Post Divorce: My little girl misses her Mom. I'm getting angry. [long]

In My Humble Opinion
41

I’m a parent, just FYI. And while I have not been divorced myself, I watched my mom go through three fairly messy divorces, and have been involved in my fair share of court proceedings as a result of this.

Giving a child Tylenol PM (which, as has been previously pointed out, and as you ignored in your previous post, also contains Benadryl, in addition to the Tylenol) daily for over a year is a lot different than “just giving a kid Tylenol” and I suspect that you are wrong about how the courts would perceive this. I know for a fact that you don’t know for certain what the court outcome would be. You are angry and bitter (with some good reason, I know) and are assuming that the outcome would not be in your favor. But you don’t know for sure.

From the OP:

These things should never have been brought up to her in the first place. She does not need to know the gory specifics of why you and her mother divorced. She does not need to hear your disapproval of her mother’s current living/boyfriend situation. She does not need to hear your list of all the wrongs her mother has done you. I know that it can be impossibly frustrating to be in a situation like the one you described where your daughter bursts into tears when watching Mary Poppins because she misses her mom, because you’re sitting there thinking, “OMG, that woman is so far from Mary Poppins.” But no matter how tempting, you have to shut your mouth and refrain from trashing your ex, in that situation or any other. In front of your kids, your ex is their mother and is deserving of respect. FULL STOP. Anything else is going to be damaging. Example from my own life: When I was in junior high, I made some comment to my dad about how obviously you’d want to date a guy who finished college, rather than a dropout. His response was, “Well, that’s not what your Mom thinks, apparently” - a reference to the fact that my stepdad was a HS dropout whereas my dad was not. I didn’t need that. Mom’s love life and/or choice in boyfriend/husband was not my fault, not my responsibility, and the only effect my dad’s little comment had on me was to make me feel like he was a bitter and angry person. Which, in fact, he was. We currently have a barely-civil relationship and talk a couple of times a year.

42

Divorced person for 16 years here. Two children, daughter 17 and a son 19.

I think you have still missed the point. Your daughter may have moved several times and her mother may have had several boyfriends but she still has lived with her mother for 15 months. That is long time to a seven/eight year old. You are certainly no stranger to her but you can not ignore the fact that she is having issues that are resulting in crying and lack of sleep. The issues need addressed and they are not as simple as blaming everything on her mother. The child may be feeling guilty. She may be feeling sad. She may be feeling anger. She may be feeling all three but until you drop your “my ex wife is a bitch and ruined my life” attitude you might never find out.

My kids saw their father every other weekend for over 16 years and he can still be like a stranger to them and them to him. It is not the same as living day in and day out with a person. This is not your fault. It is one of the pains of a divorce with children. I hated my ex and I still have harsh feelings toward him but I truly wish my children had a better relationship with him and he had spent more time with them. That he got to know them as people rather than “his kids”.

They also called my house home and their fathers “their dads house”. There is nothing wrong with that. They lived at my house they visited their dads house. It does not mean they don’t like your house. It is just a way to seperate things. It sounds like you want your children to consider your place “home” and I sure at some point they will but it has only been since the beginning of April, give it time.

43

Wow, that was an educational read. Makes me appreciate my own marriage that much more.

44

I’m always wary of divorce threads because the reporters are always extremely biased and self-serving. “I” am always a saint, “she” (or “he”) is always a monster.

I agree that the kid should not be taking antihistamines every night and that it was stupid for the mom to swith her to them. The kid should probably not be taking anything at all, and that whole issue should be straightened out with a doctor, pronto.

Other than that, the OP just comes off as jealous and resentful that his daughter is more attached to her mom than to him.

Belrix, just give it time. You have to be patient. Eventually, your house will be “home” too, but It’s going to take months or years, not weeks.

Do not disuss any reasons for the divorce with her or ask her what nasty stuff she remembers. That’s completely inappropriate. I think it’s also inappropriate to ask her mother not to answer the phone when she calls. Give the kid all the access she wants. It’s about her comfort, not yours.

Just be reliable, available and comfortable. Don’t try to force anything.

45

I agree with every last jot and tittle of this post. Very level-headed, rational advice.

46

You aren’t divorced from your ex in your own mind. Let your ex go and take care of your kids before its way too late, if it isn’t already.

47

I’m going to take a different approach and ask Belrix a question.

Belrix, what does your wife think about this situation? She’s a part of your family now too. Have you talked to her about this in the same way that you’ve talked to us?

48

raises hand sheepishly

But I am a child of not one, but four divorces. I have seen more marriages fall apart than there are stars in the sky. I have been dragged into my in-laws’ custody court shit more times than I can count (weirdly, in their county not even teenagers have the right to decide visitation, which means my 17-year-old SIL usually hides or runs away when her father comes to pick her up and the police are inevitably called.) I don’t know the first thing about being a parent but I do know what children of divorce go through. And I do really stand by my assertion that this is an excellent opportunity for you to face this thing together as father and daughter instead of feeling like you are in pain alone.

49

I’m not a parent or a wife, but I’m a daughter. I just wanted to let you know that there’s nothing in your OP that demonstrates that your daughter hates you or doesn’t like to be around you. Or even that she loves her mom more.

