Okay, so it’s probably a midwest thing, but I’ll leave it open for a little while longer.
pssst, the lady’s name is Ann
That’s still open?!
We can take care of that
When come back…bring pie.
Are you callin’ Ann Arbor a whore? 
Engage in coprophagia and then expire.
Eat shit and die.
I did not have sex with that woman.
I had sex with that woman.
Sorry, I have a cold, and I got nothing.
Who me?
Althiough it is entirely possible to direct a member of Equus caballus to a quantity of liquid comprised of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen, it is impossible to employ force as a means to coerce it to imbibe.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink
The entirety of the expansive spherical body of matter we reside on which is currently held in orbit around a central mass of blazing gases is, in fact, a region devoted solely to performance, whilst the male and female occupants of said body simply partake in acting particular roles.
All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.
The totality of your fortifications are presently in our posession.
All your base are belong to us!!
Next:
Headed north on a well-known tributary lacking viable means of locomotion.
As presented: Up the creek without a paddle.
The height of misfortune is to possess sentience, but to squander that sentience.
Up the creek without a paddle. (I would’ve qualified your tributary with “feces-laden” personally, but that’s just me).
Diospyros ebenum and pachyderm enamel cohabitating in such a manner analagous to audible frequencies arranged in tonal triadic patterns with flawless dominant-tonic cadences.
Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony
The individual possesses no receptacle for purposes of micturation, nor any means of defenestrating the aforesaid
A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
**Achieve maximum velocity, maintain current vector and ignore the presence of waterborne explosives. **
Full ahead, damn the torpedos!
He hasn’t a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
On that note…
His paucity of capital is more egregious than that of a Mus musculus whose residency lies within a tabernacle.
This one is still up for grabs… any others? (I’ve got the first half, but not sure about/familiar with the second half.
He is as poor as a churchmouse
In the case that the average kinetic energy of the particles in the location of the preparation of and heat transfer to comestibles is too great, the individual experiencing the great difference in average kinetic energy between his body and the atmosphere of his location is compelled to vacate said setting.
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
A intellectually challenged individual and his fiat currency are expiditiously dispossessed.