Polyamourist advice....

Ok, I got back from my road trip with friend in tow. She’s been here a few days now, and my wife finally confessed that she’s falling in love with her.

::cheers and happiness::

The problem is… while I and the wife both love this woman immensly, due to her upbringing and horrible past, this woman is convinced that we can’t really love her. And if we do, in the end it will end in pain.

What can we do to affirm how we feel to her? We love her enough to back off completely and let her be, but we don’t think that’s what she wants either.
Aaaauuugh!! Love can suck a fat one sometimes!

Preach it, brother. :frowning:

I’d like to hear more about the dynamics of this if so.

But also, it sounds like she might be being coy, not in a good way. So, it might not be a good thing for that reason, if that’s the case.

OTOH, if she really is having upbringing symptoms, time, love, consideration, all those will work. Be aware though, it’s entirely possible that she will ‘test’ you over and over in many ways. If it gets to be too much, as this kind of thing can easily pass into manipulation, then it would seem the best course of action would be to part ways.

If I’m jsut way the hell in another book, let alone not on the same page, please forgive me.
Euty- at times you are a freaking kung fu master of the one liner.

inor- more than that… an actual 3 way loving relationship. Sex is a nice part of that, but not necessary. In fact, right now, all aspects of that have stopped… it’s just not right to do it while she’s trying to figure out where she fits in.
There’s a site… I can’t remember what it is, but it’s run by some folks that sort of coined the phrase ‘polyamory’. I just can’t remember it right now… any help?
Euty- you sir, kick the metaphorical ass…

try alt.polyamory on the usenet

Tristan, I know squat about polyamory but your description of your friend’s state of mind (she thinks you can’t really love her, if you do it will end in pain) matches a friend of mine to a T. She recently met a wonderful guy, but she’s got longstanding issues that convince her that her feelings for him are reason to back off, not to move closer.

No matter how many times I try to tell her otherwise, she still insists that either he’ll hurt her, possibly unintentionally, or that she’s just not good enough for anyone. These are deep, painful things (I’m thinking of the stuff you mentioned in your other thread about your friend…) and probably beyond the realm of stuff you can work out just talking with friends and lovers. Is your friend currently receiving any kind of professional counselling? Mine is afraid to, since her last therapist had a mean streak and humiliated her in group.

I hope it works out for all of you-- when I read about what was happening to your friend in the other thread, I was furious. Nobody deserves that.

Probably the best site for polymory links, including links to the faq, newsgroup and webring, is alt.polymory at http://www.polyamory.org/. The folks participating in the newsgroup tend to be both kind and helpful, so jump right in with your questions.

Ah…for a minute I thought you were feeling amorous about our polycarp…