackmail is a real winner.

It’s clear she’s bad news. First she’s ‘dating’ you and ever so in love, then she dumps you for another guy - who leaves her within a week - and now she’s desperately back in love with you when 7 days before she wanted only to be friends?

I’m surprised you could hear her voice over the noise of the warning bells. :dubious:

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

I’m all for being supportive, but you have to learn to recognise the difference between someone who needs a period of emotional support (as we all do, at some point) and someone who, given the opportunity, will suck out your soul and turn you into their personal guilt-ridden puppet.

13

Another vote for cutting off all contact. You can respond to her next email with a kind but firm note that you think it would be better if the two of you didn’t talk any more, but that’s it – after that, stop responding altogether, no matter what.

Any time you find yourself thinking or saying “I don’t want to be with her, but I’m afraid she’ll hurt herself if I leave”, this is a big flashing sign that you need to be away from that person. If you have real evidence that they may try something, you should warn family members or authorities. 99.99% of the time, this is just part of the emotional vampire playbook. In any event, staying with them will not help them.