Your daughter does love you and she does want to be with you. She just hates the situation and is scared.

Please don’t get angry or frustrated. She needs you just as much as she needs mom, just in a different way.

50

Belrix, have you called that doctor yet? You need to do this. Call the doctor, or I’ll call Children’s Services.

Yes, your daughter may not have been taking huge overdoses of drugs. But she has also been taking heavy doses for very long time.

51

Why in the hell didnt you take your daughter back to the Dr 's and get the prescription refilled, then give half to the ex so your daughter is taking a med regulated by a Dr?
You indicated that the mom was too cheap to buy the meds - so, you should have reported it to the child’s doctor.

I agree with the others who advise you to get the girl to her doctor for a check up ASAP… I dont care what story you give them - tell them you just found out the half-dose-Tylenol WAS NOT AUTHORIZED BY A PHYSICIAN and you are concerned there may be long term damages for all anyone cares, your priority should be your daughter’s health. Gads, I am still shocked that went along with it… you know better now, right? Everyone on the board can take a deep breath knowing that ignorance has been fought and conquered - RIGHT!!!

That includes mental health. My SO has a 9yr old. She’s the youngest. The kid’s are here part-time due to joint custody, and have been for a couple of years or so. I, too, am divorced and had to deal with my ex and his new wife several years ago. It is not uncommon for the kid(s) to want the other parent when they there, and vice versa. I highly recommend that you encourage your daughter to continue to call her mom at a designated time a day, or, have the mom call your daughter if she has other plans and will not be available at the designated time to let the daughter know this. ASK your ex to be supportive and encourage the daughter to spend time with you and to avoid the “i wish you were here” “I miss you & cant wait til your back home” & that kind of talk. Get your ex involved with the decisions of when the girl can call and for how long - & hold her to it.

If the daughter is being difficult to manage, dont baby her. Discipline her accordingly, but also be compassionate & LISTEN to her. I wouldnt be surprised if she is more afraid that her mom will leave her than she is of you leaving her. Afterall, you are remarried and you (may be) the stable one at this point (she’s already seen how many bf’s come and go now?). Get involved with your daughter. Give her age-appropriate chores to help around the house & hell, maybe even let her decorate some of her room to make her feel it is ‘home’ - it could be as simple as new bedding or some pictures/posters.

I can empathize with you - my middle girl used to tell me she was going to run away and go live with her dad, and she would tell me how much she hated me… it isnt easy, and it isnt fun. There was even one time I had to throw her clothes in a bag, pack up the car, and head out of town to her dad’s, explaining that it made me really sad to see that she was so sad without her dad and I didnt want her to be unhappy. Luckily, she changed her mind before we reached the edge of town and she never threatened or said that again… she knew I meant what I said. Oh, and she was around your daughter’s age at that time, too.

52

I printed my OP and gave it to her last night.

She knows me enough to know I have to rant a bit, be sleepless for a while, then I get a handle on things and usually deal with them pragmatically.

She’s advising wait-and-see. The first part of the week was pretty good - it was just the last half that was bad. The first part of the week, we were getting by on Sally’s nightly call to her mother and simply sleeping until morning. We were high-fiving ourselves on the success that dropping the PM meds had on Sally’s apparent sleep/dream/terror problems.

My wife is hoping if we just wait it out, then the first part of the week will become the norm.

She’s frustrated with my Ex’s behavior, too. There’s probably not a week the kids are with us where some action of my Ex doesn’t come in and hijack something we’re trying to make happen in the kids lives

The nightly phone call is a big frustration for us - it keeps the kids from learning to have days that are independent of their mother. It’d be the same intrusion if I insisted on calling and talking to the kids every night they’re at their Moms.

It’s important that the kids develop this independence.

A year ago or so, my eldest son told his mom he didn’t want to come to my apartment anymore because my place was haunted. It worried me, of course, on several levels. I called the psych that treated my son for a while for advice.

The psych said, based on conversations she’d had with him, the real problem was that he worried about his mother being alone (this was between boyfriends). He saw himself as her protector and he needed a reason to stay home and protect his mother. It wasn’t that I was being rejected, it was because he was creating a reason to stay home.

For this reason, she said, it’s important that the parents communicate to the children that they, the parents, are fine when the kids are away with the other parent. The message should be that we’ll be just fine, we’ll miss you while you’re gone and look forward to you coming back.

The important thing is that while the kids are away, you’re home being just fine.

So - professional advice on what message to give the kids. I took this information to my ex. In that conversation, my ex claims to have bought into the psych’s advice but in her nightly phone calls, I hear her telling the kids how much she misses them and how their being gone is tearing her up. How do I hear this? My kids sometimes press the speaker phone button when they’re on the phone with her. I think it’s just fun to use the phone that way.

Sometimes, with the speaker phone, I can just tell from their side of the conversation. “I miss you a lot, too, Mom.” was my elder son’s side the other day.

There’s other stuff, too, but that nightly phone call is the hub of a lot of problems. Frequently Sally will be happy and playing before the call but receiving the call will start her sobbing until she’s asleep in bed.

