Punchlines Only, Please

“If I could walk that way, I wouldn’t need the talcum powder!”

Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

There. Now he can’t sleep, but you can.

If this is my thermometer, then where is my fountain pen?

Twenty bucks. The same as in town.


You don’t get an erection when you peel an apple.


With the grace of God and the help of these two thumbs, I think I got everything back where it belongs.

How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know!

Turn the bar stools upside down.

"That’s not a bacon tree…

… It’s a Ham Bush!"

You can’t load a truck with bowling balls using a pitchfork

He said “Fuck him. Give him a dollar.” Breakfast was my idea, though.

You can’t hear a vitamin.

“Hell, time ain’t nothin’ to a pig.”

So would I; mine’s as big as a house.

Once I caught my breath, I called him Precious.

And if it wasn’t for that horse, I never would have made it through college.

Is there going to be a linked thread with the jokes. 'Cause my recognition count is at: yes/5, no/11, and maybe/3.

And in honor of that:

The room was silent. “I guess some people just can’t tell a joke.”