I LOVE you guys. I mean, I seriously seriously LOVE you guys!!!
Osama Bin Laden Admits that His Evil Second Personality,
Amaso Nib Nedal, was actually responsible
**Garment District Up In Arms Over Mayors Declaration Of
Black September **
" Black is sooooo outre." Lisps Chrystopher Shelly of Gnocchi & Spumoni Collection, " What’s next? Brown November? Paisley December? If we let knuckle dragging heterosexuals like the Mayor make major fashion decisions I *shudder * to think of what will happen to our society as we know it."
**WTC TO Be Rebuilt **
City council decide to build a 150 story glass and steel building. Financiers and investment houses are staying away this time around, but have no fear, to thumb their collective noses at OBL, NYC mayor/lust bunny has received the go ahead to have the building be the worlds largest brothel-sex shop. Guiliana plans to take away business from Amsterdam. “We’re legalizing pot, peep shows and prostitution here! It will generate billions in tourism and medicinal marijuana. Thanks, Osama.”
**NFL cancels weekend games out of respect for Attack **
Men across America are forced to spend “quality” time with their families and taking care of the ‘honey do’ list rather than go into a hypnotic stupor on the couch watching 13 different teams playing at the same time thanks to Picture In Picture In Picture. "That fuckin’ bin Laden’ was the most repeated slur picked up by spy satellites across the country.
Really or are you funning?
DAMN DAMN DAMN you Michael Ellis…you beat me to the punch ;0 If there is evil in this world, it is Starbucks.
Sorrry, please resume your regular satizing our national tragedy.
Sorry, that would be **satirizing **
Bin Laden Connection to Flying Carpet Industry Confirmed
Boeing Calls for Embargo of Magical Floor Coverings
I’d just like to say this is the funniest thing I’ve seen in quite some time.
SEINFELD KILLED IN WTC TRAGEDY
Doctors declare his condition ‘satisfactory’
NY SUBWAY: MASSIVE DISRUPTION DUE TO TRAGEDY
‘Hard to tell’ say residents
MIXED FEELINGS OF AFGHANISTAN TEENAGE BOYS
Loved the attack. Angry at delays to Spiderman movie.
MOMENT OF CONFUSION
France surrenders to itself
SOUVENIR POSTCARD VENDORS FACING RUIN
‘WTC features in every damned one’ - Vendor
MILITARY FORMULATES RESPONSE TO PENTAGON ATTACK
‘To be re-named The Square’ says spokesman
Under any other circumstances, y’all would be banned by now. You know that, right?
[sub]Carry on. I especially liked the “Afghanistan markets crash: goats drop from 5 to 2 bushels in hours”.[/sub]
You make it sound like a bad thing.
Dammit, I even used JDT in mine! And it was pretty clever, but NOOOOO One noticed!
Humph!!!
I’m taking my ideas and going home, you guys are mean!
[sub]
Seriously, love headlines-hell, we should organize a coup and take over the Onion headquarters
[/sub]
"The Bitches Asked For It," say Chrysler Building, Pan Am Tower
“Struttin’ around all high-profile, flashing they helipads like they all that, you know someone gonna take 'em out,” Say Famous Towers
Flatiron Building: “They’re Just Jealous”
Zappo
Crazed Delaware Shriners Hijack Four Kabul Goat Carts, Knock Down Hut
Farrakhan Blames "Whiteys, Kikes"
Bin Laden Cleared: Drunken Bush Daughters Were At The Controls
U.S. Forces To Receive “Goat Recognition” Briefings
New Afghan Game Show “Who Wants To Be Hit With A Million Cluster Bombs?” Faring Poorly
Eminem Claims Responsibility; Record Sales Soar
WTC Now Second Biggest Bomb Of All Time: “The Postman” Holds On To #1
Detroit In Worse Shape Than NYC Despite Lack Of Terrorist Acts
Point-Counterpoint
Gen Colin Powell Is a Great Asset To My Administration
by President George W. Bush
vs
Soon I Will Overthrow The Imbecile And Be King
By General Colin Powell, Secretary of State
TV’s Mr. Dressup Found Dead
Coombs Kills Self, Says Couldn’t Bear Responsibility for NYC Attack
NYC Scientist Discovers Inverse Relationship Between Severity of Disaster and Propriety of Disaster-Related Jokes
Direct Relationship Between Event Severity and Degree of Joke Proliferance Also Discovered
Most Popular Joke Punchline Reported to Be "It’s Coming Right For Us!"
Matt Stone, Trey Parker Can’t Find Humorous Angle In WTC Tragedy for South Park Episode
Cartoonists Reject “Cartman in Afghanistan” and “Kenny Visits Wall Street”
WTC Mountain of Rubble Replaced by Mountain of Sandwiches and Water Bottles
Hillock of Dog Food Also Discovered
Red Cross Surpasses Lawyers As #1 Bloodsuckers
Vampires Fall to Third Place - Dracula: “Blah!”
Rampant Hernias as Storekeepers Attempt to Move Full "Donation Barrels"
Forklifts Required; Strangely, None Available
Guiliani Depressed in Wake of WTC Tradgedy
“This horrible national tradgedy has decreased the size of my empire by at least 300 people,” a distraught Mayor Guiliani said, “Oh, there were some other people who died too.”
Saddam Hussein Invades Kuwait, Saudi Arabia. Illuminatti Confused
“There’s only supposed to be one CIA-invented evil-dictator-slash-faceless-enemy at a tiiiiime” whined befuddled Illuminatus Primus Britney Spears. “Now our civlil unrest operations are all screwed uuuuup.”
France Surrenders to New York Cabbie
Maginot Line “still not really that great” concedes Chirac
Real Conspiracy Theorists Addamantly Deny Conspiracy
“I mean think about it,” remarked reputed conspiracy theorist Sn1per_JFK/3c+0r on a little known Usenet discussion group last week, “This shit is so ridiculous even we can’t figure it out, so it must be true.”
Senior Bush to come out of retirement
Kennebunkport - A source close to the former president claims that an announcement is imminent. George H to team up with George W in a Texas Cage match against Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Bush is quoted as saying, “Bring it on! Anytime, anyplace, you are going down!” before being restrained by his manager.
Bin Laden to team with Elton John at MTV Video Awards
In a move that has the industry abuzz, the two opposites will unite in a moving tribute to show Bin Laden’s compassionate side. “I hate what he has done, but I respect his right to do it” a beleagured Sir Elton is quoted as saying. Liberal groups are up in arms over the controversial pairing.
Dynamiting of Cincinnati Office Tower Proceeds on Schedule; Red Cross Warded Off
“Yes, for the last time we meant to do it,” exasperated developer says
Point-Counterpoint
The WTC Attack: I Did It For Allah
by Osama bin Laden
You Just Don’t Get It, Do You?
by Allah