My point, is that despite my ex’s “agreement” to the psych’s advice, she’s doing the opposite (and will then lie about it later). That nightly call is a nightly reinforcement that the kids’ mother is not OK without them there, which then increases their guilt when they’re with me (they’ve left their mother and made her unhappy - no kid wants to make their mom unhappy.)

I think the nightly call is not about the kids, it’s about my ex’s self-centered need to be missed.

This is one example of an ex-wife induced frustration that makes parenting my kids even harder. There’s others, of course. Both my wife and I have muscle strain from the weekly rolling of our eyes.)

Oh - and Smiling Bandit - I left a message and am awaiting call-back… and your threat was both rude and empty of terror. Hello CPS? Yes, I’d like to report Belrix. Yes Belrix. B-E-L-R-I-X. Yeah. He’s in Denver somewhere.

53

Not cool. Don’t threaten to intervene in people’s real lives based on what they post here, unless there’s a legitimate reason to think lives are in danger (which is not the case here).

54

Belrix: As a daughter of divorce, whose father never hesitated to take any opportunity to tell me how bad my mother was, and how the divorce was her fault, I can promise you: such tactics will not get you the result you want.

Please, please, PLEASE start putting your children’s welfare above your anger at their mother.
[sub]There. I’ve run my head into the brick wall of the day.[/sub]

55

This seems to me to be less of a case of “my ex is a bitch and ruined me” rather than “my ex is a bitch and is actively doing things to physically damage and psychologically cripple and manipulate our daughter.” How do you get over that kind of anger? I’m not familiar with how courts work, but how’s Belrix gonna prove that his ex is being emotionally manipulative and that it’s detrimental to the child’s health? Especially when that manipulation is making the daughter feel closer to her mother, even though she’s just too young to understand what her mother is doing.

I recognize that we might not be getting a complete rundown on the facts here, but if it’s even close to what B is saying, there’s definitely a shitty situation going on.

I’ve had a friend who’s daughter’s mother would do everything she could to keep the daughter dependent on her. When the kid began to learn to read, the mother refused to teach her. Since she was only at dad’s for a weekend a month, you can guess how well that went. And it was just the surface. So how do you deal with watching someone fuck up your kid because she’s emotionally messed up? I can’t even imagine how I’d put anger like that aside.

That being said, Belrix is in this situation, and needs to get to counselling to figure out how to deal with that anger. I just feel lucky I don’t have to understand how to do it myself.

56

More questions for Belrix. I hope I don’t seem like I’m harassing you.

Belrix, you mention counseling, but I couldn’t figure out if it was for the kids only or if you are also seeing a therapist. Are you? What do you think about seeing one?

If you determined through consultation with yourself and various professionals that it was in your daughter’s best interest to keep her with her mom full-time for at least a few years, would you do it?

57

TylenolPM is basically Tylenol and Benadryl. Some people don’t get the sedating side effects of an antihistamine… some do. Apparently, you’re one of the former. If you’re taking 3 of them you’re taking 1500mg of the Tylenol and 75mg of Benadryl. I think I’d find a new sleeping aid with different properties. Of course, YMMV.

As far as the OP, I have read several posts from him and most of them are full of anger and excuses. I am not saying he’s totally at fault because we all know it takes two people to end a marriage. IME reading his posts, he rarely owns up to his own issues and wants to dump them all on his ex or, in this case, an 8 year old. Sorry guy, but having difficult times is part of being a parent. It’s nice that the boys are doing okay, but your daughter isn’t. Stop expecting her to react with the thinking process of a rational adult with years of wisdom. You don’t seem to be doing that, why should she?

58

Belrix, there’s a lot of good advice here. I didn’t know you before. Now I’m worrying about you and your family. Help me out here – what are you going to do?

59

Holding onto your anger is doing you more harm than good, Belrix. It’s unhealthy and bad for your spirit. Take yoga. Or take up running. Anything to rid yourself of the perfectly rational anger you’re feeling towards your ex-wife. Until you let go on the anger, you will never move on.

I know it’s difficult but try not to exacerbate an already bad situation with the mother of your children. Frankly, I think you ALL need therapy which includes your ex-wife. For the children’s sake, the two of you, both adults who loves their kids, need to find a common ground before your children are irreparably harmed. Instead of threatening another lawsuit, why not suggest taking a class together on shared parenting?

Yeah, yeah, I know. She’s a stupid bitch and you never want to see her again. Guess what? When you have kids, that’s not an option. So you need to deal with it. You need to take the high road as you have in the past.

Feeling anger is normal but what you two are doing to each other, and by extension your kids, doesn’t have to happen. If you really do love your kids, then you will set aside your personal animosity and bust your ass to make this post-divorce relationship less hostile.

60

Gah.

If only you could see that the sum total of your situation is the sum total of your behavior.

It makes you human, just another human being; we all do this to ourselves. We all create our misery. But I really dislike your instincts on what normal 8-yr-old behavior ought to look like. I think you’re talking about your own convenience, not the life of a child whose world has flip-flopped, whose parents lack emotional self-control.