Poll: Someone has died. When is the Wake?

In My Humble Opinion
1

All my life I’ve heard the term “Wake” to mean the viewing before the funeral. That is also the definition given in the dictionary. " A watch over the body of a deceased person before burial, sometimes accompanied by festivity. Also called viewing. " Makes sense since it was originally to make sure the person wasn’t going to wake up in a coffin.

Within the past few years, however, I’ve heard the term “wake” to mean the gathering afterwards several times. They mentioned it on Buffy in season five after Joyce died. It’s used that way by The Devil’s Grandmother in this thread, and it’s popped up elsewhere too.

In this thread here **Enola Straight ** uses it too, and says it’s part of the Irish Catholic tradition. Except that every funeral I’ve ever attended but one has been Irish Catholic or Portuguese Catholic, and they both traditionally hold post-funeral gatherings, and not a single person ever referred to the get together afterwards as the wake, since the wake is before the funeral…no one really calls it anything, except maybe “gathering”.

Since it strikes my ears so strangely (not that it means users are wrong, of course), it makes me wonder if perhaps it’s a regional thing. Or maybe a “new” term connected perhaps to a recent trend for secular post-funeral gatherings. Or not.

So here’s the poll:

  1. What part of the funeral activities do you consider the wake?

  2. Where are you from?

  3. If you call the gathering a wake now, did you grow up doing so, or is it a more recent addition to your funeral vocabulary?

  4. In your experience, are funerals followed by any sort of gathering to talk about the dead and celebrate (although, they’re often grim affairs) their lives?

2

1. The wake is before the burial and is synonymous with viewing.

**2. **Tennessee, United States

3. It’s a viewing in my vocabulary but I understand wake when others call it a wake.

4. I don’t remember for two of the funerals (my grandmother and my best friend’s grandfather’s) but for one of my friend’s brother’s funeral, about a dozen of us, including the brother of the deceased, hung out the rest of the day, had dinner, and then splintered into smaller groups afterwards.

The group I was with included the bereaved and two others and we drove around, listening to music, talking, and remembering him.

3
  1. What part of the funeral activities do you consider the wake?

It’s the get together the night/day before the funeral. The body if possible is present*

  1. Where are you from?
    Dublin, Ireland. Catholic family (duh)

  2. If you call the gathering a wake now, did you grow up doing so, or is it a more recent addition to your funeral vocabulary?
    Grew up using it.

  3. In your experience, are funerals followed by any sort of gathering to talk about the dead and celebrate (although, they’re often grim affairs) their lives?
    Yep that’s done as well. Back to the house/pub for food and drink and more stories / music. A funeral can be a 2/3 day affair over here. Not always but sometimes.
    *The most recent wake I was at was that of my Grandmother. She was laid out in her bed and the family and friends stayed up most of the night talking, drinking, sharing stories about her. Family members played her favourite songs on the tin whistle and fiddle and we sang along. Some stayed up all night with her. She was then removed from the house in her coffin but she went through the window as for some reason which I don’t know it’s bad if they go out the door. This was an old school wake. Most are just big piss ups with stories etc the night before.

I also know of two people who had living wakes i.e. They were going to die very shortly of cancer and didn’t want to miss out on meeting old friends and miss the big piss up in their honour so organized it before they died and attended.

4

1.) What’s called a wake by one of my families (I have two - parental divorce and all that) begins as soon as the second person gets there and lasts 4 or 5 days, usually winding down after the memorial service. We’re crematin’ sorts, so there is no burial. Scattering of ashes takes place as soon as convenient. Activities involve a gathering of the clan, alcohol, food, everyone staying at the deceased’s home and visitation from friends. Despite the fact that such occasions always involve a hit on the roster, I tend to remember them in a good light. I don’t know if that’s what everybody else calls a wake, but that’s what we call the aforementioned activities.

2.) Southeast Texas

3.) I was mostly grown up when I acquired this family

4.) We don’t do funerals, but I have been to funerals for non-family members that are often followed by a gathering at someone’s home where, while not neccesarily dominating conversation, the deceased will undoubtably come up.

5

I’m not Irish Catholic by any stretch of the imagination, but after looking over this thread again, I’ll mention that my acquired family mentioned above are all redheads with the surname “Shannon” (I’m not a Shannon by name - brunette-headed stepchild, perhaps?). Did I mention alcohol?

6

  1. My family doesn’t call any kind of funeral gathering a wake, but there’s a definite subset of such gatherings I would refer to as such: it’s before the funeral, and the body is present. I associate it the word with Catholic funerals.

