A couple of people asked for this thread, so I figured, why not just start it?
- Do not post a joke here if you haven’t already posted the punchline in this thread. Thank you.
A woman is sitting at home when her husband walks in carrying a sheep.
He says, “This is the pig I have sex with when I’m not with you.”
The woman says, “That’s not a pig!”
To which her husband replies, “I wasn’t talking to you!”
I don’t mind posting the jokes that went with the punchlines I posted, but I would like somebody else to post the punchline I posted (that they want the joke for) before doing so. I assume most of mine are well known and not worth the repeat here.
I’d be surprised otherwise.
Punch lines I do not know the jokes for:
Actually, there were a few more, but from the look of them I decided I didn’t really want to know.
Thanks for asking. 
I think the punchline is “yeah, and it’s deep, too.” First guy says cold, second guy says deep. And I heard it from Richard Pryor before Sling Blade.
What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
Your version is a bit funnier, and I heard it before Sling Blade, too, but I can’t remember if it was Pryor or a schoolmate!
This is from a really long joke. The summary is that a woman who is displeased with her husband’s constant flatulance warns him that he is someday going to “fart his guts clean out.” She’s up early on Thanksgiving and slips the giblets from the turkey in his shorts while he is still asleep. He awakes and farts. She hears him scream and runs upstairs to find him sitting pale, sweaty, and shaking on the edge of the bed. He tells her that she was right about him farting his guts out but…
How do you quadruple the seating in a gay bar?
Another long one. A building superintendent is going around collecting his Xmas gift envelopes from the tenants. One lady has sex with him, cooks him a big breakfast, and gives him an envelope with just a dollar in it. As he’s leaving, she tells him it was all her husband’s idea. She’d asked him what to give the super for Xmas and…
Last night I told my wife I’d like a little pussy. She said…
An old, old joke made famous by (I think) Buddy Hackett.
Two elderly women meet for the first time in many years.
“How have you been?” asks the first.
“Well, I recently lost my husband,” replies the second.
<punchline>
The version I heard had “Me, too, mine’s as big as a warshtub.”
On a blustery winter eve, a sailor just into port heads for the local brothel, where he runs into a bit of trouble with the madam.
“I’m sorry,” said the madam. “There are a lot of ships in, and all the rooms are full.”
“But there are girls here not doing anything!” the sailor complained.
“We had a fire, and we can’t use some of the rooms.”
“Look, I’ve been at sea for six months…”
“All right, I’ll tell you what–you can use the roof. We don’t usually go up there in winter, but if you’re that hard up–”
“I’ll take it!”
The sailor all but drags the nearest girl up the stairs and out onto the roof. Not long afterward, a howling blizzard sets in, and the two of them freeze mid-coitus. Some time later, a fierce gust of wind blows the frozen bodies off the edge of the building. They land in a snowbank, much to the consternation of a passing drunk, who rushes to the door and knocks.
When the madam opens the door, he yells, [punchline].
“You don’t eat a pig like that all at once.”
Another long windup to the punchline – the windier, the better – but it basically goes like this. A guy sits down to dinner with his farmer friend and they are served by a pig who is using crutches since he only has 3 legs. Friend says, “That’s a remarkable pig you got there, why, he can serve dinner and everything!”
Farmer says, “And that’s not all. The other day, our barn caught fire and me and my wife were trapped in the hayloft. That pig started up the tractor and broke the side of the barn to let us out. Then he saved all the animals, called 911 and put out the fire, too.”
<continue telling more tall tales about this really smart pig as long as you can…>
So the visitor says, “But what happened to his leg?”
Farmer says, “Well,…”<punchline>
W. goes on a diplomatic trip Vietnam, when he gets back, he’s talking to a bunch of Senators, and Mccain asks, “How was the trip Mr. President?” “Okay I guess.” “Just OK what happened?” Bush’s reply is the punchline.
A priest makes a rare trip to town. Walking down the sidewalk he passes a young lady who says, “Hey, father, how about a quickie? Just twenty bucks.” Not sure what she means and a bit embarrassed by his ignorance, he mumbles a quick “Bless you, child,” and continues on his way. Later, on his way back, he hears a call from a second-floor apartment window and looks up to see another young woman waving at him. “Come on up for a quickie, father. Just twenty bucks.” Again he mumbles a reply and hurries on his way.
Back at the convent, his curiosity gets the better of him, so he calls in the mother superior. “What’s a quickie?” he asks.
<punchline>
Two tall trees were growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them. One tree said to the other: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The other said he could not tell.
Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling. The tall tree said, “Woodpecker, you’re a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree. He replied <punchline>
A man walks out to get his morning paper. Turning to go back inside, he sees a gorilla jumping up and down and screaming on his roof. He rushes to the phone book (or does he Google it nowadays?) and finds an entry in the Yellow Pages under Animal Control that reads:
“Got a problem with a denizen of the wild? Call me, Daring Dan! 30 years experience, results guaranteed! Gorillas a specialty!”
Hurriedly, the man calls the listed number and breathlessly explains his predicament. Inside a half-hour, a van pulls up outside. A short, scrawny man jumps out and greets his new customer. Dan then opens the back of the van and takes out a ladder, a net, a baseball bat, and a shotgun. As he’s doing this, he whistles and a bulldog jumps down to the ground.
Turning to the man, Dan explains the plan. “I’m going to use the ladder to get up onto your roof. Once I’m there, I’ll use the baseball bat to knock the gorilla down onto the ground. Once he’s down, that’s when Chomper here (indicates the dog) goes to work. He’s been specially trained to chomp onto testicles with a painful iron grip and not let go. With the gorilla in agony and helpless, I throw the net on him and pack him into the van. Voila! Job done.”
As Dan swings up onto the ladder, baseball bat over his shoulder, the homeowner asks, “But what’s the shotgun for?” Dan replies <punchline>
I’d tell my other joke, but I’m not sure how blue we’re wanting to go here.
I can’t, they’re too obscene.