One thing I’ve noticed is that the exes-as-friends seems to happen much more often among gay/lesbian relationships than among straight ones. (An observation so common it’s almost cliche’d: “If I couldn’t be friends with my exes, I wouldn’t have any friends!”) Part of it may be different expectations: a recent book cites statistics claiming that about 2/3 of gay male relationships are non-monogamous in one form or another. So there may be fewer feelings of betrayal when a relationship ends.
Three times, but none of them right away. They all took time and distance.
It looks like I’m on the far edge of the spectrum here. Not only am I still friends with a couple of my exes, I live with one of them.
We didn’t ever live together when we were dating. Like Persephone said, we just weren’t meant to have a romance due to differences in personality, it just sort of fizzled out, but we always had a great time together. We remained best friends afterwards, and when it coincided that we both needed a place to live, we found a two bedroom place together. Through several moves, including one cross-country, we’ve stayed roommates and best friends, now eight years since we “broke up.”
I’ll chime in to agree with FlyingDragonFan and Persephone- some relationships work better when you “downgrade” to friendship. But I’m even further along the spectrum than any of you.
I too have a housemate who is also an ex; however, we’ve lived together before, during, and after the relationship ended. (For those keeping score, it’s a total of about 9 years- 6 years as a couple and almost 3 years since.)
Now, I’ll grant there was some awkwardness right after the breakup (having another housemate around helped), but we’ve gotten along far better this way than we did together.
I have kept close friendships with several of my exes.
all my exes live in Texas.
really!
Phouchg
Lovable Rogue
Happens a lot with my wife, she is still on speaking terms with five of her ex-boyfriends and friends with two of them. At least I’ll still have her to talk to after she leave, unless she goes back to Missouri like she’s talking about.
Friends with a lot of my ex-s, hell, I dj’d at ones wedding. Wasn’t really a distance thing or a time thing, just decent break ups, for not assholish reasons. I liked em when I was dating them, I should still like em in some way. My current girlfriend has tried it with some of hers, and they’ve never worked.
Yup. Stayed friends with most. Sometimes, I look back and I think that time period just after the breakup was harder than it had to be. The pressure of trying to be friends when I really wanted to be insanely furious… well, that was difficult. Maybe it would have been more therapeutic to “hate” the person, and maybe I could have come around the friendship again. I dunno. I have to admit, some of the evolution happened because we still had an attraction. We broke up because we were driving each other crazy or were unfaithful, but still wanted each other and, ahem, acted on it. That has its own problems, but that seems to be the pattern I followed. Eventually the physical stuff stopped and by that time we were more philosophical about it and less emotional and appreciated each other at people.
Some of my best buddies now are people I was once involved with. Surviving a romance and breakup seems to cement the bonds. And yeah, I lived with an ex for a year after we broke up. It was weird at times, but he’s like my brother now. I wouldn’t dream of kissing him, but there’s little I wouldn’t do for him if he needed it.
So far so good, though I haven’t seen much of the first two since the break-up. But we communicate and share confidences. I like them a lot - they’re friends. The most recent one is a little awkward… we have an odd chemistry, I guess. Or to put it bluntly, I seem to come across as a jerk to her more than I do to to other people. Oh well. I’m still on speaking terms with her, pretty easily. As a matter of fact, most of the ruts in our relationship have shown up after the break-up.
My two ex-boyfriends are two of my closest friends. I think of them now as brothers, in a way.
My ex is one of those people who are impossible to dislike, so not being friends with him afterwards wasn’t even an option for me. I did need time away from him, but once I had my head cleared it was like the pre-hook-up good old days. He sends me joke e-mails every few weeks.
My ex-almost boyfriend is one of my closest friends. I have an easier time talking with him than anyone else; the conversation just flows, and it’s almost never that way with anyone else. But we never got that darn romance thing right. Perhaps he was my never-should-have-been-romantically-involved person.
I really don’t believe in being friends with an ex. I don’t speak to any of my exes but if I saw them walking down the street I wouldn’t ignore them either.