  2. I’m from central Maryland, and was raised Presbyterian. Sorta.

  3. The gathering before the funeral is a viewing or a visitation, depending upon the state of the casket (i.e. open or closed). You get many more people here than at the funeral or the gathering after the funeral, as you get people who can’t attend the actual funeral: religious prohibition, work, they don’t feel closely enough associated with the deceased, they didn’t know the deceased but are there to offer their support and condolences, etc. Then of course there are the many unofficial gatherings amongst friends and family.

  4. I’ve only really been to funerals within my dad’s family (but there’ve been plenty of data points). After every one, some member of the family offered a reception at his or her house so that funeral-goers could gather and talk about the deceased and/or catch up on things. These last all day and into the evening/night after the funeral, dwindling slowly down to just the family and very close friends, then just the closest portion of the extended family, and finally just the people who’re living/staying in the house.

7

1. What part of the funeral activities do you consider the wake?

The word “wake” was not used in western Kentucky where I grew up, we called it the “visitation.” The visitation happened the day before the actual funeral. Everyone would gather at the funeral home to view the body and talk to the family.

2. Where are you from?

Western Kentucky. I live in West Virginia now, though, and we call it a wake here.

3. If you call the gathering a wake now, did you grow up doing so, or is it a more recent addition to your funeral vocabulary?

See above.

4. In your experience, are funerals followed by any sort of gathering to talk about the dead and celebrate (although, they’re often grim affairs) their lives?

In both states I’ve lived in, if the family belongs to a church, the church will host a dinner for them after the funeral (this holds true even if the family are members of the church in name only and haven’t been to a service in 10 years). I grew up Southern Baptist; they have a tendency to confront death with food.

Sometimes funeral goers will go to the family’s house after the funeral and sit around and cry, but it just depends.

Also in both states, alcohol at a visitation, wake, or funeral is/would be unthinkable. I find that wearing black isn’t much of a requirement in either place, though. Most people wear darker colors, but if someone were to show up wearing, say, a red shirt, it wouldn’t mean anything.

Interestingly in my hometown, the “rules” for a funeral in which the deceased was black is different than if someone white died (according to a family friend who runs a funeral home there). The word “died” isn’t used at a black funeral, you say that Grandma “passed.” I’ve seen white people go to funerals wearing jeans or only slightly dressy clothes — a no-no at a black funeral, where you’d better show up in Easter Sunday best or you’ll get stared at. I was curious as to why this is so I asked a black friend of mine if this was true and she said oh yeah, definitely, but couldn’t offer any reasons why it works that way. Probably just a cultural thing in that particular area, I guess.

8

1. What part of the funeral activities do you consider the wake?

The gathering of friends, relatives and other mourners that takes place **after ** the funeral. It’s usually held at the household of the deceased’s family. People express their condolences. There are generally light refreshments etc.

2. Where are you from?

Australia

3. If you call the gathering a wake now, did you grow up doing so, or is it a more recent addition to your funeral vocabulary?

I was always aware of the dual usage of the term. However I’ve never come across the alternative practice of gathering the night before the funeral with the body.

4. In your experience, are funerals followed by any sort of gathering to talk about the dead and celebrate (although, they’re often grim affairs) their lives?

See answer to no 1 above.

9

  1. As Aesiron said, a wake is synonymous with viewing.

  2. I’m from Northeast PA, and Roman Catholic, if it matters.

  3. Always reffered to it that way.

  4. We will have a post-funeral dinner to mingle and remember together.

10

  1. The gathering after the funeral. (I would call seeing the body “visiting the chapel of rest”. But I have never gone to that, and never would. I prefer to remember people as they were. Seeing their body would make that very difficult for me.)

  2. Yorkshire, England.

  3. Grew up calling it that.

  4. Yes.

11

  1. The “wake” would be after in general. I have never seen the body of anyone before or during a funeral (except for my husband but that wasn’t “usual”…in my experience) . Maori have a “wake” (or Tangi) with the body before the funeral.

  2. New Zealand

  3. I heard the term wake for the first time when an Irish friend died. It does seem to be a more common term now.

  4. The “after funeral” function has always been common. I’m not sure if it has a name, It was always “the family welcomes you to (wherever)” after the funeral. It was always a fairly informal thing but the deceased was the topic of conversation.

12

As said above, starting the second the first guest/out-of-state mourner arrives, and going pretty much continuously, until the funeral, which is a brief interruption , with more talking and drinking back at the house after.

