of yet another leap into the unknown. Not NYDope, which I will be leaving for soon, but yet another change in my life. Yesterday, I effectively finished my undergraduate career, the only remaining part of which is the formal ceremony next weekend. It’s been a long, strange road to get here and I’ve been reflecting a bit on that recently. I’m 36 years old and yet I feel like a child in so many ways, preparing to take my first baby steps out into the world; I’ve been out in that world before, but it feels like a different person did all those things I did before.
I woke up this morning feeling not relieved but vaguely depressed, probably the result of too many nights of not enough sleep and too much stress. Part of it I think is that I didn’t do nearly as well academically this year as I had hoped and as I’m capable of. I would have blamed it on “senioritis” but I’ve always been prone to procrastination and underachievement.
I did get excited this morning when talking to my sister, because my entire family is coming for commencement and I am really looking forward to that. My family is fantastic and I am so thankful for the support they’ve given me over the years. Too many of my friends come from very dysfunctional families and I am profoundly grateful that I am so close with my siblings and my mother.
Four years ago, I was engaged to a man I thought was Mr. Right, the one I had always dreamed about. That dream turned sour as so many do, he became very critical of me and was not supportive of my going to school full-time as an adult (he thought I should be working full-time and going to school in the evenings because “everyone I know in their 30’s who goes to college does that” rather than make the financial sacrifices and go full-time to get the degree quicker). Our relationship was off-and-on for a good while, and during one of the “off” times I heard about and decided to apply to the women’s college I am about to graduate from. This school has a program for “non-traditional aged” students and sounded very appealing. If I had married that man, I probably never would have come here and very likely would have sold myself very short to appease him.
Instead, I followed my instincts and found myself in the midst of a group of really remarkable women. I had never thought of myself as remarkable, but the more I thought about the huge leap of faith I took in coming here, the more I realized I am indeed remarkable. I have found in myself strength I never knew I had, have developed skills I never knew I possessed, done things I never imagined I could do.
I will be leaving here in another week, to go live with my mother for the summer and then I don’t know where I’m going to live after that. I’ll be going to grad school but not yet. Right now it feels like the world is wide open to me and I’m just waiting to get that signal to tell me where I should go from here. Listening to that voice that told me to come here was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I’ve has some tremendously hard times here and have really struggled at times but I would not have traded these last few years for anything. What comes next? I don’t know, but I can’t wait to find out.
