We attended the funeral of a friend’s husband yesterday (and the visitation the day before), and their house had a wave of family members come in from out of town (it’s a big extended family and a fairly large house). A bunch of people including my wife cooked for them; they coordinated to stagger the drop-offs, and there were some casseroles, and what I’d note about casseroles is that they don’t take up a ton of space compared to some items, can be microwaved, and are stackable when packaged properly. They made baked goods too of course; people will eat pie for breakfast even when they’re not grieving.
A friend’s husband died suddenly in an accident. Her kids are grown, married and live out of town. I knew they’d be staying with her. I brought them a Subway tray. It had small sandwiches (turkey, ham, & cheese) in it. Another friend and I have given each other various gift cards for local restaurants when a family member has died. When our son died, people brought lots of different things - meat and cheese tray, take n bake pizza, baked goods, deli salads, fried chicken. It all came in handy, we had lots of people stopping in on the days leading up to the funeral. We were very thankful. People have good hearts and they want to do something, but there’s not much they can do. Food is always an expression of love and caring.
If your spouse were to die & they had siblings in another state where should they stay when they come in for the funeral of their sister? A hotel seems awfully impersonal for such an occasion with a family cramped into one little room w/o even enough chairs.
Or you can buy disposable containers to make the food in too. I’ve done that when bringing food to events, that way they can just throw the pan and cover away after.
Oh man! Depending on your family, neighbors, friends and/or church, if someone had a family member die, it might not be just food.
The day my brother died, by noon there was a group of my mom’s cousins at the house taking care of the household chores; dishes, cleaning, laundry, whatever needed doing, including coordinating incoming food and condolers
That could just be how my family is though.
When someone in the family, particularly in the same household dies, there is an incredible amount of shit to take care of. So shopping for groceries and cooking is way down the list of things to do and food helps ease just a little bit of the pain, even if you end up throwing it away.
When I was traveling in Iowa, a farmer died right in the middle of harvest. All the area farmers came with their combines and harvested his entire crop in one day. This is especially important when you realize that optimum harvest conditions only last a few days, and those farmers were willing to put their own harvests at risk to help their neighbor.
That’s a bit rude to the might-not folks.
(jk 
)
mmm
- When there’s a major event like a birth or death, people will drop by to visit, to help, or to “help”.
- There’s no time even to feed yourself in a situation like that, let alone others.
- People know this, so they bring food.
- Casserole is a good food to bring, because it keeps well, and if you freeze it then it will keep for a very long time.
- I don’t think people are too picky about dishes, but if they are, they label them. Otherwise, the risks of the casserole game are known and accepted.
Am i missing a joke? I have brought nuts to people who i knew had a houseful of visitors and food, and wouldn’t need more items that need to be refrigerated. I’ve also sent nuts to a guy at the other end of the country whose sister died suddenly and unexpectedly. I had no idea what his family mourning customs were, but wanted to offer him food that is dense in nutrients, could be eaten as-is, with no preparation, and keeps well at room temperature. I guess i also once sent a fruit basket to a woman who has multiple difficult food allergies (but none to fresh fruits).
Casseroles are probably more practical than a roast chicken, but they aren’t really in my wheelhouse (i can’t remember the last time i made one) and I’m good at roasting meat.
Maybe regional? They meant, “nuts to you” sort like buzzoff, screw you? At least that’s how I took it.
I’ll have some walnuts please.
Yes, what @Sylvanz said.
Sorry, I didn’t realize that the phrase “nuts to you” is regional.
mmm
ETA: Off to Polls Only to conduct a scientific study of the phrase
Oh, i have heard that phrase, actually. It’s not something I’d say, but i would understand it in context. I just failed to notice that I’d said it. Thanks.
Bringing food after the death of a family member is apparently an American custom; I had never heard of it before. I think that in our part of the world (Northern Europe), people would be quite surprised if someone suddenly showed up with food. Obituaries often ask people to refrain from paying condolence visits; the family requests discretion and does not want to be disturbed in their grief. Customs vary so much in different parts of the world.
When my parents passed we had to request that people stop bringing food. There weren’t that many of us there, and it was just too much to deal with.
I have seen obits requesting that people not reach out to the family, and i respect that, of course. But no, it’s not the default here. And Judaism specifically lists “comforting mourners” as a mitzvah, a positive commandment that you should try to fulfill.
I think there are two somewhat conflicting issues, both of which are important:
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people grieve in different ways. Some are comforted by the presence of friends and family, and others don’t have the emotional energy to deal with social interaction.
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for many people, it’s easier not to have to make too many decisions when they are recently bereaved. So it’s helpful to have social customs to follow. For many people, just knowing what to do is better than doing the theoretically best thing.
Jewish tradition tries to balance those. The community of the bereaved is supposed to show up, but there is no obligation on the bereaved to interact with them. I’m sure that if you just want to be left alone it would be better not to have a living room full of guests. But it’s perfectly okay for you, the mourner, to stay in your bedroom until they are scheduled to leave.
I imagine customs that default to “leave them alone” also make provisions for those mourners who want company.
I think food for the grieving family game has changed a bit from just casseroles in your own dish. When my dad died in 2023, we had some people send us food via “food by mail” services. Specifically, soup and fruit. One of my girlfriends sent over a bunch of homemade desserts in foil containers (no need to return). Someone else had a full catered meal sent over from a restaurant.
The prepackaged food delivery, ease of access to foil pans, and services like DoorDash really add some more ease to “grief support.” I think if I wanted it, my friends with Instacart or Walmart+ would have sent over whatever we needed as well.
Nuts are a good idea too, like @puzzlegal said. There’s a lot of time spent just sitting around the table/tv at home with visitors. My neighbor’s husband died a few years back and I don’t know her very well but I knew she’d have visitors. I left a bag of gourmet popcorn and a bag of nuts on her doorstep.
Yep. That’s why we keep a stack of these on hand for just such occasions:
This happens in every farming community in this country. And it happens not only after a death, but after an accident or illness that renders the victim unable to bring in his crop. When I was about 12, a neighboring farmer broke his leg on the first or second day of harvest. A few days later, there were about 20 combines and 30 trucks harvesting his wheat, and the women brought and prepared the food for the meals. I was proud to be part of that effort.
Back on topic, food deliveries to the grieving family were always a thing in my home community. It’s still practiced, although not nearly in the scale it used to be.