Politeness in my view should be about showing respect and acceptance to others as equals.
For example, in a social setting, if someone expresses their religious views to me, it’s only polite that I not immediately challenge everything they’ve ever believed. It would be rude to attempt to debate them on it then and there, or even bring up my lack of belief unless they make it the topic of conversation. It’s just one example- it shows that differences are okay and we don’t all have to agree. And that while I’d be happy to debate our different viewpoints, I recognize that not everyone wants their ideas challenged. I don’t want to debate at all times of the day either.
However, regarding “politeness” some use cultural norms as a way of singling out those who are different. They make it into rejecting others and making them unequal, and suggesting they are being disrespectful when all they are doing is living their lives.
The insistence on people saying “Merry Christmas” at their job, if they instead were otherwise polite and wished them “Happy Holidays.” It’s doubtful such insistence is offered during Jewish holy days or Islamic holy days. Much less any other faith. The lack of the specifically Christian message being offered by someone who is probably simply obligated by their employer to offer a generic “wish” on behalf of the company, and are simply repeating words they were trained to say, much like 90% of the rest of their interaction with a customer, shouldn’t be offensive. The person working the job has their own voice censored and the mouthpiece of their employer is offered instead. Yet people get personally offended that there might be people out there offering generic greetings and well-wishes as part of their job, and might not deeply mean what they’re saying, or have control over what they’re supposed to say to customers. And no one gives a crap about the beliefs or lack thereof regarding the person being forced to offer the well-wishes. And people think it’s perfectly fine to yell at and denigrate the worker who has the least power in the exchange and the least freedom to speak their mind.
The rudeness comes from the demand that others conform to your own beliefs or culture, the **demand **that the words that come out of their mouth are only ones you approve of, the self-centered nature of the request, the lack of consideration for the other party, and the utter disrespect shown to a fellow human being just doing their job.
I have little use for automatic, shallow, empty phrase exchanges which are demanded even if not meant, and cause for berating if absent. People complain about political correctness, where minorities are requesting that hateful or ignorant or misinforming speech to be changed to show respect for others, but seem to have no qualms about using politeness or cultural expectation as a cudgel to shame, demean, or ostracize those who are different and have done nothing to cause offense.
Banning “burkinis” at a beach, while nuns and cold-water swimmers are allowed to wear full-body swimming apparel, is another form of this cultural bigotry. It is justified specifically by citing “respect”, that wearing a burkini shows disrespect for the culture and values of those others at the beach. It’s strange to me than in the year 2016, simply being different is an offense that needs state authorities to step in and suppress, because sharing a beach with a Muslim is just a *rude *thing for a Muslim to expect from such a tolerant society.
Another bit of impolite politeness is when dealing with someone in an unequal social situation, like with a bartender or server or lower-ranking employee, does their job, and it is expected that they (the bartender or server or lower-ranking employee) **thank **the person who is in the dominant social position. I ran into this bizarre phenomenon when serving customers who not only didn’t tip, but expected me to thank them for hiring me to do a service for them, followed by their being rude to me, and me not getting paid. I am truly puzzled by people who think that a “thank you” is something you’re entitled to when you’re being a dick to people. Thanks are things which should be freely offered, if you’ve done nothing that warrants a “thank you”, it’s rude to expect such an empty phrase given as a mandatory gift to you, while you offer nothing to prompt it. Expecting a thank-you is reasonable if you’ve done something nice for me, like given me a gift, paid me a compliment, or paid me for services rendered, which shouldn’t be considered a favor, strictly speaking, but I’ll even go that far.
I get peeved when people **insist **that others offer the empty words. If I sneeze, I don’t care and don’t respond if you say any of the standard post-sneeze cultural snippets. They’re empty rituals. I may thank you for it out of a lingering respect for the idea of politeness even though it’s being misapplied here, because I’m trying to not be a dick about the fact that we’re different people, but if I’ve known you for a while, expect me to stop caring if you sneeze. I won’t offer any blessings if you sneeze. I don’t believe in blessings and I don’t believe in perpetuating ritualistic behavior. Is it rude to not conform to an expectation of a performance of a ritual from others who don’t observe the ritual? This isn’t something like refusing to take off shoes when entering someone else’s house, which has a practical purpose, like not tracking dirt or animal shit into your house. This is neutral ground in the real world where you and I are supposed to be equals and my lack of conformity shouldn’t affect you at all. Why are you demanding I behave in a way that repeats your mannerisms or behavioral tics? Why am I not allowed to be my own person?
Further, why is it *not *rude for you to refrain from honoring my viewpoints or cultural differences, when you demand such respect for yours?
If I am not a hugger, or a kisser, or I politely decline to shake hands, why is that rude of me to refuse, but not rude for you to demand? Why is your assumption of cultural superiority and moral authority not considered rude? Why is your lack of tolerance not a problem, but my lack of conformity is?
I get that abstaining from some cultural norms can be rude if done with a lack of tact. But if I am making every effort to be polite and respectful with my different behavior, why do people give *no *effort to be tolerant about those differences?
It seems awfully self-centered of people to assume that other people are the only ones being rude or impolite for not conforming to an idea of politeness that exists in one’s own mind. To insist on respect and tolerance and conformity, but only one-way, while exhibiting no patience, tolerance, or respect for anyone who is different, is remarkably rude.
That is the attitude that actual politeness is meant to address. Politeness is a way of showing respect for others’ differences. It doesn’t work if it only goes one way. And it’s ridiculous to insist on respectful politeness from people who are in an unequal social position who you go out of your way to treat like garbage on a daily basis.
You’re misunderstanding what politeness is. Not saying Merry Christmas, not shaking hands, not wanting to be kissed, not blessing people who sneeze, these are not examples of disrespect. Mocking people for their observance of Christmas, insulting people who just want to shake hands, making fun of people who say “bless you”, ARE examples of disrespect. See the difference? I can be disrespectful if you want.
Not tolerating another person’s lack of adherence to societal norms is the height of rudeness and egotism. To expect that everyone else on earth will conform to you is narcissism of the highest order and goes well beyond rudeness into madness.
