Points of etiquette only you, apparently, follow

In My Humble Opinion
21

I had a hard time with the handshake rule as well. I was taught that it was up to me to offer, yet often men stick their hand out and I feel obligated.

Recently, I met an (devout Islamic) friends fiance. She is quite a sweetheart and so I offered my hand and was embarrassed to learn he couldn’t for religious reasons. That was awkward, I would have appreciated a kind aside beforehand as she had told me she was bringing him to meet. As a result it is unlikely I will offer my hand to anyone I have reason to think is Islamic again.

I adhere to the introduction rule mentioned by rancinchikki and Caricci as well and I would know what was up with BrotherCadfael and be grateful and impressed but not mention it.

22

My husband walks on the traffic side of the sidewalk too. :slight_smile:

Now, this don’t-shake-a-woman’s-hand thing: I’ve never heard of this either. But come to think of it, I can’t really recall shaking anyone’s hand, male or female, as a social greeting.

As a business greeting, however, hand-shaking seems to be the done thing for both sexes, in my experience. Interesting.

23

I am definitely the only person in Dublin who follows the “stand to the right, walk to the left” rule.

24

Yow, and I thought my manners were obsessive! Now I know the new handshake rule. Because I’m in the military, “rank walks on the right” translates easily to “protect your female acquaintances from traffic” (with the assumption that gender equates to social rank). Because my dad was military, I have a certain amount of fixation on sitting and standing manners, which parallel the military’s rules on when to stand at attention.

I remain standing at the table until the hostess, the female companions of my elders, my own female companion, and all other females are each seated. If I see a female seat herself before the hostess, then I assume she doesn’t follow the rule, and only extend the courtesy to her if it doesn’t inconvenience or embarrass her. Likewise, if a woman putters around in her purse for five minutes before sitting (a lady knows better!), then I’ll seat myself with the general party to avoid embarrassing her.

I stand when a female comes to the table, but unless it’s a very formal dinner, I remain seated for women who excuse themselves to go get a butter dish or head to the powder room.

The standing and sitting also applies to handshakes (never offer a handshake from a seated position unless absolutely unavoidable) and conversations (if a new party approaches a seated conversation, stand to include him or her until you can find him or her a seat; if none is available, offer your own).

And of course, when entering an office or a home (or any room that is not your own), one should stand until offered a seat.

Am I leaving anything out?

25

I have heard of a variant of this, in which (in large cities where panhandling is a problem) the gentleman walks on the building side so as to shield the lady from panhandlers.

When driving through a parking lot looking for a place to park, I drive until I find an empty space. If somebody is walking to his car, I do not stop and block traffic for everybody else while I wait. I won’t even stop and wait if they’re in their cars–the only times I stop are for a car that’s backing out, an empty space, or because some jackass ahead of me has stopped in the middle of the lane waiting for people to make space.

Oftentimes I pass these people, and get funny looks from them, and then find my parking space before theirs clears out, and walk past their car, still blocking traffic, on my way into the store…

26

How about the one that says it’s never polite to make someone else uncomfortable? This means that leaping ahead and cutting me off so you can be the one to open the door, interrupting the conversation so you can get on the “correct” side of the sidewalk, taking my coat from me so that you can try to stuff me into it, and getting angry if I occasionally attempt to pay for everything or split the check are NOT polite things to do.

I hate, hate, HATE gender-specific etiquette. However, I am quite willing to forgive its practitioners if they go about it in a way that doesn’t actually make things more inconvenient and difficult for me.

27

Well, yes, ideally we (guys) should be able to do these things in as unobtrusive a manner as possible, with a subtlety that doesn’t bring attention to the fact that we’re trying to be thoughtful. Some guys, I think, make a big show of getting the door for a woman or manhandling her coat because they think it’ll chalk up points on the attraction meter. Wow, he offered me his seat! I must boff him right here on the bus.*

*if only

28

I know the silly ritual that goes with presenting a bottle of wine to a customer in a restaurant, and I know the customer is supposed to look at, not sniff, the cork.

