Ok, I emailed it to the general editorial address.
**Man Found Alive In Rubble **
John Cameron Swayze emerged virtually unscathed from the attack, proudly showing the rescue workers his watch.
“Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
Airlines Apologize for Aircraft "Hijackings"
The greatest catastrophe in the history of flight was not a series of hijackings, but the result of a serious lapse in judgment by four sentimental pilots. Data from the cockpit voice recorders reveal that Braille Institute students were on field trips on all four flights and that some of them wanted to sit at the controls “to know how it feels to be a pilot.”
“They simply let them sit at the controls for too long,” says spokesperson. “You can plainly hear the children whining, ‘But I don’t WANNA go back to my seat!’”
Milton Bradley To Release Jenga: WTC Head2Head Edition
Pieces made of steel and concrete - Game weighs 40 lbs.
Bush Vows to Send Carrot Top to Afghanistan
Sez Prez: “Nuking’s too good for 'em.”
Tapes of Homemade Tribute Songs Begin to Surface
DJs Request Tongs
Rubbermaid to Bid on New WTC Contract
House Votes, 435-0, To Officially Be Pretty God Damned Pissed Off About This Shit
U.S. Begins War On Box Cutters
Congress poised to outlaw boxes, eliminating demand for “this cancer on society”
John Tesh Plays Kabul; Afghanistan Surrenders
Geneva Convention to open talks on troubling use of Tesh music
Bush Deploys Special “G-Force” To Afghanistan
Mark, Jason, Princess, Tiny and Keyop “Ready For Battle” Says 7-Zark-7
Afghanistan Defence Minister Deplores "PlayStation Gap"
“Our soldiers just aren’t getting the video game practice they need for today’s electronic battlefield”
[/quote]
Point/Counterpoint
This Is a Tragedy For our City But We Shall Overcome
by Mayor Rudy Giuliani
vs
This Is A Chance For Me To Make A Lot Of Money
by Donald Trump
Nation Struggles to Find Mathematical Proof That Osama Bin Laden = 666
$1 million offered to first person who finds the formula.
Just wanted to say that I don’t really get the Onion’s headline either (“Hands”?) but then again it’s just a rumor so let’s not assume anything. I’m sure they’ll come up with some zinger–they always come through. While I’m deeply impressed with the talent everyone’s shown here, I feel some gratitude to the Onion for bringing it to us every week, and for institutionalizing this kind of humor in the first place.
Lee Greenwood Exhumed, Dusted Off
“God Bless America” Singer Momentarily Usable
Jeane Teasdale
Things Sure Are Gloomy At The Fashion Bug
Jim Anchower
Those Exploding Towers Were Way Wicked, Man
A Message From The Publisher
I Told You Not To Trust The Spanish
Genius.
I think it goes something like this…
First, go to this link…
Then, in the left side column, find this link and click on it…
**Staring at your hands the way people do in movies when they’ve just killed their first person **
Voila!
Actor Jet Li To Change Name
Airplane reference inappropriate at this time, star says
I have two thoughts on the actual proposed Onion headline … my first thought is that it really isn’t supposed to be a “zinger” at all, in that holding up one’s hands is often a gesture of helplessness. The Onion’s angle might be that despite all the talk, Americans essentially feel helpless. As if they’ve decided to go more ironic than flippant, in light of the tragedy.
My second thought is that Americans are pulling a Lady Macbeth, and looking at the “blood on our hands” resulting from our government foreign policy. (Note: This is not my opinion, I’m just playing around with possibilities for the imagry.)
Dow Industrials Now Collectively Worth $30
Bin Laden Buys Microsoft, GM, With Goat
What Do You Think?
Last weeks’ suicide bombings destroyed the World Trade Center and killed over 5,000 people. What’s your opinion?
"Well I hope Bush makes his missile-defense shield impenetrable to airplanes as well now."
–Elmore Cranston, bond trader
"If the Pakistanis really want to help, I’m sure Manhattan could use a few more cab drivers about now."
–Jennifer Luddon, media planner
"All I know is that since the second tower fell, my TV reception has been for shit."
Frank Jeffers, bartender
"I thought we bombed a random pharmaceutical factory in Sudan last year. You mean that didn’t do the trick?"
Elaine Hastert, student
"Worst episode of ‘Survivor’ ever."
