As flash as a rat with a gold tooth.
About as reliable as a two bob watch.
Stone the crows.
All piss and wind like a barbers cat.
I made this one up to describe someone who is, ah, off in his own world or seemingly lost in a fog instead of paying attention to a task:
“He went out to lunch…and stayed for Happy Hour.”
Mine:
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Never be surprised at how far someone can be below your expectations.
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Life is a river if shit. Learn to float on it.
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A great teacher knows when to give carrots and when to give a kick in the ass.
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If you believe you can’t do something, it will come true.
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Never assume someone is out to get you. 9 times out of 10, they’re just incompetent.
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If you have no idea how to do something, try it my way. Just because you’ve never tried it before doesn’t mean my way is wrong.
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Odds are if a pretty girl starts a conversation with you, you should keep a hand on your wallet.
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Women have two minds, a logical mind and an animal mind. Appeal to their animal mind; their logical mind is retarded.
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If you don’t like the trailer, don’t see the movie.
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There’s only two ways to succeed in life: luck and hard work. Hard work creates luck.
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Achieving any goal in life requires setting a goal first.
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Men are like dogs, women are like cats. Keep a dog well fed and warm, they’ll come to you every time. Cats like shiny things and money.
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The secret to getting any woman you want? Cash.
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The reason women hate Chris Rock is because he tells the truth. If he bullshitted, they wouldn’t pay any attention at all.
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God, please take me if I go bald monkey ass style.
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On gambling: Scared money always loses.
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Pai Gow poker: Play to win, never play to tie.
If everything in your life were perfect, you’d be up all night worrying if the sun was going to come up.
Not worth a thought. Something that is going to happen, regardless.
Going around the barn. A old English saying that started as “going around Robin Hood’s barn”; meaning to take the long way around. New Englanders made it “going around Robinson’s barn,” though nobody seems to know who or why. I shortened it to “going around the barn” and use it figuratively to mean hashing something out to an obvious conclusion.
To Meerkat someone is equivalent to “giving the shirt off your back”
I created the phrase and others followed with it’s cousin’s - He got meerkatted, pulled a meerkat, out-meerkatted.
I did so after observing a co-worker who always opened doors, took a back seat, volunteered to do the unwanted tasks, etc. His actions were a subtle way of one-up-man-ship.
I coined the phrase from a social trait were the dominant meerkats spend the most time perched on a termite mound watching out for danger. This position puts them in the peril of hawks and other predators while denying them the opportunity to scavenge for food. So doing a good service like always being the one who sacrifices is actually a play for domination.
“It doesn’t have to be perfect, just better.”
You’re always in trouble if you have to hope someone wasn’t stupid.
It’s amazing what you can do if you don’t think about doing it. Thinking about doing something is often more scary than doing it.
I had a math teacher in Pennsylvania who had a saying that meant something similar. He always said, “That’s like going to Pittsburgh by way of Buffalo.”
When I need something to mutter in frustration, I mutter “Jesus wept.” Sometimes I use it to address the source of the frustration. “Jesus wept, kid, what are you doing?”
Some of these are pretty familiar to me, so either y’all are amazing proverb-writers, or you’re reinventing the Swiffer.
Two of mine:
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I heard it somewhere else, but I think my phrasing is unique (I can’t google it), and it’s a major life lesson for me: “It’s not the quality of your excuses that counts, it’s the quantity.” I tell this to my students. Miss one homework assignment, and I don’t care if it’s because you were just lazy, I’ll forgive you. Miss ten homework assignments, and I don’t care if the most recent one is because your dog died, you’re still making it up on silent lunch. It helps me as well in my work life. Sometimes I get tempted to rationalize missing something, but then I think about the saying, and don’t bother rationalizing: if I miss very few deadlines, I can get away with this one, and if I miss a lot, nobody’s gonna care about my excuses anyway.
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If someone claims something is original, but all they’ve done is swipe something, they’ve reinvented the Swiffer.
Okay, one of those is lame. Sue me.
There’s a lot to be said for keeping your mouth shut.
You gotta do it when you remember to do it, otherwise you won’t remember to do it.
“A stitch in time saves a hernia.”
Never eat at a place called Sam n’ Ellas.
Never make a life decision for yourself based on someone else’s needs.
If you want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.
From my ex: Some things in life are too important to take seriously.
And his: If they can’t take a joke—fuck it.
Oh, another one of mine…Wisdom is just experience if you’ve learned anything from it. That’s why there are old souls, and old fools.
“If ‘stupidity’ had any cash value, you wouldn’t have to work another day for the rest of your life.” 
That boy/girl is ‘eat up, with dumbass’.
There was a similar thread a few years back. I wrote something like this:
Obligatory Acquaintance: noun, a person that you know because you are obligated to be in the same setting on a regular basis, such as in the office, in a classroom or in the neighborhood. This person is not a stranger since you know of each other, but isn’t close enough to be called a friend. Sometimes referred to as “some classmate of mine” or “someone in the office.”
I’ve heard this referred to as “a familiar stranger.”