Please, someone tell me this is a bad idea.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Okay, here’s the deal: as pointed out in this thread, I am newly single after an eight-month relationship, which was, incidentally, my first serious romantic involvement ever. Me and the ex (call her Helen) parted on friendly and civil terms, made easier by the fact that she’s in Europe and I’m in the States. I was hurt as hell at first; I lost ten pounds in the span of a month (unhealthy in the extreme, I know) and could not sleep for anything. But I feel much better now, since me and Helen talked it over last week, while making it abundantly clear to each other that we were done for good, but also that no hard feelings were felt on either side. So, I’m feeling rather good right now, having thrown myself full-bore into my fledgeling social life and having made wonderful grades on my final exams.

The day before yesterday, a long-time friend of mine (we’ll call her Joan) broke up with her boyfriend of five months (we’ll call him Rob). Rob was not the most responsible or thoughtful of fellows, and Joan had told me she was looking for a way out of this relationship for the last two months or so. We had been mutual confidantes, and Joan was the first person I called when I got back to the States after breaking up with my ex, and she’s been a wonderful help to me in getting over Helen.

I returned the favor last night, when she invited me over to her place after work. Me, Joan and a couple of her friends sat around, watched movies and consumed intoxicants. Joan, observing that I was rather drunk and weary, offered to let me spend the night (though our apartments are only five minutes’ walk from each other). Now, me and Joan had a long-standing mutual attraction and affection in the past, but nothing ever came of it, and last night, I had the feeling that she was throwing hints at me like lawn darts.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I am deeply attracted to her. She’s a wonderful woman, and she’s got a heart of gold, and I will not lie by saying that I’m not considering making romantic overtures to her in the foreseeable future. But I know this is a hugely stupid idea, and I feel it would be healthy and sane to wait out a few months and enjoy being single while it lasts. The situation is made ever more complicated by the fact that me, Joan and Rob work in the same small restaurant (where such dramas are hardly rare), and I am friends with both parties.

I feel I need some sense slapped into me. I am a foolish and naïve young man, and could use a little sage advice here.

2

I think you said it all yourself, honestly. Joan is not a throw-away girl to simply screw because you’re newly single and lonely. You would be doing both of yourselves a disfavor if you began a relationship in this manner.

Also, I can’t imagine your relationship with Rob lasting very long once it’s obvious that you and Joan are in a relationship- since it sounds like SHE broke up with HIM. How important is this friendship to you? He’s probably hurting over it, and would be very upset were a friend of his to jump Joan less than a week after she ended it with him.

That being said, you can also tell Joan the truth. Say, Joan, I really like you, but I don’t want you to become just a cheap rebound to me- if we ever did get involved, I want it to be for the right reasons. I think we should be friends for right now and see how things develop when we’ve both given our breakups a little bit of time.

Of course, this also relies strongly upon your self-restraint. Dunno about your history of success with that sort of thing.

Also consider the fact that, were she not practically jumping into your arms, maybe you wouldn’t be feeling as strongly about her as you do? Perhaps part of her appeal right now is that she’s flattering you a great deal and we’re most susceptible to this sort of flattery right after someone else rejects us.

3

If you don’t want to turn Joan into a quick rebound relationship, quit drinking with her.

4

Well, what do YOU want to do? What kind of guy do you want to be?

You could just bang Joan with the understanding that there is no commitment, stated or implied. You take the chance of workplace drama. Then again, you’re in school and it’s not a real job.

You could continue being the “nice guy” in the “friend” role. Of course, we will then expect about a dozen more frustrated threads over the next few months about you and this girl you drink with and all the shoulda, coulda, wouldas.

You could actually date Joan and try to have a real relationship. If you like her and you both are single, that’s Rob’s problem if he can’t handle it.

Or you can simply not date within your circle of friends and workplace.

5

As my last marriage broke up, I met the woman I want to be with for the rest of my life. Nearly 5 good years so far, it’s been great. Yes, I wish I’d had some go-wild single time between relationships, but you don’t get to pick when these things happen.

You’re attracted to her, you think she’s attracted to you. The timing may not be perfect, but neither of you are in other relationships at the moment and this opportunity may never occur again in your lifespans. Go for it.

6

I have to agree with Askance. Most people spend more time regretting the relationships they didn’t have than the ones they did.

7

True.

This is another thing that’s troubling me, but me and Rob are better described as acquaintances who occasionally get drunk together with other friends. I can face his ire. My friendship with Joan is much stronger, and this makes it a much thornier issue. Make a wrong move, and I could lose two friends.

This sounds the most reasonable of all the other options, and the whole ‘telling the truth’ thing is the course of action I’m going with at present.

As for self-restraint, I’ve got it in spades; if I were simply looking to take advantage of Joan for my own crass ends, I could have done so by now. We’ve been drunk, stoned and alone together, and she offered to let me spend the night. Could have been my chance to make a move on her, but as you said, if me and Joan were to get together, I’d want it to be for better reasons than mere opportunity, aided by intoxicants.

Hence my caution.

8

Rock on, Daddy-O! Ya both want it, go for it! Jesus, live while you can, man. Who knows, it might work out all okay. If not, no harm in a little mutual “comfort” for the time being.

Stop thinking with the big head! :wink:

9

Why is it stupid? You like her, she likes you, and I don’t think you are going to do the “screw and dump”.

Talk to her about it. Ask her “hey, what would you think about going on a real date?”