Carlos Hernandez, security guard
"We don’t allow Afghans in our house. Instead we drape our sofas with soft, wooly, American flags."
–Tess Johansen, homemaker
NY PORT ATHORITY ARRESTED ON INSURANCE FRAUD CHARGES
spokesman says “we just couldnt handle the note
Anymore”
HUNDREDS OF THE NATIONS PSYCHICS WERE ARRESTED ON CHARGES THAT THEY WERE WITHHOLDING EVIDENCE
MS. CLEO TOP SUSPECT
Feynn, you rock! That line makes me giggle to no end. 
Bin Laden’s copy of Qu’ran puzzles investigators, scholars
A.A. Ferguson
Scripps Howard News Service
GOAT MOUNTAIN, Afghanistan – Undercover operatives discovered a disheveled mess in an Afghanistan cave believed to have been hastily deserted by Osama bin Laden.
Among the items left behind were a number of books, including one bearing a paper cover reading “The Qu’ran.” However, inspection of this book revealed it not to have been written by Islam’s Prophet, Mohammad, but by one Abdul Alhazred.
A sample verse from the book reads: “That is not dead which can eternal lie,/And with strange aeons even death may die.” According to Muslim scholars, such a verse is not found in any known translation of The Qu’ran.
Investigators removed the paper cover, revealing printing on the book’s cloth cover, which read “The Necronomicon.”
Mille Capri Publishing, which printed the book, explained that some years ago covers were mixed up within their book-jacketing equipment. “Apparently not all those incorrectly-covered books were recalled,” Billy Gruff, president of Mille Capri Publishing, said.
Gruff apologized for the mix-up, noting that in an odd co-incidence, the copy of the Bible the Rev. Jerry Falwell ordered from Mille Capri during the same time period was also mislabeled.
(Well, with so many goats all over the place, you knew Lovecraft had to come into it sooner or later, didn’t you?)
Ok, I’ve waited long enough to get in on this one. You guys rock! And I hope you like my suggestions, too.
Taliban threatens US with newer, safer "Helium Bomb"
or
Hydrogen bomb “not an option,” Powell states
NATO “still considering” newer, safer Helium bomb.
Islamic Nations, West on brink of nuclear Holy War
Cubs take 3-0 lead in World Series.
NATO sends B-52s into Middle East
Fred Schneider, Kate Pierson “ecstatic” about new world tour
WAR-HUH! What is it good for?
“Absolutely nothing,” Rumsfeld responds.
Trix Rabbit “prime suspect” FBI confirms
Militant hare sought redress over breakfast cereal sanctions, bureau says.
Paper airplane crashes into Jenga Towers
Eight-year-old sought in connection with copycat crime
Borders bans controversial book
Idiot’s Guide to Radical Islamic Terrorism pulled from shelves.
Porn viewers breathe collective sigh of relief
“Shit, man, we thought you said Tiffany Towers,” local man explains.
David Irving, Mark Weber dub tower bombing a "hoax."
Video footage just “Jew York propoganda,” say revisionists.
Americans wake from blissful slumber, discover Old World
Hate to bring up legal stuff, but I’m not sure the Onion could actually use any of these sick but great ideas. Scroll down and read the fine print at the bottom of this page:
Does this mean the Onion would have to have permission in writing from the Chicago Reader or work an individual deal with the original poster before they could use something like:
Snoop Doggy Dogg Questioned by FBI
“I’ll teach them East Coast rappaz some shit” seen as posible motivation.
Prototype Express Elevator Testing 'Unsuccessful’
WTC engineers return to the drawing board.
Fed Ex Launch ‘Straight to Intray’ Delivery Service
First recipients unavailable for comment.
WTC Death Toll: Bin Laden Demands Recount
Stone And Parker The New Nostradamus’ - Bush Says Blame Canada
PT[sub]Memo to self: Tuck in then zip up[/sub]
Solipsists worldwide deny WTC bombing, objective reality
Terrorist act “just an invention of the subjective conscience,” philosophers argue.
Cable operators nationwide decimated by early morning airstrikes
“Psst…it’s ka-BOOL,” aides tell Bush.
Chronically late office workers not injured in attack, study shows
“Early bird catches the worm, my ass,” respondent notes.
"Raze-a-mosque" fad sweeps nation!
"More fun than ‘Intern-a-Jap’ " participants reveal.