The co-worker is hot for you because you are “unavailable”.
As soon as you call off your wedding to be with her, she will lose interest in you.
Your “friend” really isn’t your friend. Also, she’s a nut. No, really… she’s nuts. She knows what’s right for you? Her friends, and everyone in the office agrees? Yeh, righto. :dubious: Cite, please? 
Seriously. If you leave your SO for this chick, I guarantee it’ll fizzle in a matter of months. I give it three months, tops. And I also guarantee your SO will not take you back. No way.
If it was me, I’d stay with my SO, explain to her what’s going on (as you have done), and it will eventually subside. And you and your SO really need to work on keeping that “in love” thing alive. You don’t want to end up a “bed death” statistic.
What I would do, without hesitation, is to tell the “friend” to fuck off. If she keeps coming on to you, punch her in the tit*. That’ll sort her out.
Max.
- Do not punch her in the tit. If you do this, I will deny ever suggesting it.
Can you say, “Power Play”? What kind of person moves in on someone she knows is married (or as good as) and tries to pry him away from his wife? And why would you want to give up on a long-term committed relationship (which apparently was happy until this other woman got into it) for someone who would do such a thing? Someone who has so little respect for you as to disregard your decisions and try to undermine them.
From your OP it sounds as if you would have married some time ago if you’d had the money. You refer to your SO as your wife. What would you have done if you had already been married for several years when this coworker came on to you? Would you still be reconsidering your relationship? For all intents and purposes you are married. Why would you throw that away for someone who would treat marriage and commitment so lightly? Who knows what she might do if you start something with her?
Sounds like she’s in it for the thrill of the conquest, actually.
Uhhh, don’t you mean *pinch * her in the tit?
:eek:
Oh will that make her even hotter for the OP?
Actually, there’s no real difference between what’s happening here and what might happen in, say, six months’ time, after you’ve tied the knot. These situations are precisely why the ‘forsaking all others’ clause is in the marriage vows (or at least they used to be) - it is acknowledged that you will fancy other people from time to time, but it doesn’t mean you should act on it.
I think what Venoma said bears repeating, in big letters:
This, I think, is the most important sentence. What specifically was she talking about? Is this just talk or were there ways in which your fiancee treats you which you dislike? Get specifics and run them by unbiased observers - friends will see things they dislike in your relationship but may not speak up unless you ask them point blank. Answering this question will tell you if you are unconsciously trying to get out of a bad relationship or actually in a good relationship and merely attracted by a new prospect.
Gamaliel raises a good question. I wondered about this comment and did not see any clarification. This may, of course, be your “friend’s” opinion only or perhaps you see some truth here and thus the intense confusion.
I agree with the comments made above regarding feelings of infatuation and fireworks v. feelings of trust and love for a long-time partner. What is going on with you sounds like a classic case…except there is no real explanation of why people think your relationship with your SO is not good for you. Maybe it is because it is not there or maybe it is because you don’t want to think about it.
I think it is best not to make any big changes in your life when you are totally conflicted, regardless of whether or not there is an accepted explanation as there appears to be in your case. Consider postponing your marriage to sort these conflicts out. It would be nice if you could do this away from your friend but this may be impossible considering that you work with her.
I also encourage counseling; a combination of individual for you and couples for you and your SO.
Good luck.
I have nothing original to add here, but I think the voice of reason should ring as loud as posssible for you, since you are so genuinely confused, so I’m chiming in.
At the outset of a relationship, or a potential one, there is major lust, excitement, what I call the “love buzz”. It’s a wonderful, magical feeling. It’s caused by major neurochemical changes involving the serotonin (5-HT) transporter system in the brain. link My point is it’s a TEMPORARY phenomenon. Think back to your early courtship of your wife. You felt it then, didn’t you? But then it went away, probably within 6 months. Just like it will with your co-worker. It WON’T LAST - biochemically, it never can.
What does last is the truer, deeper stuff - cameraderie, comfort, trust, security, companionship. To still have that with someone after 10 years is to be truly blessed. If that’s what you have with your wife then I would do anything to be in your shoes. How you could even think of throwing that away on the chance that you could be even happier with someone else you don’t know very well is beyond me. Once the lust has worn off, you’ll be starting totally from square one. And it may work forever with your co-worker or it may not - you don’t know. It may take years to know for sure either way. (Presuming it doesn’t just fizzle after the 6 months it takes of the “love buzz” to wear off.) That’s one hell of a gamble.
