Am I just prolonging the inevitable

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So this past weekend, out of the blue, my S.O. of 8 years says she would like to move to another state. I told her due to work, finances, etc. I could not do that at this time. She rephrases and says that she wants to move to another state.

Basically, the story is that an old boyfriend of hers just left his wife. She saw him recently and realized that she still loved him, and has decided that she wants to be with him more than me.

So after agonizing over this news, I basically begged and persuaded her not to leave. After many tears, she decided to stay.

Finally my questions - Should I have talked her into staying? Is this just a band-aid on the big wound that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore (or at least has doubts about it)? Will she resent me for holding her back from what she really wants and start being a bitch to me? Is this going to repeat itself every couple pf months?

I still love her, and don’t want her to go. But knowing how she feels makes me feel like I’m being selfish, like trying to hold a pet that doesn’t want to be held.

Anybody have any advice or experience in this area to share?
Man am I ever depressed right now.

2

Similar situation happened to me about 20 years ago. I talked her into staying but her resentment towards me made life miserable for both of us. She finally just up and left. It made her happy and actually things turned out much better for me.

She called me back about 8 years later, the day after I married my current wife. She said she made a mistake leaving me. I told her I made a mistake by not letting her go sooner. Haven’t heard from her since.

3

xizor :frowning: I think you should let her go and give her the space she needs to explore what she is feeling inside. You cannot make someone love you and she may be staying with you out of guilt because you begged her to stay. It sucks, I’ve been there and you may very well be prolonging the inevitable only time will tell.

4

No one wants to be 2nd best, let her go.

5

wow, rough break there, xizor.

I would say let her go. The fact that she was willing to trash 8 years with you over some guy she used to date, but hasn’t seen in while doesn’t say much for her. I’m afraid she’ll probably do the same again pretty soon, if not with this guy then with someone else.

Good Luck

6

Thank you all for your replies. I totally agree, I think what I needed was to hear it, to push me into action. I am still kind of dazed by the out-of-the-blueness of it all.

7

As Heinlein once put it (sorta), nothing goes bad faster than a spoiled relationship. Unless you believe she said this to test your commitment to her (and even that’s not the sign of a healthy relationship), she’s gone.

8

That really blows, but I’ll have to agree with the others.

Even if she doesn’t get all resenty, she may just be looking for ways out.

9

should you? Well, you already did and she’s still with you for the time being, which I’d view as a good sign. If she wants to save her marriage, then she (both of you?) has to be willing to work at it, which means she has to stop chasing rainbows with this other blast from her past. She most likely doesn’t love him, but sees him as a band-aid for whatever is happening with her and you.

I can’t tell you what will happen, but, I think she needs to figure out why she’s thinking about throwing eight years of her life with you, away on a quick meet and hankerings after some old boyfriend. She needs to be honest with herself, and also with you. Why is she unhappy? My guess is that whatever she has been feeling, has been festering for some time.

hrm. Well, sneaking off to meet this man suggests to me that she is being a bitch to you, no? How would she feel if the roles were reversed?

If she has stopped loving you, and really loves this other man (just call me a cynic, but he’s not going to be the same bloke now that she feel in love with before, is he?) then there’s nothing you are going to be able to say or do that will stop her: she’ll either go with him, or she won’t. If she wants to stay with you and work out her / your problems, then she will. If she wants to not be with him, and not be with you either, then you’re either looking at a loveless marriage, or a divorce.

You can ask a million people and have a million different responses: you need to ask your wife why she’s doing what she’s doing, and she needs to be honest about it - none of this wishy washy “oh I don’t know what I want” crap. Only you two will know if your marriage is worth saving.

Just my perspective, for what it’s worth. I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time at the moment, but I do wish you the best in however it turns out.

10

If you love something, set it free.

If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it.

11

feel?! *fell, even.

bah.

sorry for the typo.

12

The only way I would advise continuing to remain together is if the two of you go for couples counseling; you need to be able to deal with that threat to leave you and what that’s done to you, and she needs to figure out her priorities. As someone else said, she was at least for a short time - and probably might still be - willing to trash what she’d had with you for this other guy.

If you’re amenable, suggest it to her. But it will require dedication from both of you to go to counseling.

13

From the female point of view, my SO and I had problems (he didn’t realize we had problems)after nine years together. An old friend came into town and said he was getting divorced. We spent time together and realized we had feelings for each other. The SO and I had been lousy for a long time. I finally told him I thought it was time for me to go. This nightmare went on for a couple months (and believe me, it got much worse than I’m going into here). He begged me and cried and pleaded – and asked me to marry him. I didn’t believe he really wanted to, so he picked up the phone and booked a flight to Vegas. That night. We married and will celebrate our 6th anniversary next month.

I know that may sound insane (it certainly did to ME!), but it’s possible to work it out.

14

I agree with the counseling idea IF you two are both committed to a healthy relationship. If either of you cannot commit to counseling to help strengthen the relationship, then it is probably putting off the inevitable

15

xizor
I think the question to ask is less what should I have done but more really, how do I feel about her?

I can tell you that in even the healthiest and happiest of relationships, it is sometimes tough when you start thinking back to what might have been…I can’t say for sure as I don’t know you or her personally, but she may just be going through a down time and need your support.

As a woman, I know that often when I start doubting my own judgement I will sometimes test my limits, to see if I’m being unreasonable. She may have been looking to you to reassure her that her life with you is worth something. That doesn’t necessarily mean that she will be happier if she leaves.

It definitely sounds like she is in need of some support, therapy, or both. You sound like a wonderful man, and it may be that she feels she doesn’t deserve you.

However, you might want to rethink what your feelings for her really are. After 8 years of being comfortable, you can lose touch with who you are. I think you owe it to yourself to do some soul searching.

16

Poor bebe, you’re going to have to let her go. She’ll always wonder what could have been with this other guy if you don’t.

17

What makes it double-suck is that now there is no possible way I can enjoy the holiday season.

18

Xizor, maybe you can ask her to mull it over until after the holidays. It might be easier for her that way, too. Both of you may have a different outlook by next month. It’s worth a try.

19

Personally:

Dump her.

It doesn’t sound like she was upfront with what she was planning on doing. Lets face it, she just said she was leaving and leaving it up to you to figure out that things were over. Doesn’t speak well for how she treats people.

Add to the fact that she just learned someone she used to date is now available and want to go try him out… I’d dump her cold on the spot. Her planning that says that she doesn’t value the relationship she currently has, and will go out on a whim to try something else. It says to me, this will happen again and personally, I’d rather some other sucker goes through it rather than me.

Then again my personal experiences have jaded me. And, I expect to be treated the same way in a relationship as I treat whomever I’m dating. From what you’ve said I’d have given her enough time to pack, tell her never to speak to me again and go get drunk.

Some guy appears back in her life after 8+ years and she wants to go running after him? Odds are, she’ll do the same thing again.

Whatever you do, good luck.

20

You know, one of the saddest times in my life was realizing that my then significant other (now husband) had to take a break from “us” to realize what we had. It is hard to describe, but the closer we became, the more I knew it would have to end if we were going to move to another level. So, it ended and we got back together – happily married for over a year. It sounds so hokey, but it’s true – sometimes you just have to let people go. They will come back if it was meant to be. And you will be in a place in your heart to take them back, if it was meant to be.

Best,

Igloo