I’ve been a pretty-much absentee Doper since I retired back in 2003. You’d think it would be the opposite, but The SDMB got me through a lot of long work days, and when I retired I found other internet interests. I’ve kept in touch with many of you through LiveJournal and FaceBook, though.
The last few years have been very hard. My sister and I inherited facioscapulohumeral muscular dystrophy from our father. I left my job in '03 at age 29 as it was harder for me to breathe and pull my own weight. In July 2008 I aspirated some ice tea and found myself in ICU needing a tracheotomy. My pulmonologist had been pushing me for years to consider it, and then it was do or die time.
Earlier this year, my mom died of kidney failure. Shortly after, I was diagnosed with strep pneumonia. For almost 5 months I’ve fought it, going through three rounds of antibiotics to no avail. It’s colonized. I also have a colonized staph infection in my lungs. Lord knows what else has colonized. Sometimes, there’s so much pain and blood, I don’t know how much longer I can go on.
I think I’m dying. I don’t want to die, but I’m tired of suffering. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I just found Shirley Ujest’s thread on the passing of her last brother, and all I see is my future, and it is very bleak and frightening.