And what you do know about her doesn’t bode well. She was selfish enough to sabotage your contentment with your wife to begin with. Unless you really are being ill-treated by your wife… More details would be helpful here. Even so, a true friend would have stuck to pointing the abuse out rather than trying to tempt you into her bed as well. And remember that the odd argument with your wife does not a verbally abusive relationship make. Surely if your wife was really abusive you would have woken up to it after 10 years, or a friend or family member would have intervened by now. The fact that your wife is holding it together and still wants to marry you despite knowing you lust after someone else I think shows real fortitude and faith on her part. Real love. Don’t be a fool and throw that away. Please.
If you’ve invested a lot of money into your up-and-coming nuptuals then I don’t think it’s impossible for you to sort this out in your head in 11 days. Not if you have a close friend who really knows you and the dynamics of your relationship with your wife to tell you straight whether she treats you well or not? If the answer is yes, then do what the rest of us do when we lust after someone other than our partner - acknowledge you feel that way, then sublimate it until the feeling passes. Which it will.
But if you really can’t sort yourself out in the next 11 days, postpone the wedding and get counselling with your wife. Talk to your family and friends about this dilemma. Ask your co-worker to back up her assertions about your marriage. Sleep on it for a few months. It sounds like your wife would tolerate this (although many wouldn’t). Don’t enter into a legal marriage you’re not committed to. Your wife won’t thank you for lying your way through your vows.
Good luck.
The co-worker is bad news. Get away from her ASAP. At the least, she’s a selfish asshole who’s intentionally trying to ruin your 10-year relationship with the woman you intend to marry. At worst, she may be a totally insane nutcase. Once you get over the nutcase infatuation, tell your manager or HR that you’re being sexually harrassed by this person so they can keep her away from you.
Just to try and put your mind at ease with this, I’d wager that if you cancel the wedding (which you should), she’ll be settled and happy in five years or so while you will still be kicking yourself.
In my opinion, if your “friend” were truly a friend and was concerned by problems she saw in your relationship with your fiancee, she would have spoken up about those when she first felt comfortable enough as your friend to do so. A friend would not point the problems out to you and then hit on you, and continue to hit on you. This woman is manipulating you and is not your friend. Yes, she may genuinely like you and be attracted to you, but she wants you more as a trophy because you’re unobtainable than as an equal partner in a relationship. I think that if you were to leave your fiancee for this woman, she’d manipulate you a bit more, quickly lose interest, and leave you miserable in no time at all.
Wow, what a tough situation. Here’s my two cents:
First of all, passion is not something that is your current girlfriend’s sole responsibility. It’s yours also. Take it as a sign of her attraction and love for you that, despite you dropping a bomb on her, she’s still trying.
So you’re confused. Welcome to the long ass line of confused people out there. It’s funny that I found myself in a similar situation shortly after getting married. It didn’t help that it came during a remarkably stressful time in my own relationship with my wife. But after examining my feelings about my wife, our relationship, and the commitment I made to her I discovered that a lot of the problem was with me, not her.
As for your friend, not to put too fine a point on it, tell her to fuck off. What she did to you was unfair and stupid. If she felt this way about you she should have opened her mouth long before the wedding date was set. Even if you decide that a wedding to your current girlfriend is not what you want you should avoid any type of relationship with your “friend.”
Also, people who are getting married often get the jitters. God knows I did. I think that even if your friend hadn’t done what she did you’d be thinking about your relationship pretty deeply. It’s remarkably easy to see this new woman and think to yourself “She’s what I want/need/desire!” You found that out for yourself. It’s a little tougher to figure out that the grass is rarely greener.
Finally let me say that passion, while great, doesn’t hold a candle to long term, steady commitment.
First off, let me agree with all the brilliant minds here who are saying that your co-worker is a manipulative bitch. So, the infatuation you used to feel for your fiancee is gone? BFD! It happens to every single long term relationship! Yup, the initial blast of lust wears off. If there’s nothing underneath the lust, the relationship usually ends. However, if there’s affection and respect, the relationship can continue, and even get better. Do you feel affection and respect for your fiancee? You must, if after ten years together you still wanted to marry her as recently as a month ago. Do you feel affection for your co-worker? Maybe; you said she was your friend before all this started; but what about respect? I don’t see how you could feel respect for this woman after all of this. What that means is that if you break up with your fiancee in favor a relationship with the co-worker, as soon as the infatuation and lust wear off, you’ll have no relationship.
You need to get your act together now! Also, if you decide to stay with your fiancee, don’t be surprised if it takes some time for her to fully trust you again; you’ve been unfaithful, at least emotionally, and she knows it. You will have to work hard and patiently to earn her trust back. Let her know that for her, you’re willing to do whatever it takes.