But my latest SO were going out for 6 months and we broke up, I still liked him a lot but knew there were problems and the best thing to do would be to end the relationship. So for about 3 months we stayed in contact, we would mail each other everyday and see each other at the gym a few days a week but we never meet each other socially. Then as time went on we both realised that we had been getting on really well, better than when we were going out so we decided to give it another go. We had a lot of issues to sort out (the reasons we broke up in the first place) but things are going really well for us now and fingers crossed they will continue to.
He is the only ex that I kept in contact with but I ended up back with him so I don’t think I would ever be just friends with an ex! It’s a shame really, cos you must have liked them for some reason when ye were a couple!
I’m siding with the never catagory.
Then again all of my exs have told me they cheated on me, oddly enough on days I usually liked.
So forgive me if I get a little depressed around my birthday, Thanksgiving, Valentines day and Christmas.
After each of my boyfriends, I’ve gone through a period of a few months thinking “Yes, we had a good relationship, but it didn’t work out and I don’t hold it against them.” Then they invariably do something stupid or mean to make me wish they’d get hit by a truck.
My philosophy is, “If I still enjoyed your company, I’d still be dating you.”
It’s definitely possible, and when you can pull it off it can be the best thing in the world.
I dated a girl for three very intense months back in 2001. We both had temporary jobs in a city neither of us were from. In fact, we were still college students. Our internships ended and we went back to our respective home states. I nearly moved to where she was for my first job because I was convinced I was going to marry her. She told me not to, and broke up with me, saying she couldn’t handle someone moving for her, for something that wasn’t guaranteed. It got pretty angry, but not one day passed where we didn’t talk to eachother. I had a hard time with it and said a lot of things I shouldn’t have. She somehow forgave me.
Our friendship continued through 2001, and we talked so often that the old feelings, on both sides, never truly died. I moved back to Washington for my first permanent job out of college. She decided to visit me for New Year’s Eve of that year. At first our visit had all the sparks of our original relationship, but a few days in she told me that the spark had just left her. We had a big fight but stayed up that night until we resolved it.
Since that trip, things have been beautiful. It’s the most satisfying friendship I’ve ever had. We talk to eachother about everything, even the sexual prowess of our most recent partners. We’re both totally ga-ga over different people right now, and it’s so much fun to talk to eachother about it. I don’t know what I’d do without her. I’m more of a pragmatist and she’s more in tune with emotions than I am, so we make a good pair. Plus, our history makes it so that no one understands us better than eachother.
She’ll be here for another internship in the fall. I’m not hoping for a rekindling of anything beyond the friendship we already have. Actually, I hope to have something going on with the girl I’m infatuated with that I’ve already mentioned. I’m still glad she’ll be here though, because having your best friend where you live makes life that much easier.
She’s actually visiting for the holiday starting tomorrow. I can’t wait!
I always try really hard to stay friends with anyone I have loved. Sometimes is has been difficult, but given time and space and caring…I mean, if you love someone, sometimes the love changes, but I don’t think it ever goes away. And thinking back on it, I have always been able manage it, too. Except for maybe once. I am not sure about that one…I guess time will tell.
So I vote yes. After all, if you thought enough of them to be in love with them, shouldn’t you still want them in your life as a friend? Otherwise, why would you have been in love with them in the first place?
I hope my soon to be ex husband and I can be friends…I have been that way with other ex’s. Thanks Robin, that really helped me that you said you could stay in the same house!
I’ve had pretty decent luck along these lines. It’s not a story that’s particularly different from any of the others posted, but let me just emphasize that these things require time.
Time apart to remember what things were like before going out, and time to let the little habits of going out - things like holding hands, those small, light touches, and such - to ease out of your system.
If you don’t give yourselves this buffer period, awkwardness is almost bound to ensue. That being said, good luck with her.
I haven’t stayed too close with most of my ex’s, but there is one exception. My first girlfriend in college broke up with me due to sudden attack of christian guilt after we lost our virginities together. She wasn’t angry about it, and we parted on fairly good terms. A little later, she met a guy who turned her on to the BDSM/poly scene and gave her a lot more confidence in herself, and she did a complete 180 in her attitudes toward sex (and just about everything else). We’ve been good friends since then, and stay in regular (email) contact.
And yes, I keep our friendship completely open with my wife.