Here’s how it goes:

[ul]
[li]Show the bottle to the customer. If it’s what he ordered, he’ll nod. Note: the paying customer, not necessarily the man.[/li][li]Cut off the wrapper and remove the cork.[/li][li]Hand the cork to the customer. He’ll look at it to see that it matches the label.[/li][li]If you’ve left a piece of cork in the wine, pour that off first.[/li][li]Pour a little wine in the customer’s glass. He’ll swirl it around to see the texture, then sniff the “bouquet,” then taste it. If OK, he’ll nod.[/li][li]Pour wine for the rest of the table, then fill up the customer’s glass.[/li][/ul]

The reason you look at the cork? Dishonest innkeepers, long ago, would refill expensive bottles with cheap wine. A mismatched cork or a corkless bottle might signal fraud.

There’s a couple more dance steps if the joint has a real wine steward.

That’s a mere sample of the store of useless info in my skull. :stuck_out_tongue:

29

I think I’m probably the only guy I know that actually tries to be quiet when taking a pee. Most guys sound like they’re trying to bore a hole in the bottom of the toilet!

See the little bit of porcelain just under the rim and above the water? Aim there. It’s quiet. We’re all quite impressed that you have the ability to assist in large scale forest fires, just don’t make us listen to your man-hose at full pressure. Sheesh.

30

What are you talking about? I have never heard anyone else’s personal bathroom noises, and neither have you. :wink:

Re: wine: I’m not much of a wine person, but the wine steward’s ritual has always struck me as ridiculously pretentious. Especially the bit where the customer carefully sniffs the bouquet, tastes the wine, and ponders a bit while deciding if it’s acceptable. Ugh. Princess/pea. I’m under the impression that the real purpose of wine-tasting is merely to see if it’s gone bad, which is not a hard call – if it’s bad, you won’t be able to force it down your throat.

What are you going to do, anyway, if the wine isn’t up to your standards (assuming it hasn’t gone bad?) The bottle’s already open and unsaleable – who would have the gall to send it back at that point? (Don’t answer that; I’m sure it happens all the time :smack: )

31

I agree that gender-specific etiquette can be annoying. I have never figured out how to get into a coat that someone else is holding. Why don’t you hold my purse, instead, so I have both hands free to deal with the coat myself?

Having said that, sometimes in a crowded restaurant when I am feeling flustered, I start to feel absolutely sure that the waiter should NOT be allowed to talk to me. All communication should be through the man/men. Do not bother the ladies. Don’t you DARE approach the table when the men are not there.

32

My boyfriend is the only person I know who can help me into my coat in a way that actually makes it easier for the coat to go on. I have no idea how he does it, but it’s the greatest thing ever. I’m not sure WHY it’s the greatest thing ever, but it is.

… Huh. I guess I can only hope that you never train waiters at any restaurant I ever go to. If someone asked my boyfriend what I wanted while I was RIGHT THERE, I’d probably cut the tip in half on the first offense and ask for a manager on the second, unless there was some extenuating circumstance like my not being able to speak the language or having laryngitis. How the hell is my boyfriend supposed to know if I changed my mind about having the soup thirty seconds ago?

33

Indeed, I find it greatly offensive when a waitron ignores me and expects the man present to do all the talking.

34

Hehe, I have my own little ritual. I always work my way to the front to open the door, and if possible hold it open for as many people as possible, just to buy some time. Then I slowly wander toward the table so that all the women are seated by the time I arrive, so I can sit after them, without ever making it obvious. If it’s a sit and wait before being seated situation it becomes more difficult to create the time differential when the call comes. With any luck there will be a waiter or waitress heading toward and intersection so I can play the “go first, no you go first” game for a couple seconds. And yes I hate the “play in their purse for 5 minutes thing” as well, usually when I see this coming, I make an excuse about needing to wash my hands first, and go to the bathroom.

35

I know one man who gets up from the dinner table whenever a woman at the table gets up. Seems a bit anachronistic to me. However, I do appreciate having my chair pulled out for me.

In other dining etiquette, I was taught never to push my plate away when I’m finished with my meal. Also, to place my napkin in my lap immediately upon being seated and to leave it in my lap after I’m through eating (rather than tossing it on my plate or on the table in a soiled heap).

36

My life is very casual. I had never heard of some of these “rules” and I thought the standing at the table when a female enters was only done in victorian times.

The handshake thing would PISS ME OFF. I’m just as important of a person as the male I happen to be with. I expect to be extended the exact same courtesy as he is, no more and no less. You better offer to shake my hand, or I’ll think you’re a sexist asshole. Period.