Best of luck!
Oh, btw, SHAKES, it wasn’t obvious to me that you were just joking. Sometimes things don’t come across very well in writing.
I think you should cancel the weding. Not so you can go off and bang that psycho bitch at work, but to prevent your fiancee from marrying a <MPSIMS inappropriate word removed>!
Why would you “tell your ‘future’ wife about your feelings”? Do you think she’s going to be all understanding like “gee honey…I respect that you want to go out there and hook up with other women”?
If you want to break up, break up. It sucks, but it happens
If you want to cheat on your fiancee, cheat on your fiancee. But at least have the courtesy to keep it from her. If you feel you must tell her to relieve your guilt…well…that’s what death beds are for.
And just for the record, your coworker doesn’t sound like the type that you would be able to have a nice, quiet, discreet fling with.
Do you think maybe your ‘friend’ has made a bet with all those co-workers who also ‘think you shouldn’t get married’? And could it be that your ‘friend’ is hopeful of being able to boast later, “I made him cheat on his wife!” Is it possible she’s just testing her powers of persuasion – to assure herself that she’s still got it?
You certainly shouldn’t “discuss” this with your ‘friend,’ but I agree with others who say she’s not really a friend. But that ol’ sex drive is a powerful thing, isn’t it? The only thing that has worked for me when I was determined not to stray was removing myself from the situation (person). Difficult, but a whole lot easier than doing all that resisting when in their presence.
Hope you’ll let us know how your situation works out. Good luck to you.
I can’t begin to thank you all enough. You really have had a very powerful input to my mind, and I have taken all of your advice to heart. I also spoke to my Mom, my Brother, my Pastor about all of this. They all had the same things to say that all of you have said.
This morning I talked to the woman at work and I have told her I want to stop all of the ‘outside of friendship’ feelings between us. She told me that she will stop flirting with me, and she now knows that I don’t want her in that way anymore. We are going to try to be friends, and I have offered to pay for some of the expense for her to go through Great Expectations (a service to find her a single man to be with). The important thing is that I have also started to really believe in my own mind that I don’t want her outside of a friend. I have no doubt that things are going to be OK from this point out.
My fiance still wants to marry me, we talked at length about it. And so the wedding is going to go forward. When I think about who I see with me in 40 years it’s my fiance, not this other woman. At this point I’m sure that we will be together ‘till death do us part’. If nothing else, this woman has shown me that there is still some things that I need to work on with my wife. We are both going to put that work into our relationship, so that this will be less likely to happen to us again.
Again, thank you all for saving my marriage and my future.
“This above all; To thine own self be true.”
You need to figure out where you stand. Who do you want to be with and why? If you don’t know that then either course of action is setting yourself up for a fall later. A lot of people have given advice in this thread about choosing one over the other. I disagree. I think you have to stop and listen to what your heart is telling you and then make a decision. The committment you are looking to make deserves the soul searching and tough introspection necessary to make sure you are sure about who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Enjoy,
Steven
I’d strongly recommend trying to evaluate your feelings for your fiance as independantly as possible from the situation with your co-worker. The question really is “Do you want to marry your fiance?” not “Do you want to marry your fiance more than you want to explore the possibilities with your co-worker?”
It begins and ends with how you feel about the woman you’re already with. If you don’t love her to the ends of the earth, and feel like she’s your life’s partner, you shouldn’t even be thinking about getting married in the first place. Take your co-worker out of the equation. Make one decision at a time.
Congratulations and good luck.
This is a very important paragraph, especially the part where you still need to work on the relationship. Don’t forget it in the post-ceremony “ah, it’s all over” feelings. Both you and your fiancee will still have unresolved feelings about this, and they have to be addressed, hopefully with the help of a professional.
I get those feelings of “wow!” for other men now and then, but when I think about my husband and everything we’ve been through together, and how special he is, then those feelings don’t matter so much. Every relationship hits rocks in the road, it’s how you deal with those situations that counts.
Oh, and I can assure you that nearly every wedding brings on weird stressful feelings. A week before the wedding, my now-husband came home to me sharpening knives with a rather disturbing expression on my face. I’d been notified that we needed a new car insurance company just about immediately (long story involving the company dropping his agent and other stuff on their end) and that my sister’s maid-of-honor dress had a hemline that was way over her knees (no it wasn’t, my mom was seeing things through mom-POV about her “baby” daughter that weren’t the case).
I wish you two the best.