Irish-Catholic background on both sides. Always called it a wake. And yes, it continues after the mass and burial.

Not including copious amounts of alcohol in all of the above except the mass and interment would have been unthinkable in our background. My husband scandalized some folks at his father’s funeral when he tucked a full bottle of bourbon in the casket, which did not go down at all well with the second wife’s extended family. She understood, however.

13

1. What part of the funeral activities do you consider the wake?
The gathering with the body prior to the funeral.

2. Where are you from?
Western New York

3. If you call the gathering a wake now, did you grow up doing so, or is it a more recent addition to your funeral vocabulary?
Grew up with it.

4. In your experience, are funerals followed by any sort of gathering to talk about the dead and celebrate (although, they’re often grim affairs) their lives?
Yes, it could be a buffet meal served at home or at a restaurant/pub. If it’s at home, it’s usually prepared by neighbors or friends who forgo the funeral services so that the immediate family is spared the labor.

(Aside) In my mom’s crowd, setting up for the meal is a big responsibility. It’s very coordinated among the friends of the deceased so that the there’s a good show of people at the funeral service, but also enough people at the home to set up a really nice spread. It’s also tied into their belief that it’s very important for someone to be at the home because criminals read the obituaries and plan to rob homes while the family is at the service. I realize it’s good to be aware of this, but in my mom’s mind, the threat has escalated to the point where she imagines that if the home is not monitored properly, there is a clear and present danger of the entire standing army of a mid-sized nation to arrive and burgle the home of the deceased, and she is prepared to defend the house and its contents from them. I swear, she has fantasties that involve headlines reading “Vicious Mob’s Plans to Rob Home of Bereaved Foiled by Quick-Thinking Retiree with Serving Fork.”

If it’s at a restaurant or in the church, most people then return to the home to continue socializing, stories, and booze. We call this the “funeral luncheon.” I would say on the scale of grim, it’s less rather than more grim. If the deceased is an older person, who lived a good life, it’s festive. The only ones I have attended that have been very grim have been for the death of a child.

My family is Catholic, FYI.

14

1. What part of the funeral activities do you consider the wake?

As others have said, here it’s called the visitation and usually occurs either at the funeral home or the church the evening before the funeral. It does appear common to call it a visitation in the southern USA.

2. Where are you from?

Georgia.

3. If you call the gathering a wake now, did you grow up doing so, or is it a more recent addition to your funeral vocabulary?

See question 1.

4. In your experience, are funerals followed by any sort of gathering to talk about the dead and celebrate (although, they’re often grim affairs) their lives?

It isn’t always a grim affair. It is traditional for family and close friends to gather after the funeral either at a church or at the deceased’s family’s home for a meal. Funerals are usually held at 11 AM, 2 PM, or 3 PM. So, after the burial, it’s either a lunch or an early supper gathering.

FTR, I am Episcopal and am used to visitations at the church the night before and the lunch/supper thing in the Parish Hall after the burial. Nobody will faint or go into shock if you drink a beer in the Parish Hall. We do, however, frown upon crackin’ open a cold one during the service.

15

I’m in Western New York state, product of a blended family. Dad’s was catholic and Mom’s was Luthern. Either way the wake is the same as the viewing. I’ve always know of them interchangably. Usually one or two days long before the funeral. Set hours at the funeral home usually 2-4 in the afternoon and 7-9 in the evening. Many more people come here than go to the funeral. I’ve done it several times, going to the wake for an aquaintence or non close family member.

After the funeral we usually have a brunch called the funeral breakfast or brunch. Very creative Eh? Depending on who died, some members of the family gather at a house and go over old pictures or whatever details need to be dealt with. Or just stay together because you’re family and help grieve.

Dressing, the funerals I’ve gone to are almost always formal clothes. I wouldn’t dream of going in anything other than a suit and tie. For a wake, it’s a little more casual. Some suits and dresses, but some people are coming after work and dressed as is.

16
  1. What part of the funeral activities do you consider the wake?

The viewing at the funeral home the day (or two days) before the funeral.

  1. Where are you from?

Outside of Chicago

  1. If you call the gathering a wake now, did you grow up doing so, or is it a more recent addition to your funeral vocabulary?

Grew up doing so.

  1. In your experience, are funerals followed by any sort of gathering to talk about the dead and celebrate (although, they’re often grim affairs) their lives?

Absolutely. In my family, we always gather at the house or at a restaurant (usually the White Eagle in Niles) for food. Always.

17

Remove the (aside) section of **Delphica’s ** post, and you get my answers, right down to the Catholicism and being from western NY.