You should sniff the cork to a wine bottle, proper or not. If the bottle was improperly corked, molds can form, ruining the wine. If the cork is grey or smells like cardboard, it’s going to be bad wine. If I spend $50 on a bottle of wine in a restaurant, I will absolutely send it back if it’s the wrong wine (this happened with an inexperienced server recently… he didn’t offer the second bottle’s label or cork to us and we later realized it was the wrong wine. If I chose incorrectly (say I got a sweeter wine than expected or something), then I drink it and I don’t get it next time. Don’t be afraid to take a bad bottle of wine back to the liquor store, either. They will accept it and offer you a replacement. If they don’t, get a new liquor store.

I think all the girls are weak and must be protected stuff is outdated and unnecessary. Ardred always lets me go first, which can get on my nerves, but I let him, because it makes him feel chivalrous and a happy Ardred means a happy FilmGeek.

Rereading: I’m with Elfbabe.

37

I’d like it if people could just hold that door for a sec instead of letting it go right before I get to it. It’s just so rude! Would it kill ya to hold it for three seconds so that I don’t have to have it fall on me? And really, if I’m carrying a bag or walking with my child it would be especially helpful. I do this on a continuous basis, and I am constantly amazed at those who do not.

And please, do not try to have a conversation with me in the ladies room. A simple, “Hello” is fine, but I do not want to be asked about anything or discuss anything in the freaking bathroom. I want out of there asap. You can keep me in the hall all day talking, but not in the bathroom!!

38

I have trouble standing so when I get to the table (or whatever) I typically tell the hostess “I need to sit now, OK?” In a perfect world she would sit with me, but that rarely happens.

And because of my difficulties, don’t touch my chair. If you just HAVE to, simply place your hand on the back and I’ll pull it into position. Several times, over-eager waitstaff have scooped me up and shoved me under the table. Not only does it knock me off balance, it makes it very hard to get out from under the table again. If a woman walks in with a cane, she typically needs a little more room than one without.

As a woman (sometimes a lady), I indicate to a man whether or not I want to shake his hand. If I’m sitting, I don’t have to stand to meet someone - not only is it my perogative, it hurts. And if I’m across a huge table, and I give you a little wave and welcome, please either wave back or walk around the table to shake my hand. Don’t make me stretch my short little arm out and still not be able to reach you without standing. Which hurts.

39

One thing only I seem to remember is that a gentleman offers a hand to his lady when she negotiates a step, or dismounts a vehicle, or arises from a dining table.

In fact, when dining out I always make a show of offering my wife a hand when she arises from the meal, and then kissing her when she stands up.

(And now that she’s 6 months preggers, she needs the hand…)

Well, he does it by actually helping rather than standing there like an oversized coathanger.

FOR MEN: HOW TO HELP A LADY DON HER COAT

1 - Get the coat before the lady does. Ideally, you and the coat should be ready before the woman is. Don’t wait so long that the lady has retrieved her own coat and hands it to you for help.

2 - After the lady stands to leave, grab the coat by the collar, at the shoulder seams, and open it. The back of the coat should be facing you. Hold the coat so that the hem does not drag the ground, and present the open coat to her so that your intention to help is clear.

3 - Let the lady turn her back to you. Allow her to decide which arm to put into its sleeve first. Lower the coat and slide that sleeve over her hand. If done right, the lady needs only to stick out her arm, as you will slide the coat onto it. (Hi, Opal!)

4 - Slide the coat up to her elbow, but do not slide it over her shoulder yet. Lower the other shoulder and help her find the other sleeve with her other hand. If she does not turn to find the coat with her other hand, then you should step around to assist her. Again, all she should have to do is put her second hand behind her and you place the sleeve over it.

5 - Pulling on the collar, lift the coat straight up, and place it lightly on her shoulders. If she has long hair, do not drop the coat on her hair, wait for her to lift her hair out from underneath the collar.

6 - Adjust her collar and if necessary, straighten the seams along her shoulders. If her coat has lapels, step around in front of her and adjust them, too.

7 - Brush any lint or dust off of her collar, especially if her coat has fur trim. Even if there is no lint, dust or other debris, spend a moment to adjust her collar and brush her off, just to show her she’s being cared for.

And Dads, when your sons get tall enough, you should insist they help their mother with her coat so that they will have the procedure down when they start dating.

40

I had to explain that one to my husband, but then, he was, I believe, raised by wolves.